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Saturday 28th June21:30I am not at home to Mr FitnessYet another "great" British tradition has already kicked off this weekend - the Glastonbury festival. I can tell you now, that having seen REM on BBC3 and BBC2, I've seen just about everything I want to see. I wouldn't have minded seeing Inspiral Carpets and The Polyphonic Spree, I suppose, and Durutti Column are playing, which would have been interesting to see, and had I gone, I would have missed Julian Cope as he was playing at the same time as REM, though obviously not on the same stage. Or possibly even the same planet. But by and large the line-up seems to be very dull. Or perhaps there are more bands I detest on the bill this year. Sunday's main stage line-up, in particular, seems to be designed to encourage everyone to piss off home early - Sugababes, Macy Gray, Feeder, Manic Street Preachers, Moby. I wouldn't cross the street to see these people, let alone pay £105 for a ticket and then spend three days being ripped-off, rained-on and pissed-off beforehand. And have to put up with all those weekend eco-warriors. Gah!As I mentioned on Tuesday, it's Wimbledon fortnight. Whilst this has caused a surprising outpouring of vitriol against the sainted Lord Henman of Plucky Loserton (a village near Oxford, I believe), it is also a fine source of innuendo and smut for the filthy-minded, like me. For example, one of my friends told me he'd had a bet on Chanda Rubin to win the Ladies title, to which I made the obvious reply that I had already "spent my wad" on Jennifer Capriati. And, of course, the commentators on the BBC unwittngly add to the fun. Today, one was heard urging Younes El Aynaoui to "take Agassi all the way", and earlier this week John Barratt (I believe) declared of Gustavo Kuerten "I've always admired his length." Throw into the mix the usual guff about balls, lobs, and what have you and there's almost the making of an amusing article for a blog..... Go on stick your oar in: Tuesday 24th June10:30Tribes, Twats, and Tennis....Funny how time seems to pass by quite quickly even though nothing's happening. The lack of interesting incident and a somewhat limited time spent surfing the Interweb mean that my updates are becoming somewhat more sporadic and probably less interesting. And today's update will be no exception.I spent Sunday at the annual Lawrence family gathering. This traditional event allows the far-flung extended Lawrence family to get together once a year to catch up. Well, to be honest, most of the other parts of the family see each other more than once a year but the "Gathering" is the only time we're all in one place. (If anyone has any desire to wipe us out (as opposed to 'wipe us down') you just have to find out when and where next year's gathering will be.) This year, we all congregated at cousin Michael's place near Stratford-on-Avon. Anyway, it was a pretty decent day - interrupted only by one thunderstorm, which lasted for about an hour - and pretty much all the family were there. It's always nice to see the rest of the tribe and catch up with what everyone's up to, and because I don't get to these gatherings that often, it's always a surprise to see how much the kids have grown. And, of course, "Uncle Jim" is always in demand when there's a game of football on the go. Fortunately this year there wasn't too much football and the kids spent most of the time playing amongst themselves. I took my digital camera with me and took a few pictures that I was going to put on this site, but unfortunately, I accidentally deleted them in the car on the way home. Arse! I was first up in the house again today, and had just settled in to update the site at about 8.15, when there was a knock at the front door. It was the police (the local constabulary, rather than the rock band), who wanted to take a statement about the damage to my car. I was confused for a moment, then I realised that they were talking about my Dad's car. Turns out that last night some drunken youth smashed the windscreen of my dad's car and another car on the street. Said youth had been arrested and had pretty much confessed so the police were taking statements and finishing up their paperwork. Now my Dad (who's a pensioner) has to sort out his insurance and get the windscreen replaced (although he seems to be more interested in his book at the moment) all because of some drunken idiot. If I ever get my hands on him.... In other news - hurrah, Wimbledon is here! Break out the over-priced strawberries, the slightly rancid cream and the warm, flat champagne-like drink! Time for us loyal Brits to cheer on Timbo Henman and that Canadian fellah. Let's hope they can find some inspiration in the performances of the England cricket and rugby teams and advance to the latter stages of the tournament, although don't hold your breath. Mind you, with Lleyton Hewitt out of the way already,there's a fair chance that "our Tim" will lose in the semis to some unfancied Croatian instead of a top player.... Go on stick your oar in: Wednesday 18th June22:00How much?What's the least amount of money you've ever spent on a taxi? Alright, now discount the times when you haven't paid because someone else has. And the times you've taken a taxi in some far-off country where ten quid was the equivalent of the monthly wage. Basically, what's the least you've ever genuinely spent on a taxi in the UK? I only ask because today I had to take my Granddad to the dentist because my Dad's car broke down. Well, we managed the walk down the hill to the dentist but there was no way that we were going to manage the walk back up. It's fair enough - he is nearly 89 years old and the hill is pretty steep (if it was at the end of a stage of the Tour De France it would be described as "sorting the men out from the boys", it's about 1 in 5 at it's steepest and averages out at 1 in 8). I think I would have been out of breath myself, and whilst I'll admit I'm not fit, I am fifty years younger. Anyway, my Dad didn't manage to get his car going in time, so I arranged a taxi to take us back. Alright it wasn't much more than a five minute journey, but when she said the price, I had to ask again. How much was it? A pound. One whole English quid. I couldn't believe it and paid two quid to be sure. A Pound? Once, when on the razz in Birmingham, I got a cab to go half as far and ended up paying three times that. And it'll cost you more than that just to get into a taxi in Cambridge. Mind you, I am "up North", where big bottles of Becks (710ml) cost a mere £1.49, and you can go down t' pub, drink 10 pints of t' bitter, 5 Gin and tonics and a Babycham, before going to t' chippy and having pie, peas, chips and gravy and a kebab and then getting t' trolley bus home, and still have change from a tenner. Eeh, it's Jim up North.Go on stick your oar in: Tuesday 17th June17:30Anyone seen the electro-clash scene?Having taken a while to settle in and get my cash flow situation sorted out, I've now decided to start looking about to see what sort of a music scene there is in these here parts. And the answer is "Pretty much none. Well, none that has an Internet prescence, at least." Most of the local sites seem to not to have been updated for a six months or more. That said, Laconic do sound rather splendid in a 10,000 Maniacs-cum-No Doubt-stylee. If you've got a speedy connection (i.e. you're at work), check out the streaming of 'Summer's Here' and 'Follow' on their website. Otherwise you can download them from Vitaminic. On the other hand if you don't like their songs, why not check out their games? They've got a version of Asteroids, redone as Amoebas and a D&D-based thing. Neither of which are earth-shattering, but do while away a pleasant minute or two.I also found Disarm, who win points for having a sense of humour, but then lose them all for being nu-metal/rock, not updating their website and trapping you inside their frames when you follow offsite links. Fortunately, one of the bands that they link to (Empathy) still has an active site and that has links to all the current sites, including Disarm's new one. Anyway, they are apparently playing at Mexborough Civic hall this Friday, so I might be popping along. But then again, I might not. That's how I'm living these days. Go on stick your oar in: Thursday 12th June21:50Hoist the Jolly Roger!Heave ho, me hearties! And away we go on an Internet piracy mission. I don't know how many of you remember The Mary Whitehouse Experience, but for those who do and spend their evenings wistfully recalling how David Baddiel was once funny, unlike Steve Punt and Hugh Dennis, and wondering whatever happened to Rob Newman, I bring you good news. You can download pretty much all of the four radio series from this site. Now, I can't condone copyright theft, of course, but you don't have to download the stuff. There's a bit of information about the shows on the site but you might have to visit some of their linked sites to fulfill your Mary Whitehouse Experience trivia requirements.Ah, summer's here - the birds are singing, the sun is shining, the flowers are blooming, the neighbours are playing their stereos at top volume into the early hours and my hay fever has kicked in. And, of course, with the summer comes the summer holiday. Back when I were a lad, going on holiday generally meant everyone piling into the car early in the morning and travelling for what seemed like an eternity to some coastal resort or other. Actually, that's not true. I don't think we ever really went on holiday that often - I can only recall the trip to Cornwall and the caravan holiday in Reighton. (I particularly remember Reighton as the walk to the beach went past a sewage outfall pipe. Which was nice.) Anyway, I'm sure we must have played some games or other to pass the time on these journeys but I can't recall them either, although I do remember my Dad always used to want us to play "Sit down and shut up!". All of which preamble is only to encourage you, gentle reader, to play Stars of Stage & Screen should you be out motoring during the summer. It's quite simple, all you have to do, is keep your eye out for any road signs that point to double-barreled town/village names which could also be those of actors, and then to create a brief biography of said actor. For example, on the A14 out of Cambridge, heading towards Huntingdon, there is the small village of Hemingford Grey, who, as we all know, was a distinguished character actor who starred in several productions at the Old Vic in the 1920's. And those of you passing by Tiverton should look out for Stockleigh Pomeroy, who played Moriarty opposite Basil Rathbone's Sherlock Holmes in 'The Sign Of Four'. Well, that's two for starters, so go and find your own. Then again for the more gutter-minded, like me, you could always look out for rude place names. Whilst you might be surprised to find you have to visit either the Orkney or the Shetland Isles to find a Twatt, this summer you could be spending your time sniggering in a Carry-On stylee as you drive through Assington, Pant, Bell End, Dogdyke, Cock Green, Wetwang, Belchford, Hampton Wick, Cwm and Staines. You could round things off by spending some time in the decidedly post-coital Cwm-y-glo. Of course, I shall be spending my summer down at Beaver Green, although I suspect I'm in for a disappointment. And no, I haven't made any of these up. Go on stick your oar in: Monday 9th June15:30"Don't stop moving to my funky, funky shorts..."Well, I have survived a week of being "Uncle Jim", and survived it without resorting to shouting or threats of physical violence, although it was a close run thing. Especially as they liked to wake me up at about 7 every morning by jumping on my bed. The nice thing about having my nephews about, apart from the fact that they're fun, is that we got out and about a bit. Well, having been in Conisbrough for a while, it was probably time that I saw more of it than the shops and my parents house. On Wednesday we went to the Magna Centre. This former steelworks has been turned into a "Science Adventure Centre", featuring exhibits on Fire, Air, Earth, and Water and an impressive reconstruction of the steel manufacturing process known as The Big Melt. Of course, the kids weren't that interested in the science bit but loved the play areas, especially the Water pavilion and the adventure playground outside. We also saw the robot display whilst we were there, but that was a bit of a disappointment, to be honest.On Saturday we went to the Earth Centre. The irritating website, with it's Flash-heavy menus and stuff, isn't really representative of the actual site - it's much better organised. We had a good day, although once again the kids were more interested in playing than learning, but then they had been before whereas I hadn't. Anyway, whilst they were playing on the pirate ship, under the watchful eye of their Grandad, I had a wander round the site, taking in the acoustic arena, the sensory trail, the yurts, the Earth galleries and the waterworks. We rounded the day off with a couple of rounds of Adventure golf (like crazy golf but with less fun and more learning). Grandad threatened to get a bit "competitive Dad" as he was instructing Daniel on the finer arts of putting ("No, not like that! Give it here I'll do it myself!"). Fortunately he didn't quite go that far, but it was close. Sunday we went to Conisbrough Castle for a game of football in the grounds and to watch the Three Shires Society re-enact a medieval tournament. We all liked the swordfights but were less than keen on the dancing (surprisingly). And I managed to kick the football into the road, which, as the castle is built on the top of a large steep hill, involved a helter-skelter chase to catch up with it before it went into the main road at the bottom of the hill. Fortunately, no one had a video camera - 20 stone of fat bloke tearing downhill at top speed is not a pretty sight. And neither is the same fat bloke sweatily staggering back up the hill after successful completion of his mission. Anyway, we all had a grand time and it was a rather sad moment when they had to leave. Although the house is thankfully much quieter now. Did anyone else watch 100 Greatest things about Morrissey? Cue Davina - "And, the Number One Greatest Thing about Morrissey is (dramatic pause) HE'S AN ENIGMA!!! Over to you, Bono." Cut to scruffy looking Irishman, "Ah, to be sure, and begorrah, the greatest thing about Morrissey is that he's an enigma. Top of the morning to ya.". Alright, it wasn't quite like that, but you get the picture. To be honest, I'm a fan but I wasn't sure who this documentary was aimed at - there were no revelations for the fans, no product to promote (he was without a record deal at the time) and the live clips they included indicated that his performances are on the wane. Not promising stuff. It's interesting that his gigs sell out despite the lack of new material and publicity, but let's face it, the Rolling Stones still fill the arenas and they haven't recorded anything worthwhile since the Sixties. But there were the slightly unexpected shots of his house off Sunset Boulevard and his open top Jag, which all suggest that The Smiths back catalogue is still earning him a pretty penny. And I like the way the Mike Joyce court case was swiftly brushed aside - "A grave miscarriage of justice." - as the ruling went against him. Anyway, the good news is that the Mozster has recently signed a new record deal, and will be recording a new album as soon as possible. Hurrah! Go on stick your oar in: Monday 2nd June13:30The lull before the stormI've finally managed to put most of my stuff into the cellar, although I've got a few boxes that still need sorting up in my bedroom. At this rate, I'll have just managed to get things straight in time to move back out again. Mind you, I've had to tidy up a bit as my sister, Liz, and her two boys are coming to stay for a few days, so we need the extra space. And it'd be nice to actually eat at the dining table for a change. Anyway, there's a fairly full itinerary planned, I think, and them lads are "chockfull o' beans", so don't expect another update before the end of the week, and expect me to be moaning about being exhausted when I do update. Ah, it's tough being an uncle...The more observant amongst you may have noticed that the Earth failed to stop spinning on it's axis last week and that the magnetic poles have not reversed, despite the dire warnings on this site. Mind you, I should have investigated the site a bit further before I served it up for your delectation and delight. The Pole Shift site takes a lot of its information from Zeta Talk, which is a website run by a middle-aged American lady who receives telepathic communications from extraterrestrials from the Zeta Reticulli binary star system. And if that's not enough to set off the alarm bells then a brief look at the site, with it's multiple hyperlinks to definitions containing even more hyperlinks, ought to do it. Or perhaps the theories about Earth having a dead twin on the opposite side of the Sun, dolphins communicating telepathically and spontaneous human combustion will do it. Even as a regular reader of Fortean Times, these sound a bit crazy to me. Go on stick your oar in:
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