ArchivesRecent RamblingsNovember 2003 October 2003 September 2003 August 2003 July 2003 June 2003 May 2003 April 2003 March 2003 February 2003 January 2003 December 2002 November 2002 October 2002 September 2002 August 2002 July 2002 Other stuffHomePoetry Challenge A Past Gone Mad Listen To This Poetry Corner All About Me Reverend Jim Terror on the Cam Widow's Pens Rad's Renderings Peter's Pit FatFakir Gear |
Monday 28th July18:15"I'd like some Top Totty, please."I spent a rather marvellous day out yesterday with me old mucker, Kev, at the Sandtoft Gathering. This is basically an open day at the National Trolleybus Museum. Unlike all the other open days of the year though, this one featured a beer tent. So having tasted some of the ales on offer (Crop Circle, Waggledance, Top Totty, Dragonslayer, Spitfire, Batemans XXB, Jennings, and Burton Dark Mild are the ones I remember...) we had a wander round the site and a ride on a trolleybus. As most of the buses on display had been withdrawn from service before I was born, it was a new experience for me to ride on a trolleybus. I have to say that, apart from the quietness of the electric engine, it was pretty much like being on any other bus - right down to the lack of legroom and the strange personal habits of my fellow passengers. The day was also enlivened by the "comedy" announcements coming over the PA. There wasn't anything funny about them per se, but the announcer had a rather idiosyncratic delivery style and the unfortunate impediment of any making any "S" into "Sh", which, after a couple of pints, Kev and I found hilarious. "Absholutely hilarioush", in fact. Well, I'm easily amused, as I like to tell the ladies. Anyway, I did take my digital camera and take some pictures but, true to form, it reset itself before I got home, deleting the dozen or so pictures that I'd taken. So you'll have to look at the pictures on the Trolleybus site and imagine that I'm there. Just think of a fat bloke in a blue shirt, flicking the "V's" from the top deck, and you'll be pretty much spot on.Never one to disappoint a lady (well, there was that one time, but I had been awake for almost 48 hours and was exceedingly drunk....) I've added a link to the rather wonderful TV Cream website in my Links column. And, Kate me dear, I have travelled far and wide on the old Information M25 (I haven't got Broadband), trawling through the sites dedicated to the under-whelming indie band of the same name and a surprising number of sites offering "ringtones", to bring you not one, but two Belle and Sebastian sites. First up, here's a lovely episode guide courtesy of those nice people at memorabletv.com. And here's one with a few more pictures and the theme tune, by the wonderful people at Little Gems. That's a rather marvellous site - they even have a page on Bleep And Booster, which used to be one of our Mark's favourites, although I'm sure he won't own up to that now! And if you're after more TV themes, try this handy TV Theme Finder site, which also features some very nice wallpapers for your PC. Intriguing food ahoy! You know, a while back I was talking about Dinner Kebabs - pitta breads, stuffed with savoury fillings, to be reheated in a microwave. Well, knock me down with a feather if Pataks (who's website appears to be permanently down) haven't come up with something similar - folded Nan Bread filled with Chicken Tikka Masala. And yours for only £1 from your local Farm Foods store. Which is where I also got a Pataks Chicken Tikka Masala pizza (very tasty) and this lovely Indian-style Kebab Pizza. Luckily, they included the words "Serving Suggestion" on the front, as otherwise I'm sure I'd have had a case for suing them for false advertising. The only way I could have got my pizza to match the one on the box would have been to add about half a pound of mozarella and a similar amount of kebab meat. But then again, what did I expect for only a quid? Anyway, despite the shortfall in the topping department, it was actually quite tasty - a mix of curry sauce and kebab meat and cheese (surpisingly!). I might well be tempted to get some more. So stay tuned for more adventures on the seamy side of takeaway food and ready meals! Go on, stick your oar in:
Thursday 24th July22:00Is that the best you can do?Let's play a word game. Rearrange the follow words to make a phrase or saying: "of" "big" "time" "my" "waste" "fat". Have you managed to work it out? Well, once you've spent a morning down at the Job Club, er, Job Search Programme, I can guarantee that you'll get it. Especially if you've spent that morning in a small, hired room that has none of the facilities or comforts of home. You know, how is spending a morning in a place without a phone going to help me? And don't get me started on the "helpful" advice sheets that I got given. Writing a letter? Tip One: Use a black pen. Jesus! Why didn't I think of that? And all this time I've been wasting my time using my computer. God, that must be why I haven't found a job. And nothing to do with my spiralling lack of enthusiasm, no siree Bob. Anyway, not only are there no phone facilities to use, there's no Internet access, limited use of a laptop (with no printer) and a portable photocopier. Apart from the copious supply of the local papers and a kettle for tea and coffee (free of charge!) there's absolutely nothing of any use to the "executive jobseeker" like me, and to be honest, not much for anybody else. So I'm bailing out of the Mexborough branch (Sorry lads) to attend the Doncaster one, where at least they've got facilities comparable to my own. Perhaps they might have someone who'll give me a bit more encouragement too. Or failing that, some sort of Pauline Campbell-Jones/Cathy Carter-Smith character ("Good Morning Jobseekers!") to take the proverbial out of. Hhm, perhaps I just want the moon on a stick.The eagle-eyed amongst you might have noticed a bit of a change to my Links column on the right, there. Right there. I think it looks a bit better now, but then I'm no designer, so what would I know? I've added links to the Corrugated Iron Club and Readers Sheds and an old favourite of mine, that I've been meaning to add for ages - Pylon of the Month - which sadly seems not to have been updated since December 2000. Still worth a visit though. Go on, stick your oar in:
Monday 21st July23:40Leather elbows on a tweed coatI'm a fool to myself, I suppose, but I've allowed myself to be annoyed by this story about Mojo magazine's top 100 Greatest Guitar Albums. I mean, I know full well that Mojo's strapline should be "It's like punk never happened" and it is staffed by the sort of pretentious muso-loving types that irritate the pants off me, so I shouldn't be too surprised if anything they write annoys me. Yet annoyed me it has. Because, if you're going to list the "100 Greatest Guitar albums", then why only rank the Top Twenty? Are the other 80 all much of a muchness, or the top twenty that little bit better? Rank them all or not at all. Of course, I'm also irritated by some of the choices - 'The Bends' is a better guitar album than say 'The Smiths'? 'Exile on Main Street'? It's not even the best Rolling Stones LP. No Captain Beefheart in the Top Twenty? Sadly, last time I checked the Mojo website (no, I'm not linking to it) didn't have any further info on their criteria, so I suspect that, much as it pains me, I'll have to buy the actual magazine to find out more. Rest assured that if I do, there will be a thorough criticism on this site. Yeah, I bet they're trembling in their boots already.Well, I'm sure my last boss would probably say that they had trouble getting me to work my full complement of hours, but I can guarantee that not even they could complain if I didn't manage to fulfill the quota for this job. 370.5 HOURS!!!!! - there aren't that many hours in a week are there? Er, no. In fact, that number of hours equates to almost 15.5 days. That's nearly twice as long as The Beatles credibility-stretching love song 'Eight Days A Week'. Now I'm as prepared as the next man to love someone eight days a week, but work for someone for fifteen and a half days a week? Not for that money, mate. I'm trying desperately not to turn this site into some sort of online homage to the comedy misprints and rude vegetables of That's Life. So you missed out on the advert for the 80's Disco (dress optional) in the South Yorkshire Times, but I couldn't help uploading this rather marvellous misprint in an advert in my local free paper, the Dearne Valley Weekender. You see, things aren't so "deer" up North. In fact, that's one "h-elk" of a bargain! And yes Esther, that really is the name of the paper and not the bangin' hardhouse rave event that I was at last weekend. Sorted! Hey, Cyril, got any salmons? Go on, stick your oar in: Thursday 17th July20:45"Of course I still love you, I'm just, er, protecting myself from prostate cancer"Sometimes you can sit in front of the computer for ages wondering what to write about and other times inspiration is to be found close at hand, so to speak. Take this interesting story, for example. Yes, my male friends, the key to reducing your risk of developing prostate cancer is to "bash the bishop" a bit more regularly. So there you go, the perfect excuse to indulge in a "five-knuckle shuffle" as soon as your partner is out of the way. Guilt-free self-love for all. The maximum protective effect is apparently derived in your 20's, but you can't "backdate" that protection by trying to catch up now, and you're liable to break something trying anyway. "Sorry boss, I can't do any typing. I've got wan...., er, I mean, writer's cramp." Anyway, I daresay that the members of the Cancer Council Victoria will be pulling together to produce a larger sample for any future survey to verify their results. Probably.By the way, if you haven't visited the TV Cream themes page yet (see the link below) I urge you to hie thee hence and check out the long version of the Rainbow theme music. Strange. Go on, stick your oar in: Monday 14th July20:30Liberty X, Fraternity Of Man, er, 'Baby Come Back' by The EqualsI'm sure my French readers, of whom I have none, will be pleased to note my subtle reference to the slogan of the French Revolution and the anniversary of the storming of the Bastille. Of course, my French readers will also be highly displeased to note that I once said "If God had meant us to swim the Channel, he wouldn't have put France on the other side." But I was only joking when I said that. Or was I?Jumping on the Internet well-wishery bandwagon, here are some cyberspace-based Congratulations! to Jack and Heather, who are going to become proud parents in a small matter of eight months or so. Ah, the sleepless nights, the crying, the constant demands for food and the perma-smell of sick - and that was just the conception! Seriously, I hope it all goes well for the pair of you. According to this report fast foods can be as addictive as hard drugs. Something to do with the way that high doses of sugar and fat alter the brain biochemistry in a similar manner to drugs. Which is, of course, good news for all those fatties who want to blame someone else for their own failure to eat a balanced diet. (As opposed to fatties like me, who know full well that an unhealthy diet, consumption of large quantities of alcohol and a lack of regular exercise are what made us the people that we are today.) But it does make me wonder how long it will be before the Government sees fit to put out a Public Information Film warning us of the dangers of fast food - "Yeah, I do the odd cheeseburger now and then, but I can handle it" - and Grange Hill attempts to revive it's flagging fortunes by releasing a cash-in single. "Just Say No (To MacD's)" perhaps? And then there'll be the wheezing bloaters on Tonight with Trevor MacDonald, or Trisha, going on about how they had to steal to support their 10-Bargain-Bucket-a-day KFC habit. And it's only a matter of time before we get Chris Morris persuading half-witted celebrities and politicians to speak out about the dangers of the latest drug on the streets - "Dairylea". Oh, hold on, they actually used to advertise those processed cheese triangles with the slogan "Kids will do anything for Dairylea". Did they know something they weren't telling us? Go on, stick your oar in: Wednesday 9th July13:00Home Alone!My parents have gone to Bridlington for the day, with my Granddad, as part of an organised trip, leaving me Home Alone! (As opposed to either "a homeowner loan", which is the sort of financial offer I can only dream about, or Homo Alone, which is a rather disappointing porn film. Probably.) So after I've finished sabotaging the stair-lift and rigging up the flour-bomb booby trap on the catflap, I've got the day to myself. Wahey! So here's a quick update before I nip off to spend the rest of the day in a beer-induced haze, looking at Interweb erotica, or maybe chilling out in front of the Tour De France coverage on Eurosport.First up - looking for a new hobby? Trainspotting just not doing it for you anymore? Stamps no longer the thrill they used to be? Well, why not get into the joys of corrugated iron? Yep, that staple of allotment sheds, trampy outhouses and dodgy-looking farm buildings now has it own website, here. Thanks Mark for sending me that. Now I know how to while away the long summer days till I get another job.... And thanks to Kate who sent me this link to the Theme Tune repository on the simply awesome TV Cream site. I'll be downloading stuff from here for days. Sadly though, there's no theme tune for The Singing Ringing Tree, which was probably the scariest thing ever shown on children's TV till the arrival of Timmy Mallet. Still, if you want to re-live that childhood trauma, or just want to find out what I'm on aboot, you can check this worryingly complete fan site. And please, don't have nightmares..... Go on, stick your oar in: Monday 7th July12:30Childish giggle ahoy!If you've got time, it might be worth nipping out to the newsagents today to take a look at the front page headline of The Times newspaper. Or you can check out it out here. Don't bother reading the story, just look at that headline and chortle away merrily. Ah, if only That's Life was still on the go - I could have sent that to old Cyril Fletcher to read out in that campy way of his.....
Sunday 6th July17:45"Take off that brassiere, my dear..."Ladies and gentlemen, a moment's silence please, to pause and reflect on the death of the soul legend, Sir Barry of White, the so-called "Walrus of Love". (Of course, compared to me - the Leviathan of Love - he was just a lightweight). And whilst we're at it, let's have another couple of moments of quiet reflection for two other greats who have gone to that great party in the sky - Katharine Hepburn and Freddie Blassie. Everybody knows Hepburn, of course, but can you name the four films she won Oscars for? Come on, it's bound to come up in a pub quiz near you in the near future. Well, don't say I never helped you out, because the films are Morning Glory, Guess Who's Coming To Dinner?, The Lion In Winter and On Golden Pond.Fewer people know who Freddie Blassie was, sadly, but he was one of the most enduringly popular US wrestlers, who also found time to release two LPs ('King of Men' and 'I Bite The Songs' from which the single 'Pencil Neck Geek' was taken) and appear in My Breakfast with Blassie - Andy Kaufman's spoof of My Dinner with Andre - which earned him a mention in 'Man On the Moon' by REM. So now you know. I went to Conisbrough's version of Glastonbury yesterday. Well, not quite. I went to the Three Communities Scarecrow Festival down at the Earth Centre. This is held in aid of the Bluebell Wood Childrens Hospice, and features a scarecrow parade, free entry to the park, live bands, food and various stalls and attractions. It's basically a large scale village fete, to be honest. Well, anyway, I went along to see the live bands, having been somewhat starved of live music since moving up here. I should have known what to expect, having seen them billed as "local youth bands" in the programme. They were all about twenty years younger than me and very much in the nu-metal mode. I managed to miss Capsual Corp who finished just as I arrived. So I got to see the presentation of prizes for the scarecrow competition instead. One of the winners was a very impressive 8ft tall costume, which did actually look a bit scary. (I did take a few pictures of the scarecrows later but my digital camera threw a wobbly and erased them. Arse!) Then after a lot of faffing about 6ft Midget took the stage. They were a bit more late-period Ash than nu-metal but not bad for all that. And they dedicated a couple of songs to Barry White. They were followed by Empathy who were definitely nu-metal, also dedicated songs ot Barry White and might have sounded better if they'd kept their guitars in tune and concentrated on playing rather than slagging off their ex-drummer. The nu-metal didn't stop once Sillibus took the stage and the whole "nu-metal fest" was rounded off by Disarm who threw in some Napalm Death-type vocal stylings but then ruined it all by having a drum solo. Fortunately, they didn't follow it with a bass solo or hours of interminable guitar-wankery. Overall, I felt very old - well I must have been at least twenty years older than most of the audience - and whilst I was entertained I didn't get the feeling that any of these bands were going to set the world on fire. Entertaining but not innovative. Hhm, think I might have to start spending a few nights hanging out in the music venues of Doncaster..... Well, I was going to mention the tennis, but to be honest, it's been dire since Henman got knocked out. And besides the Tour De France has started. Now I can look forward to annoying my parents by constantly switching over to Eurosport to catch the live action, or insisting on watching the highlights on ITV2, despite the fact that the last time I raced anyone on a bike was about 24 years ago, and given the number and steepness of the hills around here, my bike isn't likely to come out of the garage. Go on, stick your oar in:
|