Heart of Gold. Nerves of Steel. Knob of Butter.
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Friday 28th February22:05Tales of the UnexpectedSo there I was on Wednesday eveing, watching The Simpsons at the end of another long hard day looking for work, when my phone rings. "What idiot is ringing me at this time of the night?", I wonder. Hey, that was no idiot but my older brother, Mark, who'd been in Cambridge for a presentation and gave me about twenty minutes notice before coming round to see me. If I'd had a bit more warning, I'd have tidied up and cooked something nice for tea, but as it was, it was nice to see him, albeit for a somewhat limited time. It cheered me up no end. Mind, if he'd given me a bit more notice, I think I'd have only taken advantage by making him take me out to eat in central Cambridge, as Cherry Hinton does lack a high-class eatery, unfortunately. And I definitely wouldn't have shaved my head.Hey, does anyone know how I can make some money out of the fact that Peter Greenaway's editor sort of agreed with my list of essential albums? Actually, I know he isn't a regular reader of the site, sadly, but Mark got him to take a look at the list, and it's nice to know that your brother thinks enough of something you've written to recommend it to someone he knows and that that someone has something positive to say about it. The other thing, of course, is that now having that connection, I can bore people stupid at parties talking about my six degrees of separation from just about any movie star you care to name. Jack, you might want to keep me away from the booze and/or the young laydees next weekend..... My comments mechanism appears not to be working at the moment, and I suspect that's because I've been using it for ages without paying and they're getting fed up. I'll have to sort myself out and pay enetation something in the next couple of days, but until I do, there'll be no comments link. Sorry aboot that.
Tuesday 25th February22:40How could I have missed this bit of news?Why did no one tell me it's National Pub Week? I'd better get out there and do my bit for the cause. Of course, I'm going to have to make up for missing the fact that it was National Chip Week last week and I failed to trot out the usual tired old parody piece that I've been circulating to workmates for the last few years. You can have a look here if you want to know what you didn't miss. Anyway, I'm going to have to work on a similar piece for this week now. Ah, it's all go here.
Sunday 23rd February19:40I am the King of rock and roll, completelyI've finally completed my "think" piece on the albums that you should all be listening to. You can find out just how culturally unaware you are here. I thought long and hard about what to include and what to omit, and for a while I did make a conscious effort to balance it up, but then I realised that this is my game and my rules so I can include what the heck I want and if you don't like it you can post your comments here.
Saturday 22nd February21:00Returning to normality......after about a week of feeling pretty poorly, although my ear is still not right, so I guess it's back to the doc's for a check on that this week. I am, of course, attributing my recovery to the fine food and fine company that I enjoyed round at Anne's house on Wednesday night. It was a very enjoyable evening with some ex-co-workers and respective partners, marred only by the fact that I couldn't actually drink any alcohol. Still, there's always next time...I haven't been up to much else this week - mainly sleeping and feeling ill - so there's not much else to report. I called in to The Portland on Friday lunchtime to catch up with the rest of my ex-co-workers, which was nice. I've done a bit more work on my "essential album" piece, and I'll be working on it again this weekend, so it may see the light of day ere long. Oh, and I spent an ill-considered amount at Fopp, as per usual. I finally cashed in my winning lottery ticket and promptly blew the lot, and then some, on a stack of CD's and The Wicker Man and Battle Royale on DVD. I just hope my PC can actually play DVD's otherwise I'm going to feel a little foolish.
Tuesday 18th February22:15'Tis the season to be poorly...My lovely ear infection has been joined by a very heavy cold-cum-flu-type thing that had me curled up on the sofa shivering under a duvet for most of Sunday. I felt quite bad, but a couple of days of copious fluids, multi-vitamins and hot drinks seems to have got me past the worst of it. Sadly, it has left me feeling rather lethargic and, therefore, not feeling like updating this site. So I haven't. I've been sort of working on the draft of my "essential album" piece, in between naps on the sofa and trips to the shops for more Lucozade and paracetomol, but it's still not ready yet. Hopefully, I'll feel up to finishing it off tomorrow and posting it, but it's more likely to happen on Thursday as I'm off out tomorrow night and I need as much rest as possible. Also, I have to sign-on on Friday, so I'm going to have to apply for some more jobs. There are a couple of possibilities that I need to look into tomorrow as they may not be around much longer. Anyway, that's about all the news that's fit to print, except to say Happy Birthday to Sir Bobby Robson (I know he's a big fan of mine...)
Saturday 15th February20:10Is it free? I'll take two then.I have to admit that I'm not a great consumer of the music press, but I am a sucker for the free CDs they give away every now and then. I've always been keen on that sort of promotional bribery, probably because some many publications used to do it in the early '80s. I've got flexi-discs from Smash Hits, singles from the NME and Sounds and cassettes from gawd-knows-where cluttering up my house to this day. Of course, more recently, it's been the free CD that tempts me. That said, I'm not that indiscriminate - there has to be something on there that I think might be worth listening to. I've never been tempted by anything on the front of Mojo, for example. Recently Kerrang! have managed to lure me, although the fact that my PC seems to dislike their Best of 2002 suggests that I should have consulted it first...
Anyway, I bought NME yesterday for the first time in years because it has a free CD with it. Whatta mistake-a to make-a! For a start the "paper" itself seems to have lost whatever critical faculties it used to have and seems to have become a toadying parody of itself. It's not a serious paper but a music comic. Perhaps that's just a reflection on the shrinking market and dwindling influence of the music press, in that now the NME need the record companies on their side rather than the other way round. At least it does still have a great gig guide. This is rather getting off the point as the CD is what I actually wanted to write about. It's a promo for the NME Awards and as such features all the usual suspects that have been touted as "The Next Big Thing" for the last year or so. Anxious to discover what I was missing, I tuned in, turned on and nodded off. All I can say is, you know things are bad when a 26-year old Clash track is one of the best things on there. Alright, I like The Clash, but even so. Here, for your delight, is a rundown and critique of the tracks on said CD: Anyway, tomorrow, hopefully, I should be telling you which album in the entire world from the last fifty years you ought to be making your friends and anyone else listen to. I'm still actually drafting the piece so it might take slightly longer. And in order to appease the assembled masses - last weekend I went to London to see my mate John, we spent Friday night at the Battersea Beer Festival, which I was outdone in both the fattest and most beardy categories, but not in the fattest beardy category. Saturday, Russ joined us, we watched the Liverpool game and then we went to see Crewe play at Brentford and were rewarded with a 2-1 win for Crewe which did involve a fair amount of luck. Afterwards we went drinking in Ealing with a couple of John's friends. I got fairly drunk, proved my ability at pool and cheated like a bastard at table football. Sunday, I got up at lunchtime took in the Manchester derby and the Newcastle vs Arsenal game and then, thanks to Sue giving me a lift, headed back home. I had a great weekend and it was nice to see some old mates again and some new mates that I hadn't seen since John's wedding. Right, now I'm off to celebrate England's win over France in the Six Nations rugby. I may not have played rugby for a couple of years, but I haven't forgotten the art of celebrating. I've got the funnel, all I need is someone to pour that Guinness up my arse....
Thursday 13th February22:30The government lied to us, againAll our work has been in vain. Despite the fact that more than 390,000 people declared their religion to be "Jedi" on the last Census form, the government will not be recognising it as an official religion. According to this news story Jedi followers will be officially be classified as "atheist". Hey, just because it's only been around for 26 years and has no written creed doesn't mean it's not a religion, does it? After all the early Christians were persecuted for many years before the Gospels appeared.... Alright, it's a tenuous link. Perhaps if George Lucas claimed that he'd translated it from some sacred scrolls using special spectacles from God, which he's subsequently mislaid. Ah no, the Mormons have done that one already. Anyway, apparently 1.9% of the population of Cambridge are Jedi followers, but that can't be right because surely they'd all be employed on great salaries as doormen in the town centre. Cue the Jedi mind-trick - "This is not the pub you are looking for. Go on your way in peace." Ah, maybe not. Still, I'll be off to the official Census site tomorrow to try to find more statistical anomalies for your delectation and delight.According to this news story today, a Bangladeshi man has been arrested at Heathrow after arriving on a flight from Colombia with a live hand grenade in his luggage. You've got to wonder how they managed to miss that at the baggage check. Or perhaps they just thought it was a novelty talc dispenser - I had one back in the '70's. I wish I'd kept it now, although the talc was fairly horrible. There was also a grenade-shaped aftershave bottle in circulation at the same time, I seem to recall, although it was a lot less realistic looking as it was made out of glass. Ding Dong! Avon calling! In amongst all the doom and gloom about the impending loss of British soldiers lives in Iraq as they get bombed by the Americans, again, there's always a story that makes me laugh. Today, it's this one. Bio-terror toys for kids, my ass! As today's chemical spill alert at the Cambridge Science Park (source) serves to remind us, the Fire Brigade deal with a large number of different incidents, not just fires and cats stuck in trees. And what's more most of those incidents aren't terror-related. For flip's sake people, get a grip.
Tuesday 11th February16:00Dizzy, my head is spinningI did mean to update on Monday morning after my weekend in that there London, but whilst I enjoyed the Battersea Beer Festival and seeing Crewe win away for the first time in three or four seasons, I was plagued by the eruption of an ear infection. Now, this is making me feel slightly dizzy, which makes concentration difficult and adds a whole new fun dimension to using the Green Cross Code - "Look left, look right, look at the ground whilst you try not to fall over...." Fortunately, it's in my "deaf" ear, so my hearing hasn't been affected too much. Anyway, I've spent most of the last couple of days not moving my head too much. The other drawback, of course, is that I can't drink alcohol if I want the antibiotics to work properly. Damn!Anyway, you'll have to wait a couple of days for the "Essential Album" piece, or indeed anything else interesting. Sorry.
Thursday 6th February23:00Get you titters outFor the last week or so I have been enjoying (if that's the right word) a CD by Frankie Howerd called Get Your Titters Out. It's a curious amalgam of some of his earlier recorded songs and some "dance" tunes that feature his vocals. It's very strange. One moment he's dueting with Margaret Rutherford on a comic version of Nymphs and Shepherds and the next he's exhorting you to "raise your titters, raise yours titters, get your titters out" to some moronic Eurobeat. Sadly the CD doesn't include his sparklng version of Je T'Aime with June Whitfield, but I've got that on mp3 already. Still, all in all I think it was probably a better purchase than the John Bird reads the speeches of Idi Amin CD that I was also considering at the same time.Things are still a bit slow on the job front, although I've had a couple of calls this week regarding possible opportunities. Of course, I should really get off my fat arse and get on with seriously looking for a new job, but until the cash situation gets a bit tighter I'm not actually that bothered. I can survive another couple of months before things start to go pear-shaped. Of course, as my younger brother pointed out, the sooner I get a job the more money I can blow on a big toy for me. So, anyone know of any jobs that I could do? Finally, a thought for the weekend and beyond. If you were suddenly King of Rock'n' Roll, what's the one album that you'd make everyone in the world have to listen to? It doesn't have to be the best, the hippest, the most influential or whatever. Heck, it doesn't even have to be any good as long as you can justify your reason for making people listen to it. Unless your only reason is to scare the beejaysus out of the listener - I've already lined up some albums to do that. Go on, tell me, I dares ya.
Wednesday 5th February20:50Curse you, God!Of course, it's not really God's fault. Nobody's fault but my own, but I feel like blaming someone. Having woken up on Monday morning with an attack of gout, which left me hobbling round the house for most of the day, I was pleased to wake on Tuesday pain-free. A situation which lasted amost all day until, coming out of the bathroom on the way to bed, I managed to smash my foot against the door frame. Ow! Argh! Still, I thought the pain would soon subside and that I'd be OK. Sadly I was wrong. The pain caused me a disturbed night's sleep and when I woke up this morning my little toe was all swollen and a nice purple-ish colour. Fortunately, there only seems to be bruising and the swelling has gone down, but again I've been hobbling round like an old man. Gah! Ah well, serves my right for being clumsy, I suppose.
Tuesday 4th February23:30"Accrington Stanley? Who are they?"Milk? It's what Ian Rush drinks. Remember the adverts they used to show when you were a kid? Any that really stick in your head? Inspired by my reply to Tim's comment (see below) and a conversation in the pub with Eddy and his mates when we were moving house, here are some of the adverts that I remember from when I was a kid. Obviously this will make no sense whatsoever to anyone who didn't live in the UK in the 70s and 80s, and probably won't make much sense to those who did.Watch Out, there's a Humphrey about! - a weird and wonderful campaign run by Unigate to promote milk. The premise was that the Humphrey, basically a red-and-white striped straw, would drink your milk if you didn't get to it first. The slogan was turned into a jaunty jingle, if I recall correctly, which went something on the lines of Watch Out. Watch Out. Watch Out. There's a Humphrey abou-ou-out! If you know what's good for you, you do - Weetabix, obviously. For a brief period in the 80's promoted by a gang of anthropomorphic skinhead Weetabix complete with boots, tight jeans, braces and white t-shirts. Token girl member, Trixie (or somesuch) differed only in the fact that she had some hair. The basic precept of the ad apparently being that either you eat Weetabix or this gang of thugs is going to come round and kick the living daylights out of you. Briefly they were the National Front of cereal. Not a smart move. No one can eat three Shredded Wheat - Ah, the sound of a challenge. Shredded Wheat ran with this idea for years - no one can eat more than two. More than two and and you'd turn into some sort of sporting superman, hence the appearances of Ian Botham and Peter Shilton, amongst others, in their ads. Of course it wasn't true, as my older brother Mark and I proved one Saturday morning when we demolished a catering-sized pack of the things between us in a crazy challenge. Our parents weren't impressed either. I'm a Secret Lemonade Drinker - Fabulous, musical adverts for R. White's Lemonade. "I'm trying to give it up, but it's one of those nights" Featured desparate dad creeping downstairs in the middle of the night to getsome of that tasty beverage. Later versions featured the wife sneaking downstairs and then Ronnie Corbett, for no apparent reason. Enjoyed a revival in the 90s and most people over the age of 25 can probably sing the entire song. Hold on there, Bald Eagle - The Texan bar was a chocolate-covered nougat thing that took about an hour to eat. The nougat was so tough, you could have filled teeth with it. Was promoted with a series of cartoons featuring a Lone Ranger type facing calamity and having a Texan bar as his last request. It took so long to eat that the Indian war party or Mexican firing squad or whatever lost interest in killing him. "Time sure goes slow when you're chewing a Texan bar." And by God, it did. Book Early - Long before the slick campaigns that holiday companies use today, they used to let actual businessmen promote their own products. Fred Pontin wasn't entirely daft, as he got a slick sidekick in to do all the hard sell stuff first before he'd deliver his catchphrase to camera replete with cheesy grin and thumbs-up. Back in the old days though, the broadcast schedule wasn't quite as tight as it is today (we still had a dozen or so commercial channels operating their own schedules on a common network) so the ads could occasionally run longer than scheduled. On one such occasion it was Fred's ad that was had to fill the overrun and the final ten seconds or so featured Fred desperately trying to hold the pose. Sadly unsuccessfully. The sight of smiley uncle Fred turning into grumpy, pissed-off uncle Fred put me off Pontins for life.
Saturday 1st February18:45Kung Hei Fat ChoiWhich, as far as I'm aware, is Chinese for Happy New Year. Today being the first day of the new Chinese Year. The Year Of The Sheep/Goat, depending on which interpretation of the Chinese zodiac you prefer. The Fat Fakir prefers the Sheep, if you'll pardon the expression. According to the forecast, not an auspicious year for Snakes like me to make dramatic changes in any area of their lives, but my social life will hold "many new and interesting connections". Wahey, can't wait! Anyway, if you want to check out your Chinese horoscope for the forthcoming year you can do it here. They've even got a link so you can find your sign, if you're not sure, but anyone born in 1969 might find it a bit confusing. And if you're feeling more culturally inclined, there's also 7000 Years of Jade at the British Museum. Thankfully nothing to do with the pig-faced, thick-as-two short-ones "star" from last summer's Big Brother...I've spent a while trying to dream up an amusing sentence or two to introduce the next link that me old mucker Tony sent me, but I don't think there's anything I can say that would do it justice. Anyway, if you've ever ridden a motorbike and want to take your very last ride in style then you can definitely do worse than check out the Motorcycle Hearse. Cheers Tony, that's one for the Link list on the right - I only hope you weren't trying to tell me something when you sent it.... Well, as everyone in the universe must know by now, there was a bit of snow and the whole country ground to a halt. I made light of the fact in the last entry (see below) but it took Tim about 18 hours to get home. Sorry to hear that, mate - hope you've thawed out now.
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