Tuesday 16th December 2008

light flashes, return to seat

Typical isn't it? You don't update for ages and then in the middle of writing your updates the news overtakes you and renders half what you've written irrelevant. Well, that might not happen to you (especially if you keep on top of your website updates) but it happened to me just as I was finally getting round to assembling this update. I'd written quite a bit about Crewe Alexandra's disappointing start to the season and how even I had lost faith in the ability of the manager to turn things around and then the club announced that Steve Holland had been relieved of his duties as first-team coach and that former manager and current Director of Football, Dario Gradi was back in the hot seat temporarily. Clearly the club's board of Directors saw the same things in the tame home defeat to a poor Leyton Orient side that I did and decided enough was enough. Given the general consensus amongst fans that the board would be prepared to give him until Christmas at least, this move came as a shock to almost everyone. It certainly came as a shock to the players who had earlier been training under Steve's watchful eye ahead of the weekend's game against Stockport. To be honest, once I'd got over the initial surprise that the board had acted decisively, I felt an overwhelming sadness and disappointment. Sadness that the move from Academy director to First Team coach hadn't worked out for Steve, who is a really nice bloke. Disappointment that it had got to the point where the last resort was the only resort and that Steve's 14 years of good work at the Academy will forever be tainted by his failure with the first team. The Crewe chairman, John Bowler, has discussed an alternative role for Steve, as the club are keen not to lose his skills completely, but it now seems likely that Steve will take up the vacant post of Academy Director down the road at Stoke City. In the meantime, we were hoping that the return of Dario and his favourite son, Kenny Lunt (back on loan from Sheffield Wednesday again), might serve to lift the team. Sadly, all we got in the next game was a brutal reality check as a high-flying Stockport coped with our sporadic passages of decent play in the first half and then upped the tempo in the second to run out comfortable winners by three goals to nil. Clearly, it wasn't just down to the manager that we weren't doing very well - there were three or four players at least who just weren't up to the required standard. And despite Dario tinkering with the formation and improving performances, we hsave lost all three league games under his command and are now six points adrift at the foot of the table. We did manage a win away at Carlisle in the second round of the FA Cup but as the reward for that is a trip to Millwall, it may have been that both sides were trying to lose... Anyway, it'll be interesting to see who applies for the manager's job, what sort of quality candidates we get and who the board go with. There have been plenty of names bandied about already but very few inspire me with any confidence. What we need is an experienced manager with a belief in the Youth Academy system and a track record of success. Shouldn't be too hard to find, eh? Not that I'm expecting an appointment in the near future as the board appear to be moving with all the speed of a glacier...

And in another example of the news over taking you - no sooner had I bigged up The Clik Clik for their performance at The Box than they announce they're splitting up. Hope it wasn't that tour (or my review) that convinced them to pack it in.

The cold snap at the start of November brought on a heavy cold, which arrived just in time for my birthday. Not exactly the best present I've ever given myself although, it was slightly better than the dodgy leg rash I suffered the week before. It was so alarming that I took some photos. I even went to the doctor to get it checked out. Sadly, my doctor didn't know what it was either. So she called in a colleague for a second opinion and he arrived with a medical student in tow and another of the practice's doctors... Even a second and third opinion was no closer to solving the mystery although they were able to tell me what it wasn't. So, they took some blood and sent me away with instructions to rest it and come back if it got worse. It didn't get worse, and the blood tests were, apparently, inconclusive, so I went back and gave them some more blood and am waiting the results from that set of tests. In the meantime, my leg has healed up and there's hardly any sign there was ever anything wrong. Still, you can have a look at my purple swollen thing below. And my leg....

Of course, compared to the losses suffered by other members of my family and one of my good friends recently, a mystery rash on my leg is nothing. So perhaps I should just shut up and stop moaning?

Back on the subject of birthday presents, my sister and her family got me a lovely, black Flying V Ukulele. Marvellous. Not only does it look rock'n'roll but it comes in a custom-made white vinyl gig bag with blue furry lining. The only disappointing thing about it was that the tuning pegs were a bit slack so I couldn't tune it up at my sister's and play them a jolly birthday tune. Still, a bit of work with a screwdriver back at my place and it's good to go. Continuing the photo theme of this update, there are a couple of pictures below. (Luckily, footage of me actually playing the thing is still not available...)

The other thing I did for my birthday was to go and watch Crewe Alexandra playing at Huddersfield. It was a long way to go for nothing. Especially as engineering work on the railway scuppered my plans for pre-match beers in Stalybridge. The lager in the ground was horrible and the result was pretty dire too - having managed to somehow pull themselves level from two goals down, Crewe pressed the self-destruct button and conceded the winning goal two minutes from time. About the only good thing about being in Huddersfield were the lovely Yorkshire Pudding wraps (basically a soggy Yorkshire Pudding folded round some roast beef and a splash of gravy. And that was about as good as it got. Still, at least on the way back I met up with some fellow Crewe fans and enjoyed a few beers in Stalybridge and Manchester before heading home.

Following the Alex's defeat at home to Leyton Orient back at the end of November, I met up with Jules from crewe blog and a couple of other long-suffering Alex fans and, after a couple of pints in Bar 22 and The Express and much general agreement that the Alex are poor and the manager needs to go, we headed up to The Box. We'd missed the first act on, The Guide (sorry about that, chaps), and User Friendly were doing their stuff. They were pretty good, again, although they seemed a bit less organised than last time. They were followed by The Shylos. Well, clearly as they're all young lads, they can't have heard of The Lurkers, but that was exactly who they sounded like. Nothing wrong with a bit of 70's Punk, of course, but I'm just old enough to remember it. In order to pass the time we picked up our debate about the future of Crewe Alex. They were followed by The Sumo Kings. Sadly, this time they weren't accompanied by the grooving granny, but that was about the only downside to their performance. They did occasionally get a bit shouty, but that's only to be expected. And then last up were local favourites Sgt Wolfbanger. Not a lot else I can say about this lot that I haven't said before - top entertainment, some banging choons (check out 'If I'm Honest' on their myspace page) and a good stage presence. If there's any justice, they'll be all over the music press by the end of next year.

There's loads of other stuff I really ought to be updating you on - my fancy dress outfit, trips to watch Nantwich Town FC, the one new album I've bought, some crappy DVDs I've watched, the fun I've had with recording my guiitar through my computer and my upcoming project for the New Year, for example - but if I go on then I'll never get this up before Christmas, as the bishop said to the actress... I'll try to get back into the habit of updating more regularly as soon as I can, honest.

Go on, stick your oar in:

Wednesday 15th October

Waiting for a date from the loyaliser

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I haven't done an update for ages, what's the big deal? It's not like I've been doing anything interesting. Or have I..?

Way back around the end of August, I went to see my mates The Lockdown at Crewe's newest music venue, The Box. It's called The Box for good reason - it's a windowless, cube of a building that looks like, er, a box. That said, get yerself inside and up the stairs and you'll find an excellent little venue. And they're putting on a corking series of Friday night gigs at the moment. This gig I was at was the first and featured The Lockdown, Blast Stereos Loud (both local(ish) bands) and up-and-coming indie-kids The Clik Clik. The Lockdown opened proceedings with a fairly short set which included a couple of new songs. They only made two mistakes for me, one was apologising for doing 'I Don't Know How' and the other was not saving 'Like Never Before' till last. Next up were Blast Stereos Loud. I'm afraid they didn't get my gears turning. They weren't helped by a rather sludgy sound or the fact that they hadn't dragged any of their mates along to make it look like they could draw a crowd, but they were a bit ordinary. Final act on stage were The Clik Clik. Now I'd checked out their myspace page beforehand and was expecting to be driven to incandescent rage by their twee pop but it turns out that live it's a bit more ballsy and in-your-face and a good deal more enjoyable. I have to also give them extra marks for coming out and watching the support bands too. Even so I couldn't stay till the end of their set as I wanted to get the last train home. Yes, I'm turning into Larry Lightweight...

Then, early in September I had a few days off. I was going to go to Whitby for a little break and watch Nantwich Town play a league game whilst I was there, but the cost of my new PC rather scuppered that plan. In the end I spent a few days pottering around at home, catching up on paperwork and stuff. I also had a little trip out to Nantwich Musuem. I've been meaning to pop in for ages but never got round to it. This time though, alongside the permanent static displays, they were staging an exhibit called 'Scary Monsters and Super Creeps' which featured the work of locally-based special effects artist Reuben Armana. Mr Armana has worked on a number of projects, including Dr Who, Star Wars and Lord of the Rings but the majority of the exhibits were from two less-well-known productions - Glitch and Lemon Heart (So less well known, in fact, that I couldn't find many references to them on t'Internetto.). I had an enjoyable couple of hours wandering round, looking at the exhibits and taking photographs. Given that the museum has not much more floor space than an average house, they certainly manage to cram a lot in and I'm not sure my photos do it justice. You can see my photos on my flickr page in my Nantwich Museum photoset. If I was to have a quibble, which would surely be harsh, it would be that Mr Armana didn't really design the Star Wars stormtrooper outfit on display, unless he did it when he was three... Still it was worth checking out. Sadly for you lot though, that exhibition has finished - if you go any time between now and November 8th, there's an exhibition by local artist Vic Irving, and after that there's an exhibition of art and creative writing by member's of the Crewe Mental Health Plus group. Check out the museum website for details of opening times and future exhibitions.

Towards the end of September I had a busy weekend. It started on Friday night with another trip to The Box to meet up with Jules from crewe blog and take in some more of the sterling indie-rock that the venue are promoting at the moment. I arrived part way through a set by unbilled support act Scott Nicholas. One man, one guitar and no stage banter, but very enjoyable. The unexpected was followed by the unimpressive. Next on were Pilot Wings, who had zero stage presence and obviously no one checking their sound out front as the guitar was almost inaudible. What we ended up with was bass-heavy sludge, which was dreary enough but was compounded by the fact that the guitarist-cum-keyboardist-cum-frontman seemed more interested in entertaining his mates on stage than entertaining the audience. That all said, check out their myspace page as they sound like a reasonable act on that. Penultimate band of the evening were User Friendly. Storming indie from a local outfit. Presenting a brand new set, apparently, and including a bit of Salt'n'Pepa's "Push It". Very entertaining. They've got the stage thing sussed. Worth checking out, in my opinion, and not just because the lead singer is a Crewe Alex fan. Last on, all the way from the frozen wastes of Northwich were up-and-coming indie stars The Shallow Call. Keen observers of the pop scene may recall their single 'Frank Bruno' recently caused minor ripple in the indie charts. They've got the lot - catchy tunes, stage presence and good idea of how to deliver a balanced set. If you like your pop edgy, spiky and shot through with good humour, you can't go far wrong with this lot. Overall, a good night - good venue with a decent crowd in, decent bands, and only four of your Crewe pounds. Fans of live music in the Crewe and Nantwich area should get themselves down The Box every Friday. You might not see anyone you've ever heard of (although some of them may go on to achieve success) but you're pretty much guaranteed to hear something you like. That said, I won't be down there for another couple of weeks due to financial constraints and other commitments...

Anyway, following my boozy Friday night I had to get up reasonably early in order to greet my old mucker Tim W and his colleague Simon, who were rolling into town for the Nantwich Beer Festival. The Beer Fest is actually part of the much larger Nantwich Food Festival, which features all sorts of food-related fun, including celebrity chefs, exotic produce, and wine tastings. Of course, we weren't really concerned with that sort of frippery but with working our way through as many of the ales on offer at the festival as possible. Well, Tim and I were, Simon was taking it a bit steadier. Having made our way in we got our half pint glasses and Tim and I bought ten tokens each (each token entitling you to a half pint of ale) whilst Simon went for five. We started the day with a hearty brunch (well, breakfast for me) of Dabbers Pie with chips and onion relish. The Dabbers pie is a pork pie with cheese and pickle in and is absolutely delicious when served hot. We accompanied this with the first ale of the day. For me it was Hyde's Owd Bill, Tim went for a Pot Wallop and I'm not sure what Simon had. To be honest, that's about as far as my clarity on drinks and the order in which they were consumed actually goes. We had a couple more before taking a break and visiting the Union pub to watch the Liverpool v Everton derby and cleanse our pallets with some dirty lager. Then it was back into the fest to taste some more superb ales (altohugh I missed out on the Wobbly Bob, which Tim assures me was excellent) and catch up on what's been a-happening in each other's lives. Turns out Simon had worked for Convergys in Bristol and had had an interview at my old place in Cambridge. I would remark upon it being a small world but there surely aren't that many technical authors in Britain. Anyway, Simon ducked out around 3-ish, leaving Tim and I to work through our remaing beer tokens. Either by accident or design we managed to finish conveniently in time for Tim to meet up with his partner ansd get a lift home. I made the somewhat foolish error of returning to the fest to have another crack at the beers despite the fact that I knew I ought to go home for a lie down. I thought I'd be OK but after another couple of beers I knew I was struggling and despite having a little sleep whilst sat in a corner I had to give up on my last half and found myself heading homewards around 8.30pm. Still, for me that wasn't a bad effort - eight and a half hours drinking and only one little sleep. Anyway, I have listed the beers that I can remember drinking below. It's not a complete list - I had 14 tokens and can only remember 12 of the beers....

• Hydes 'Owd Bill'
• Northern 'Deep Dark Secret'
• Beartown 'Ginger Bear'
• Woodlands 'Midnight Stout'
• Beartown 'Polar Eclipse Stout'
• Coastal 'Merry Maiden's Mild'
• Country Life 'Pot Wallop'
• Hanby 'Black Magic Mild'
• Weetwood 'Cheshire Cat'
• George Wright 'Blue Moon'
• Skinner's 'Betty Stoggs'
• Country Life 'Lacey's Best'

Unsurprisingly, when I got home from my day out drinking I crashed out on the sofa and dozed through till about three in the morning, when I got up and went to bed. Suprisingly, when I did get up for real on Sunday morning I felt OK. Tired and a little thirsty, but not as nauseous as I feared I might. In fact I felt so reasonably OK that I managed to persuade my sister to let me tag along with her, to the Cholmondeley Castle Classic Car Show. Cholmondeley Castle isn't a real castle, but was built in the style of a castle back in the early 1800s, for the Marquess of Cholmondeley. Incidentally, if you're struggling with the name, it's pronounced 'chum-lee', obviously. I'm not sure how much of the castle itself you can visit, but the splendid castle gardens are open from March to September and they often host events, such as this one, in the grounds. Anyway, the weather was fine and although the ground was dampo, it was a lovely day out. I took a few photographs, of course, and you can find the best in my Cholmondeley Car Show photoset on flickr. I have to say there were a fair few E-Type jaguars there and I snapped a few, but frankly I could have filled an album with shots of them alone. The other thing I surmised from the event is that I'm obviously getting old when the cars that I remember as being the staple of my Dad's driving history when I was growing up are now considered classics. (Although, of course, there was never anything classic about the Rover SD1, except as an example of the declining standards of the British motoring industry perhaps...)

As a comic-book fanboy, I still can't help getting excited when I hear about a movie project based on some comic or other. This is usually followed by a feeling of disappointment as I realise that said movie is a pile of pants. To be honest, you'd think it'd be fairly straightforward to transfer a comic to the big screen, wouldn't you? After all, what else is a comic but a big storyboard, so all you have to do is fill in the gaps and make sure you get the special effects right, surely? There must be something more to it than that though, otherwise I'd be telling you that Iron Man and The Hulk are as good as the first Sam Raimi-directed Spiderman film. Anyway, all this is a bit of a preamble to bringing to your attention the forthcoming Watchmen movie. (Watch out that site takes a while to load.) Yes, a movie based on Alan Moore and Dave Gibbon's seminal work of 1986/7. It was one of the few things I kept after my brief stint working in the comics industry (along with Frank Miller's 'Dark Knight' Batman graphic novel and his Elektra mini-series and all the X-Men Mutant Massacre comics, including the cross-overs). If you're not familiar with it, Wikipedia has a very good Watchmen article. Sadly, having seen the trailer, I think I'm doomed to disappointment. The characters all look ten years younger than they are portrayed in the comic and the colours are very much darker. Also I expect that a lot of the backstory and sub-plots will be lost. Of course, some of that's a necessity - you can't cram twelve issues worth of story into a two hour film, but some of it is unfilmable too. It might turn out to be a reasonable adaptation in it's own right - let's not jump to conclusions - but I reckon the only way I'll be able to enjoy it is to divorce it entirely from the comic books. Which might be difficult as I've just re-read them...

Gas, boys! Gas! No, it's not the return of my staggeringly-wrong gas bill, but something a little more worrying. The gas fires in my house had their annual inspection a while back and got a clean bill of health. Which was nice. Unfortunately, since then (and I'm pretty certain it is only since then) I've been greeted by a faint smell of gas in my bedroom upon returning from work every day. I took no real notice putting it down to me being a bit of a slob and assumed it was more to do with the fact that my laundry basket is right by the bedroom door. So I was somewhat alarmed to receive my energy bill and find that I'd been charged for some gas, even though the only time the fires have been on was for their inspection. Even more alarming was finding on checking the meter (which is outside, otherwise I might have checked it more often), that not only had some gas been used but that the meter had increased since the last reading was taken. So I turned the gas off at the mains and, lo and behold, no gas smell in my bedroom (well, not one that I didn't make myself) and no increase on the meter. And another job on the list of things I'm still waiting for the letting agent to sort out. It's time for a personal visit to their office I think, rather than the telephone calls which are getting no response.

Finally, here's something for my musically-inclined friends to think about. When I went to see the Lockdown a couple of weeks ago, I got talking to a young lady (a friend of a friend, I should point out - I don't go round randomly chatting up women) and she suggested I should start playing the bass again, get me old mate Ian back on the drums and get a band back together. In fact, she was fairly forceful about it. Well, I don't know about re-uniting the band, although I do know enough people to get some sort of act together. The only stumbling block is finding a decent singer, and even then I do know a girl who has a great voice - I just have to get back in touch with her... Anyway, this got me thinking. Next summer it's 25 years since I was diagnosed with cancer. (Yes, 25 years! Stick that in your pipe, God!) I can pinpoint the date with a fair degree of accuracy as I was in hospital during the great North Wales earthquake of 1984 and that was 19th July. That was a day or two after I'd had the operation that confirmed the diagnosis. Anyway, I thought that as a way of marking the occasion, I'd stage a gig and play a few tunes. Maybe get a few old mates to make an appearance, book a proper headline band perhaps and donate the profits to charidee. I'd even got a name for the event - "Bollocks to Cancer" - although I've since discovered there's already a documentary film called that (which I must have heard of) and I wouldn't want to look like I was poncing off that. Haven't booked a venue yet, or even got my guitar out to see if I can remember any of the songs we used to play, but if anyone's interested in getting on board with this, let me know.

Right, that's your lot and I didn't even drone on about the football. Again, apologies for the lack of updating action. I still struggle to find the time to write this shit up, to be honest. And I ought to warn you that I might not do another update for a while because I've just bought one of these, so will be spending my winter recording all sorts of stuff. In between recording sessions I will be following the exercises in Charlie Bronson's Solitary Fitness book and listening to 'Viva Dead Ponies by The Fatima Mansions, from which the title of this post is taken. Cheerio!

Go on, stick your oar in:

Sunday 31st August

Techno traumas

I'm sure I've mentioned it before but my PC at home has been playing up of late. I've had trouble getting it to start up and usually have had to switch the power off and on at the wall a few times before it would boot up. Well, I used to have to do that but, over the Bank Holiday weekend, even that tactic failed and my PC showed absolutely no sign of springing to life. I opened the case up for the first time in ten years, carefully brushed out the dust (all over the living room carpet) and checked all the wiring was properly seated and the like but the best I got out of it was a brief spin of the fan and a threat of booting up before it shut down. Bugger, I thought. Well, that left me with four choices:

1. Go without Internet access all weekend and wait till I get back to work to do all my surfing.
2. Rig up my old laptop to t'Internet and try to find out what went wrong and if I can fix it.
3. Make a flying visit to my parents to get my other old PC out of their cellar and hope I can use that.
4. Bite the bullet, do what I should have done years ago and buy a new PC.

Well, having ruled out the first option as just crazy, the second one as too much as a faff, the third as being even more of a faff than the second option, I took the fourth. I managed to persuade my sister to give me a lift to PC World and there, without too much ado, purchased a sparkly new Dell Inspiron with 19-inch flat-screen monitor for a shade under four hundred quids. It's perhaps a bit light on diskspace, with only 160GB but I bought a 160GB portable drive whilst I was in PC World, so I should be alright for storage for a year or two. Surely?

The other drawback to buying a new PC now is that I've had to get one with Vista on it. Bizarrely, it seems to run a bit slower than my beloved Windows 98, despite the fact it's got sixteen times the RAM of my old PC. Mind you, my old PC used to stop responding if I had more than about four applications running on it, whilst this one shows no sign of creaking under strain. Yet. I guess if it really does start to irritate me I can install XP or Linux as a dual-boot option.

(And before you say it, yes, I know, I'd be better off spending my money on a hand-built job with decent components, spec'ed the way I want it, than a "mass-produced piece of junk" from a retail chain, but frankly, I don't have the money for a PC or laptop spec'ed the way I'd really like. Or the time to wait for Dell or someone to build a lower spec one and deliver it to my house.)

Of course, the real drawback to the death of my PC is that (hopefully only temporarily) I've lost hundreds of music files, photos and the like that I didn't get round to backing up. A lot of it I'm not that bothered about but there are some things I'll miss - photos/movies from my sister's wedding, the Clodhoppers album I spent a couple of days transferring from tape, the v/vm downloads and one or two other things that'll be a bit more difficult to find again now that people are more reluctant to share music files publicly. Of course, I've also lost all the electronic copies of my CV, so I hope I don't have to find a new job in a hurry! Luckily, I do have another PC that I can cannibalise for spare parts, so I'll get that from my parents and see if I can get my old PC to run again, even if only once so I can get all the useful (and not-so-useful) things off the hard drive. And if I can't, I'll just have to spend some money getting an expert to do it for me.

The death of my PC has been about the only noteworthy incident of the last fortnight, to be honest. I could mention the football season, but I'll only end up ranting about Crewe's inconsistent form. I've still got the photos from the Nantwich Transport festival on my camera, so once I find the driver disc to set up my PC so it recognises the camera, I'll upload those. I've got a few days off from work coming up, so hopefully I'll have time to do that. Well, I should do - I was planning a little seaside break but that went out of the window when I bent my credit card buying my new PC.

Go on, stick your oar in:

Sunday 17th August

Stop. Drop. And Roll.

Apologies for the lack of updates but I was busy and then I spent time recovering from being busy. It's been a little over two weeks since I went to the Nantwich Show and International Cheese Festival. It seems like it was ages ago and in web terms it probably was. Anyway, having moved back to Nantwich a few years ago, I now try to keep the last Wednesday of July free in my diary for the Show. Not because I'm particularly fond of agriculture or a cheese lover, but because it usually makes a good day out - there's a fine mix of traditional countryside pursuits on display, there are plenty of tat and junk food stalls to keep the kids amused and there are usually a couple of good attractions in the main arena. Plus there's more cheese on display in one place than you could possibly imagine. This year was no exception on the cheese front with a record of over 2,600 entries in the cheese classes. From a small sideshow to the main agricultural show, the cheese festival has grown to be arguably the countries largest, and now attracts international cheeses to the competitive classes. You are no one in the cheese world if you haven't exhibited at Nantwich...

Anyway, after last year's cancellation of the agricultural show due to the excessive rainfall, it was somewhat troubling to wake on the day of the show to grey skies and persistent drizzle. Fortunately, the wind blew the rain away by about 10.30 and so at 11, with my two nephews in tow, I set off for the show, via town to stock up on drinks and stuff. Now, that was a wise move - if only I'd been able to stock up on burgers and ice cream too... Anyway we got up to the show around 11.45 and after parting with a substantial wedge of cash (must remember to buy tickets in advance next year) we were in. First stop was the programme seller for a show guide and a map. Establishing that we were going to miss the falconry display (damn!), we headed up to the Cheese marquee for a first look at the cheeses. After pottering around there for a bit we went to the main arena in preparation for the UK Freestyle MX Team. Unfortunately, due to the over-running of the horse competitions, we were stood in our spot for about an hour, during which time we missed out on opportunities to see the glass-blowing demonstration or have a look at the livestock arenas. (I did however have plenty of opportunity to spend a fortune feeding two bored kids...) Worse still, when the stunt bikers did come out, I realised I'd seen them (or someone very like them) before. So I was rather under-whelmed by their act. I think the kids enjoyed them though. Moving on from the arena, we took in the Mornflake Pavilion, which was the commercial end of the show - packed with various stalls flogging all kinds of produce. The kids loved the chocolate fountain stall and I reckon would have spent all their money there if I'd let them. I was more interested in the real ales myself. From there we had time for a leisurely stroll round the Arts and Crafts marquee before it was back to the main arena to witness the world's least daring stuntman and escapologist, Mark Stannage, and his family.

Now I love a good stunt as much as the next person, but in order for a stunt to succeed you have to convince the audience that there's an element of danger. An "Exploding box" which doesn't actually explode is a bit of a let-down even if said box is 60ft in the air at the time, but then I guess we wouldn't have hung around to see the "Bottom falling off a box" escape challenge... Likewise, the straitjacket escape hanging upside-down from a burning rope promised much but in the end it became clear that Hell was more likely to freeze over than for any of the supporting ropes to burn through so the frisson of danger soon dissipated. I don't think things were helped by the fact that the MC for the show was Mark's wife and I'm sure she's lovely and all that, but she's not a natural show-woman. Plus the incidental stuff to the two set-piece stunts was a little dull - the Fire Run (in a burning jacket) took place in the opposite corner of the arena, thus depriving about two-thirds of us a decent view, and the kid on the bike was impressive if he really is only 13, but frankly, he's been eating long chips for a lad of that age. Sadly, due to constraints of time we were unable to hang around for Mark Stannage's second performance when we might have been impressed by the Fiery Dive of Death, he was promising to perform.

From the main arena, with time ticking away, it was back to the Cheese tent with Will for a last look at some cheese and to attempt to grab some cheese for Dan (who had nicked off a bit earlier). We also still had time for an ice cream and a visit to the sweetshop before wending our way home, some six hours after we'd entered the showground. We didn't get to see any of the livestock this year, except for a close encounter with some bulls entering the main arena, which almost became an even closer encounter when they got involved in a cattle jam and one or two of them got a bit aggressive. I've never seen so many people move back so quickly as when a good tonne or more of aggrieved bull started swinging round to "have words" with the bull that had just hit him in the rear! Apart from that we missed out the falconry display, the glass-blowing demonstration s and one or two other things we ought to have got round to. I'm sure Dan would have liked a go on the climbing wall, for example, but by the time we found it, he was ready to go home. Anyway, I did take a fair few photos of the day, the best of which are available in my Nantwich Show photoset on Flickr. Enjoy.

After the excitement of the Nantwich Show, I had a long weekend holiday, taking a relaxing break in Bridlington with my old mate, Kev. Lucky old Kev has just changed his job and is about to become a Senior Logistics Consultant at the Grimsby Institute or something like that. So, as he had some time to take off, and I needed a break, we fixed up a trip to the coast. We had originally planned to go camping but there were no vacancies at the nearby camp sites, so we had to rough it in a B&B for a couple of nights. We travelled up on Friday afternoon, meeting up at Doncaster station at lunchtime. In contrast to my usual luck with trains, I had no problems on my journey, so having set off an hour early, I had an hour to kill on Donny station. I spent the time having breakfast and checking out the trains to Bridlington. When Kev arrived, he grabbed a sandwich and we found the right platform for our train. The journey to Bridlington was uneventful, except for the fact that the train went in to Hull and then back out, which was a bit puzzling. And also slightly annoying - we could have met at Hull as easily as Doncaster and it wouldn't have made much difference to either of our journey times. Still, we didn't know that. We got in the holiday mood by cracking open a beer or two and I gave Kev his copy of the list of pubs in Bridlington that I'd got off t'internet. The plan was to try to get round to as many of the 42 pubs on the list over the course of the weekend.

Arriving at Bridlington we noticed almost immediately that the station buffet, almost obscured by floral displays, wasn't on our list. After a brief photo opportunity, we gave it a miss anyway, and headed into town. Having by-passed The Cricketers because Kev didn't fancy the look of it, our first stop was The Half Moon. That was a much better choice. Not. If I was writing an idealised, romantic view of the trip I'd describe the clientele as the unfortunate, down-trodden, forgotten, senior citizens of the town. But I'm not, so I'll describe them as nutters. Having ticked it off the list, we didn't stop for a second pint. We headed down to the sea front and a pub Kev knew would be alright - The Pavilion. Now that was really nice, except for the fact that it wasn't actually on our list. And also the toilets were closed. By the time we left, I was in desperate need of a wee, so we stopped for a third pint in The Casino further down the Promenade. That was a decent place, although empty. It wasn't on our list either but we later discovered it was part of The Forum which was on the list. Having had a pint, taken a picture and emptied bladders, we headed off to check into our B&B, The Avalon Hotel. Having had a beer at the hotel bar, there was time for a quick wash and brush-up before we headed back out on the town. First stop was the Prior John for some tea. Then we had a stroll down to the harbour to give our tea time to settle before attempting to carry on boozing. The next pub we visited was The George. This was a nice enough pub which has a view out over the harbour at the back. From there it was short stagger up the road to Jaz, which wasn't on our list. Turned out it used to be Bar 24, which was on the list. This was also the most expensive place we visited all weekend, with two triple gin and tonics coming in at little under a tenner. Yes, it serves us right for being a bit lightweight and going on the spirits but, even so, that's outrageous. Especially as they've got a board outside advertising "house triples £2.99 all day". Anyway, despite the fact that it wasn't much after 10pm, the day started catching up with us and we both nodded off, on separate occasions, so decided to call it a day. Kev at least had an excuse as he'd been out drinking till 3 in the morning, whereas I'd just gone to bed a bit late. Anyway, we headed off to the chippy before returning to the hotel for a nightcap and off to bed, hoping to hit a few more pubs on Saturday.

Saturday morning we were up for breakfast at 9 and after forcing a reasonable fried brekkie down us, it was off and out for the day's adventures. We were both feeling a bit rough, so took a stroll down the promenade in the hope that the sea air would help clear our heads. It did alright, I think, although we should have picked up a bottle of Lucozade or two a bit earlier than we did. Having gone through the sea front amusements we ended up heading past the harbour and towards one of the other targets on our list. Unfortunately, the Bridlington Spa Catering didn't look open for customers and neither did any of the pubs that we came across in the vicinity, except for the Yorkie's Bar (for Yorkshire folk) but I couldn't go in due to being Lancastrian. In the end we found The Hilderthorpe was open and settled in there to read the papers and make use of their facilities. Our hoped-for peaceful Saturday pint was interupted by the arrival of a stag party, who were a bit loud AND sat on the table behind us. We would have moved on but the weather turned and there was a heavy shower going on. So we were forced to have another pint. When the rain stopped we supped up and moved on. On our way to the next pub, we were treated to the funniest sight of the weekend when an older gentleman walking along the road tripped on a kerb, stumbled in comedy style and then slowly went down. As he got to pavement level, he rolled to minimise impact and rolled straight into a puddle. We did stop to check he was alright and helped him up but, to be honest, we were laughing about it for the next five hours. Next pub up was The Albion. A traditional pub kitted out with wood pannelling. It was also home to a parrot and had home videos of some sea salvage operations playing on the large screen at the other end of the bar. One operation sailed out of Grimsby, which we recognised, but once you've seen one condenser hauled up from a wreck, you've seen them all, I reckon. From the Albion it was on to The Coachman. We were the only customers, so took full advantage by settling into the back bar and shooting a few games of pool (I won 3-1, for the record). Once some more people came into the pub, we moved on. After a brief stop in a music shop for Kev to buy a cheap harmonica and for me to buy a couple of plectrums (plectra, perhaps?) we made it into The Station. There Kev had the first short of the day - a G&T, adorned with a lovely paper umbrella. After a quick toot on the old harmonica (and no, that's not a euphemism) we moved on, arriving at The Cricketers a mere 24 hours after we should have first visited it. In common with the previous two pubs, this one is slightly off the tourist route so was not too busy. It was even less busy once Kev got his harmonica out! After emptying that pub we made our way to The Kings Arms. Another of Bridlington's decent boozers, this one has boxing memorabilia on the walls, including a pair of Joe Frazier's shorts. From there, my memory gets a bit confused. I know we went back to base and got changed (the camera never lies) but then the order of pubs we visited doesn't seem right. We definitely went to the Masala for tea and then to the New Inn, but somewhere along the way we fitted in Libertys, The Harbinger (of Doom) and the Beaconsfield Arms before staggering off in search of the Hook and Parrott, which turned out to be shut. So we ended up in The Pavilion again. Transformed from the family pub of daytime to a lively disco-pub, with go-go dancers, we decided to stop there for a while. And there we stopped till late on, when we staggered by home at about two in the morning. Still, not that many pubs knocked off the list, but there wwas still Sunday morning...

Sunday morning was lovely and bright and the weather looked good. Which was more than I could say for me and Kev. I felt like tackling breakfast but Kev wasn't up to it. So we skipped it. Checking out of the hotel we set off for a stroll to the Old Town. Kev confused me by setting out in what seemed to be the wrong direction. Still, he claimed to know where he was going and, to be fair, we did get there in the end. Can't say I was too impressed though - once we got there everything except the paper shop was shut. There was about half a dozen of the pubs on our list there, but not a single one showed signs of life. Having had a rest and bought a drink, we headed back down to the harbour. By this time I was feeling rather peckish and had a slight headache, so wasn't in the best of moods. A mood not improved any when I realised that all the pubs down the harbour end of town were shut too. We grabbed something to eat down by the harbour and I sat there sulking for a bit. After I'd cheered up a bit we had a discussion about plans for the day and decided to head off homewards. We got the train from Brid station just before 12 and arrived at Doncaster an hour and a half later, to find that Kev would have to wait another hour for his connection. I could have legged it then, but decided to hang around and have a pint on Donny station with Kev. Well, the customer service in the Pumpkin buffet on Platform 3a left somethng to be desired. We stood by the bar (next to a man who had obviously been there a bit longer) but the woman serving behind the counter resolutely ignored us. Mind you, the bloke we were stood next to had started tapping on the bar to attract attention and frankly, I would have ignored him for that. When he finally spoke up, apparently, we weren't "in the queue" so she couldn't see us, let alone serve us. Quite how anyone was meant to detect that we had to queue at the food counter to get served in the bar area without using their psychic powers is beyond me. A sign on the bar, or even a quiet word to customers who made the mistake of queueing at the bar, might have been useful. Anyway, we finally got a beer, and then had a toastie, washed down with another beer before we parted company.

All in all, a decent weekend. With hindsight, we should have tackled the old town on Saturday afternoon and I should have packed less gear, but those are minor quibbles. Bridlington is a lovely little town with plenty of decent bars for those who like that sort of thing and plenty of things for kids to do for those with families. I certainly wouldn't mind going again. Oh, and for those of you who haven't seen it, there's a photographic record of most of ou trip in my Bridlington photoset on flickr. Enjoy.

After my relaxing holiday, I spent the next week feeeling absolutely knackered. A feeling not helped by seeing Nantwich Town lose tamely in a pre-season friendly with FC United of Manchester on the Friday night and then Crewe Alexandra lose tamely at home to Brighton on the opening Saturday of the season. Still, my spirits were lifted by a trip round the Nantwich Transport Festival on the Sunday afternoon. I took loads of photos, but I still haven't got round to sorting them out a week after the event, so you'll have to wait a few more days to see those. They'll be on my flickr site soon as they're ready. Honest.

Go on, stick your oar in:

Monday 21st July

She is the body electric

Well, I was wrong about having a massive hangover yesterday, instead I was just extremely tired. Once I got up, around lunchtime, I spent most of the day dozing on the sofa whilst watching the German Grand Prix and the Open Golf championship - two sports which are perfect for dozing in front of. Then I uploaded my photos from Saturday night's excursion, more of which later.

On Friday I met up with some ex-colleagues from MDS, and assorted others, for a train-based pub crawl. The route and plan was fairly straightforward: depart from Birchwood and have roughly an hour at each of the following stops for drinkage - Stalybridge, Huddersfield, Dewsbury, Huddersfield (again), Marsden and Stalybridge (again). In stark contrast to the last time I went on one of these, the weather was a bit poor, but then we were inside for most of the time, so it didn't matter. First port of call was the excellent station bar at Stalybridge (obviously). The station bar has had a reputation for serving decent beer for as long as I can remember and I certainly spent a couple of evenings there missing trains back to Manchester back in the late 80s. If you ever have occasion to take a leisurely train ride via Stalybridge, it's worth getting off for a good pint of real ale. (Unless, of course, you can't stand the stuff. In which case, there's nothing to see here.) Anyway, at Stalybridge I learnt several things. One, Crones Cider is horrible. Two, there are five crystallized forms of chocolate and the fifth is the one that tastes best. Three, the rather strange cartoon Salad Fingers not only exists but is rather popular. (Having watched it I now understand the obsession with the perfect spoon.) Four, I ought to sign up to Facebook. And five, there's nothing more deflating than being out-geeked by a girl. I was all set to impress by telling everyone I'm currently working on documentation for a space engine, but that paled in comparison to the discussion of fourth-generation, energy-recovering, light accelerators. Anyway, from Stalybridge it was on to the Head of Steam on Huddersfield station. Another good pub with a fine selection of real ales. And thence to to the furthest point on our journey - the West Riding Refreshment Rooms on Dewsbury station. Not only did they provide a fine selection of ales but they also put on a splendid buffet for us intrepid travellers. Unfortunately I mis-calculated on the beer to food ratio and overdid it on the potato salad and bred-and-dripping that was on offer. As a result, I was feeling a little over-full as we departed back to Huddersfield. A feeling that didn't subside until I'd had a tactical chunder in the Huddersfield station bogs. It was a good move though because after about an hour I felt much better. So much so that by the time we got to the Riverhead Brewery in Marsden I was getting beers in outside of the round. I also got into a heated discussion with a couple of fellow travellers about the location of the bar, which I insisted had not been moved since our last visit. Turns out I was wrong (shocker!) and the bar had been on the other side of the pub last time we did the Rail Ale Trail. Sorry, Carolyn, I should never have doubted you! After a good hour or so in Marsden it was back up the hill to the station and on to the last stop, back where the fun started, Stalybridge. I was feeling OK, the beer was flowing and the company was good. So it was with some regret that we boarded the train back to Warrington. As time was ticking on I knew I'd be cutting it fine if I went on to Warrington for a pint before getting the last train to Crewe, so I jumped off at Manchester (along with a few others) where I had time for another pint in the station bar and to spend far too much money on a couple of burgers and some onion rings. Then it was on to the train to Crewe, which fortunately only goes as far as Crewe, so I could have a kip. Once I got to Crewe I didn't have too long to wait to get the last train back to Nantwich, so I was back home well before midnight. As a double bonus I woke up on Saturday with no hangover. True, I did feel a bit knackered and incredibly thirsty but I could certainly live with that. Especially as there was drinking on the agenda for Saturday night too. Result. Top day out. Good company, good times, good beer, what more do you need?

So, Saturday and it was off to Mexborough Civic for Disarm's album launch party. The guys have a fantastic album out - 'By Any Means Necessary' on Imprint Records, check it out - and rightly it deserved a party to celebrate it's release. But not only did they lay on a party, they also provided the entertainment and persuaded Kitty Hudson to give us a twirl too. I took my camera and you can see the photos from the evening in my Disarm Party photoset on Flickr. If anyone wants to make use of any of those then at least do me the courtesy of asking permission first, please. Jamie and Brad kicked the evening off with some acoustic numbers, followed by a solo acoustic set from Richard of Kitty Hudson. After a break for some food, Kitty Hudson treated us to a full band set and Disarm closed out the night with a full set. It was a very enjoyable night all round - the bands were all good and the atmosphere was great. I wish Disarm all the success in the world with the album - they deserve it.

And of course, if they do make it big I intend to cash in with all the mp3's of their early stuff that I've got lying around. After five years (yes, I first saw them in July 2003, check out my archive) of championing their cause to the dedicated thirty or so people who follow this site, then I'm entitled to something, surely? Disarm - the Wilderness Years, coming soon to ebay. It's a forgotten classic already.

I'm just joking about the cash-in. 'The wilderness Years'? What a rubbish title! I'll have to come up with something much better... Anyway, one thing I won't joke about is a big thank you to Disarm and PapaKev for putting on a good party and making me feel welcome. And and even bigger thanks to my sister Liz, who, having been let down by her parents on the child-minding front, opted to drive over to Mexborough and back on Saturday night rather than miss the gig. I especially appreciated this as it saved me the train fare and a night in a hotel. It's a fair old trek from Nantwich to Mexborough and back and unlike me and Dan, Liz didn't have the luxury of having a kip on the way back. You're a star, Liz. Absolute star. Mind you, I might not be calling her that next week when I get to play childminder while she and Roger have a weekend away...

Right, that's yer lot for now. I've got to go and find my bank card so I can get some money out of my savings account to pay for my Crewe Alexandra season ticket and my dirty weekend away in Bridlington.

Go on, stick your oar in:

Sunday 13th July

Digging In

There are times when I think that, having bought a decent digital camera, I ought to get out and take more pictures than I do. And then there are times when I realise that I haven't uploaded the pictures I took last week, so there's not point in taking more pictures till I've got them sorted. And sorted them I have. So you can now pop along and have a look at my pictures from the Wrenbury Scarecrow Trail. It's an annual event in aid of Wrenbury School and the villagers all pitch in. Over three weekends you can go along to the village, buy a guide and walk round the trail, spotting the scarecrows and vote for your favourite. There's also a car boot sale and the school fayre on during the middle weekend. We had a wander around the central village bit then drove out to Wrenbury Heath to see the scarecrows there. We didn't sadly get as far as Aston for the scarecrows there, so if you want more information pop along to the Offical Scarecrow Trail site. As well as seeing the scarecrows we also saw the ancient lifting bridge in action. Not once but a couple of times. I filmed it in action but need to work out how to rotate the film before I can upload it. Oh and add a soundtrack, of course.

Having worked through the Carry Ons, anyone still interested in checking out my reviews, and pointing out any inconsistencies or spelling mistakes, can now check out my CarryOnathon page via the link added on the left. I've re-ordered the reviews in to film release order so it makes a bit more coherent reading. I won't necessarily be checking the page very often though, so if you want to make a comment it's probably best to e-mail me.

I did mention in my last update that I'd been challenged to name my top ten movies and that I thought I'd done that before. Well, I sort of did way back in February 2004, (check through the archives if you're really interested) when I named my ten favourite films of the time. Of the ten I named then, I reckon four would probably make it in to my all-time top ten of all time. I've still not settled on a definitive list though, so you'll have to wait a while longer for that. (Ooh, I'm such a tease!)

And that's it for this update. Still not decided which DVD boxset I'll be reviewing next, I'm afraid. Not much else to tell either - I've got a few things lined up next week though, which should make interesting reading on here at some point. I'm off for a railway-based pub crawl with some ex-colleagues on Friday. And then on Saturday I'll be at Disarm's album launch party. I reckon I'll have a cracking hangover by Sunday...

Go on, stick your oar in:

Wednesday 9th July

Carry On Commentary

So, I've had a week's rest, some decent nights of sleep and a chance to reflect on the CarryOn-athon. so, here are some of the questions I've been asked during the course of the last month or so.

WHY????

I've always had a soft spot for the Carry On films and my memories of them are mostly good. But I don't think I'd ever considered the series as a whole and my opinion of the series seemed to be based around a third of the films. I needed to to check them out and see how my opinion might change. Plus, I wasn't that interested in Euro 2008 amd June has thirty days, coincidentally the exact number of films that I had to watch, so I put two and two together and came up with a stupid idea.

Which is your favourite Carry On?

Screaming. Next question

Did you really watch all of them?

I cannot tell a lie and so I have to admit that I did watch them all but not necessarily on the day I reviewed them. I managed to sneak in a couple extra during the second weekend and so was almost always ahead of myself. I wrote up reviews after I'd watched the film but didn't post them until the relevant day, which is how I managed to go to the annual Lawrence family gathering and watch-slash-review 'That's Carry On'. I ought to point out though, that not only did I watch the films but I also checked out the extras on the DVDs too. On most of them this stretched as far as some trivia information, publicity stills, the cinematic trailer and audio commentary from some minor stars. On the later ones the extras also included episodes from the Carry On Laughing TV series. If you thought England and Emmannuelle were bad, you should see some of these. Clearly all shot in a studio for a cost of about three quid, most of which must have been spent on drugs, because they clearly didn't spend anything on sets, scripts or jokes. I think I found watchingv those dreadful TV shows more disheartening than the films...

Why didn't you include Carry On Columbus?

Apart from the fact that it's a sham of a mockery of a travesty of a farce? Two reasons - firstly, although it's recognised as a Carry On film, it isn't acknowledged as part of the classical canon. It is, in fact, the bastard offspring of the series. And the second reason for not reviewing it is that I don't actually have a copy of it on DVD or tape, and it's not currently available in the shops.

Is there a general rule of thumb that I can use to determine whether a Carry On is worth watching?

There's a couple of simple rules. Anything starring Jack Douglas is probably best avoided. The higher up the bill he is, the worse the film is. And then it depends on whether you find Babs Windsor attractive or not. It seems no coincidence to me that she isn't in most of the best ones. And let's not forget she only starred in nine of the films. Generally speaking, you can avoid the films with Babs in.

What's the best way of classifying the Carry Ons?

There is the obvious way of deciding which are the top ten, the bottom ten and whatever is left over, but that always leaves people arguing that such-and-such a film deserves to be higher in the list or that the same film should be in another list. So I think that it is better to break them down into the Delights, the Decent, the Distractions, the Disappointments and the Dross. The Delights are those films that you must watch, the Decent are those that are worth checking out, the Distractions are those that are best saved for a wet weekend, the Disappointments are those you should watch with low expectations, and the Dross are, of course, those that you should never watch. There's always the question of personal taste of course, but having trawled through the lot I think I can offer the following table with some authority.

And if you don't agree with me, well, tough. You will respect mah authoritah!

What are you doing next?

Well, I'm not sure, but whatever it is won't involve watching and reviewing a film a day for a month. That was just madness. I do, however, have some other box sets I could work through. I've got two Horror box sets with 20 films each and a Comedy boxset, also with 20 films in it. These, I think, I've mentioned before. I picked them up cheap at a discount store and each contains a mix of stuff - some classic, some foreign, some you've never heard of. I've also got the Comic Strip Presents... box set, which has all 39 episodes in. I could do that as a side project, I think - one a week, on a separate page. That might work. My brother, Mark, also suggested I name my top ten films. I think I might have done that before so will trawl back through the site to find out. I'll see. As soon as I've decided, I'll let you know.

Go on, stick your oar in: