Ostapazuzalum, that was the magic word

Saturday 5th June

Borag Thungg, Earthlets. It's been a while. at least this time I have a reasonable excuse. The untimely death of me mother kind of put a stop to most thoughts of fun and jollity, and even to updating this crappy website. Of course, death is inevitable - along with taxis it was one of Benjamin Franklin's two certainties (Mind, the cab companies of the 1700s must have been much more reliable than their modern counterparts because it's been my experience that there's no certainty about when a taxi may arrive...) - but it's never welcome and in this case was slightly unexpected as me mum had been making a decent recovery. Unfortunately, she had a setback, then stopped eating and finally caught pneumonia, which finished her off. I was with her at the end and she didn't seem to be in any pain, just slowly slipped away, which is how it happens with pneumonia. Have to say, I was a bit all over the place post-death but have been a bit more together since the funeral. Not that I've ever really been that together, obviously....

Anyway, amongst the more depressing stuff, there's also been some slightly less depressing stuff. Mostly watching my little smashers, Crewe Alexandra, who rounded off three seasons of disappointing under-performance by finishing in their lowest league position in almost 30 years. The season as a whole was one of consistent inconsistency. Having ditched Gudjon Thordarson after 10 league games, the board turned back to Dario to bring some stability to the ship. Which, to be fair, he did up to the turn of the year. Then, a disastrous team selection for a game at local rivals Macclesfield, knocked their confidence and thereafter the only thing consistent about the Alex was their inconsistency. Matters weren't helped by leading goal scorer, Calvin Zola, having a few weeks off, Byron Moore missing the last third of the season and Bailey and Schumacher bothing having spells on the sidelines, but then Crewe demonstrated their ability to shoot themselves in the foot by collapsing spectacularly at Morecambe on Good Friday. From 3-1 up and with Morecambe down to ten men, Crewe missed a penalty and slowly crumbled. They conceded a second goal three minutes from time and then two more in injury time to lose a game that they had been in control of at the 70 minute mark. That pretty much put the final nail in the coffin of the season and apart from a win at fierce rivals Port Vale and a thrashing of Accrington Stanley, there wasn't much else worth talking about. We finally finished 18th, which is the lowest finish we've ever managed under Dario. Although the football has been disappointing, there have been positives to take from the season. Our strikers have started to show signs of improvement, with Zola, Donaldson and Grant all notching double figures. Ashley Westwood and Matt Tootle have emerged from the background to become integral parts of the first team in their debut seasons. And Harry Davis made himself a regular on the bench despite still being part of the Academy. If, and it's a big IF, Dario can find us a decent centre half and a left back, we should be in good shape for a better challenge next season. That's what I hope anyway.

Haven't been out to watch much live music in the last couple of months, to be honest. Mostly due to depression, obviously, but also due to the fact that I seem to be a bit short of cash. hopefully that'll be sorted sooon, but more of that later. Anyway, the one gig I have attended was The Fall at Keele University. The gig was in support of their sparkling new album "Your Future, Our Clutter". Can't remember the name of the support band, unfortunately, but they were entertaingly diverting. And then The Fall hit the stage. You can never be sure what you're going to get but that night, they were brilliant. MES stalked the stage, apparently indifferent, constantly chewing, occasionally referring to lyric sheets and generally fiddling with onstage equipment. The band were rock solid and largely indulged MES' amp fiddling with grace and good humour. MES' apparent indifference thawed during 'Chino' when there was a brief attempt at stage diving from some of the younger, more enthusiastic members of the audience. From then on the gig went up a notch. MES lasted the whole set, extended 'I've Been Duped' with some keyboard fiddling and gave us a pumped-up encore of 'Sparta FC'. Top notch and thoroughly recommended.

It occurred to me, re-reading my last posts, that I haven't bored you with a list of the cheap-slash-rubbish DVDs that I've purchased in the last few months. I did say I was trying to avoid buying stuff but I just cannot help myself...

• Trumptonshire Boxset - every episode of Chigley, Trumpton and Camberwick Green in one handy box set. As attractive as that sounded when I bought it, I must admit I haven't got round to watching any of them yet.
• District 9 - quality apartheid analogy featuring insect-like aliens who, having crashed on Earth, can't get away. When the authorities decide to forcibly relocate them from their settlement, one man uncovers a secret that has far-reaching consequences for him and the aliens. Strangely moving.
• The Host - a strange mish-mash from South Korea. A mix of monster movie, horror story and thriller. A mutant beast from the sewer goes on the rampage and when one of it's victims turns out to still be alive, her family try to rescue her, despite the best efforts of the authorities.
• Dr Terrible's House of Horrible - Steve Coogan's delicious skewering of the worst excesses of the old Hammer House of Horror TV series of the 70s/80s. Six Hammer-style stories, each book-ended by a few words from Dr Terrible. Not a success when originally aired but worth seeking out if you can get it cheap, like I did.
• Planet Of The Apes Boxset - All the Apes movies you could wish for - Planet, Beneath, Escape From, Conquest Of and Battle For. Features plenty of appearances by Roddy McDowell (father of Andi, fact fans) who either had a monkey suit fetish or strangely never had any other work when the Apes guys came calling...
• Moon - much heralded feature directed by Duncan 'Son of Bowie' Jones. Features Sam Rockwell as a lonely worker of the dark side of the moon. Looking forward to going home at the end of his three year tour of duty, he has an accident that changes everything. Turns out he's not alone after all... If you haven't seen it, this is worth checking out.
• FM - the blurb "all six episodes the hilarious ITV2 comedy" on the back cover should really have told me what to expect. It's The IT Crowd, set in a radio staion with Chris O'Dowd playing the same character and boss Jen being replaced by boss Jane. The only difference is that the sidekick is now a bit of a stud and has a glamorous past, rather than being a total nerd. Oh, and that there notably fewer laughs in each episode of FM...
• Drag Me To Hell - Sam Raimi's horror flick, which is actually quite effective. It's a pity though, that you can spot the twist coming a mile off.
• Saw VI - the law of diminishing returns begins to strike the Saw franchise as I find myself not giving a toss about the set up, blase about the victims and ultimately irritated by the constant shoehorning in of flashbacks to connect the latest killer back to Jigsaw.
• Early Doors Series 1 & 2 - not a purchase but a gift from a top man. Proper character-based humour from Craig Cash and Phil Mealey. Set entirely in a pub in the Manchester area and featuring the regulars, staff and a couple of dodgy policemen. Doesn't rely on easy slapstick or clever wordplay and contains such warmth that only the hardest of hearts could fail to be moved by it.
• Black Snake Moan - Samuel L Jackson definitely not ordering a black snake on his muthafuckin' moan. Here, he's a blues guitarist who scrapes the local bike off the road and helps her break her drug habit and find herself again by chaining her to a radiator... We've all done it, surely?
• In Bruges - Brendan Gleeson and Colin Farrell as hitment holing up in Bruges after a botched job. Colin's not the touristy type, so he's not having a lot of fun. Brendan is the touristy type but his fun is spoiled by learning that he'll have to bump off Colin at some point. Colin starts having fun when he meets a lady (and, along the way, a racist dwarf) but Brendan's fun is severely curtailed when the boss show up to do the job himself. It all ends badly.

A couple of weekends ago my sister Liz and her hubby took part in the Weaver Wander. It's an annual event run by the Rotary Club which consists of a 100 mile round trip for classic and sports cars and also a static display of the same on the local park. Some people do just the Wander, some do just the display and some crazy foo's do both. Last year my sister took part in the static display and this year they did the Wander and the display. With the Wander starting from Nantwich town square, I saw it as the perfect opportunity to get my camera out and snap away. As a result there's about a 100 or so photos in this Weaver Wander photoset on flickr. Enjoy.

In work-related news, you'll no doubt be delighted to know that the Free Fridays are no more. And you'll doubtless to be unsurprised to learn that I managed to do precisely none of the things I imagined I do on my spare day. (Apart from the long lie-ins and slobbing around - I did plenty of that!) And that's disappointing, on the other hand, I'll be quite glad to have that missing 20% of my salary back. It'll mean I can afford to go out more than once a month AND should have money enough to buy important stuff - booze, my Crewe season ticket, them cheap and nasty DVDs that I've been missing out on... Although, obviously I should take care not to go mad come payday. As for the loss of the free day, well, now that the footy season is over, I've got Saturdays and Sundays mostly free till the beginning of August. And there's always the evenings to do stuff in, of course, and that's a lot more viable now that summer is here and I don't need to wear three jumpers, a pair of gloves and a woolly hat to keep warm in my house.... The only real drawback to the end of Free Fridays, apart from the end of the long lie-in obviously, is that I'll have to re-think all my holidays AND book a day off for this year's MDS Rail Ale Trail. Mind, I've not got many other days off booked, or indeed planned, between now and the end of the summer, so I'll probably hold on till the footy fixtures come out and then start booking days off around Crewe's away trips. Yes, I know. I'm a sad man.

Go on, stick your oar in:

Yvonne Sheila Lawrence

08/02/39 - 23/04/10

A montage of pictures of my mum, who died recently. Rest in peace mum.

Go on, stick your oar in:

I am brave, I persevere

Monday 5th April 2010

Alongside my Things to Do List I had planned to have 'Friday film festival' - spending the day catching up with a number of my DVDs that I haven't got round to watching yet. Sadly, circumstances have been against me for the last few weeks so those DVDs remain unwatched. In the meantime, of course, I've managed to acquire a few more and have some more on the way so the backlog is building up. At this rate I might have to take some extra days off just to get through them all!

I have, though, made a start on my 'To Do' list. You'll be pleased to know that I got my old PCs out and tried to get them to boot up. No joy with either, I'm afraid although I haven't got a keyboard or mouse for the older one so that probably doesn't help. I had spent a few hours trying to find them, gave up thinking I could use the ones from my newer broken PC and then found I couldn't. Arse. Not that it really matters - there's nothing I want on the older PC so I'll be trying to re-use as much of that as I can to get the newer one working... Having had a good shufty on the Net, I'm now prepared to try swapping out the power supply units when I next get a spare few hours. So if this update doesn't get posted you'll know I electrocuted myself in the process... Mind, I'm not sure when I'll next have a few spare hours. My weekends all look full between now and mid-May and I've got a few other things to do on my free Fridays at the moment (Film Fest, Jazz Fest, Day at The Races, washing, ironing, sleeping...). That said, I have also made some tentative steps in the re-design of my website. I've got a proper front page in the making and have worked out what I want on the site itself. so I haven't been totally slacking off. Honest.

Oh, and I have taken some tentative steps towards getting a bit fitter. Not only am I popping the old pills (see previous entry) but the fitness referral from my doc has come through and I've got a whole range of options to choose form - sessions in the gym, swimming, Tai Chi - but the one that appealed to me most was the "Sit and Be Fit" classes. Yep, sitting in a chair and moving a bit, that suits me! Mind you, the way my blood pressure is soaring, despite the pills, I don't think they'll even let me do that at the moment...

Talking of a day at the races, I'm no gambling man but, in preparation for the forthcoming works outing to Uttoxeter races, I followed the form at the Cheltenham Gold Cup and tipped a few horses. I only started on the second day and I didn't go as far as actually putting money on them. (I firmly believe you should only gamble with money you can afford to lose, and I can't afford to lose any at the moment.) Which was just as well because I would have been a fair few quids poorer by the end of the week. I didn't pick a single winner, managing only four placings out of the 22 horses I tipped. Even in the Gold Cup, which was meant to be a two-horse race, I couldn't pick the winner. Mind, at least I tipped Denman, rather than Kauto Star, who fell. It wasn't a particularly encouraging start to my new sideline as a tipster, but then I wasn't alone in not picking the winners - only the bookmakers went home with more money than they started with. (No change there!) Even so, I'll not be giving up the day job just yet.

Anybody who has been checking me out on Facebook will also know that me ma has given us all a bit of a scare recently. She ended up in hospital with what turned out to be fractured vertebrae. That's bad enough but, given the state she was in when she was admitted we were fearing the worst. As were the medical staff who put her through a whole heap of tests. She's on the mend now, although still in the hospital while they feed her up and get her back sorted. I have been over to see her a couple of times (a round trip of some 210 miles or so, fact fans) and, to be honest, it has been the first time in a while when I've regretted not being able to drive. Not because I've any great desire to see me mother, of course, but because I could have done some driving and saved my sister from having to do it all. Not that she'd have thanked me - IF I could drive I'd probably have a knackered old Land Rover or something equally uncomfortable!

Anyway, in order to take my mind off my poorly ma, I went to The Box last Friday night to see The Lockdown make a return to Crewe for a rare gig. They were ably supported by several assemblages of young things. There was one lot just finishing as we arrived, but I didn't hear enough of them to form an opinion. Can't remember who they were either, but I think they were All Is Falling. They were followed by another female-fronted band in Angel Range, who showed promise. They were pretty good, in fact. Then there was the quirky, slightly different Swim Into Scarlet, who have already come to the attention of the BBC. They started things off with an instrumental track, which I think is a neat idea - it confounds the expectations. They then gave us an interesting set, full of old skool indie riffing (notes of early Orange Juice) with some of the doom-laden angst you expect from teenagers. Nothing I saw changed my opinion from last time, that they could develop into something special. Last up, of course, were headliners The Lockdown, who sounded pretty good despite having only had one rehearsal. (Mind they have played these songs a few times - they ought to be able to do them in their sleep!) I may, of course, be slightly biased, but I did (once again) find myself wondering why these guys hadn't decided to give it a go full-time? They've certainly got the tunes and a year or so of hard gigging round the country, getting their faces and songs in front of more critical audiences, would do them the world of good.

And finally Jazz Fest. Or, as it's properly known, The Nantwich Jazz & Blues Music Festival. This year's event was the 14th and once again, seems to have been a big success, so far. I didn't get to see The Blockheads on the Friday night as I chose to go to Morecambe to watch Crewe (and the less said about that the better!). I didn't get out to see any of the bands on Saturday either, but joined the Easter Sunday throng for the traditional twenty minutes of queueing at the bars and toilets and occasionally seeing a live band. I did actually want to get to the White Horse to see the Salt City Jazzmen, who are still a fine trad-jazz act, but my companions refused to go, so I managed to get through the day without seeing any Jazz at all. In fact, all I saw were the rock covers band Mutha Humbucker, the acoustic warblings of Silken and my ex-colleague's blues band, Steamy Windows. It was a good day out, although considering I started at 1pm, the fact I was still awake and standing at 10.30 was something of a minor miracle. There are some more acts on today but I won't be seeing them as I'm off to watch my little smashers, Crewe, again, despite Friday's result.

Go on, stick your oar in:

...but at least my thyroid function tests were normal...

Saturday 27th February

Having had a few Free Fridays now, I ought to have done a bit more than a few web updates. Admittedly, the web updates did need doing, but I've not yet got round to doing any of the other things I thought I'd get round to doing. So I've made a little list, let none of them are missed. Now all I've got to do is make a list of places that I could have put that list, so I can find it and remind myself of the stupid things I said I'd do... No, not really. I was kind of hesitant about sharing the list though, if only because you chaps will keep reminding me about the things that I haven't done. (I seem to remember saying I was going to learn to drive a couple of years back, for example. Road users will be relieved to know that I haven't managed it...) Anyway, here it is - Jim's To Do List for 2010 or beyond...

• Win the Lottery Jackpot - Hey, who doesn't want to be rich? Well, to be honest, I don't really want a huge pile of cash. Enough to buy my own house would do me. Wait a minute, who am I kidding? Of course I want a huge pile of cash. I want to be rich, RICH, RICH!
• Record my music - obviously I'd actually like to win enough on the lottery to buy my own house and build a studio, but I've got enough gear now to get on with this anyway.
• Lose a bit of weight/get fitter - don't really want to lose the bulk but do acknowledge that I'd be better off replacing some of the blubber with a bit of muscle (see below). Not really considered how I'm going to do this but, given that I've got some free weights and a rowing machine, I do at least have some tools at my disposal. That said, last time I took the rowing machine out, it sank...
• Update website - it needs a bit of a re-design, I think and if I want to put my music stuff on it, it definitely needs switching about a bit. Need to get my Horror Film reviews section on the go too. I also need to ensure I come up with posts to keep the blog stuff going. I'm still likely to code it all by hand, so it'll take f-ing ages.
• Do more creative writing - not sure what, maybe some more terrible poetry or even some short stories. Or perhaps the long-awaited great comic novel.
• Update my CV - talking of creative writing... No plans to look for another job right at this moment but it pays to be prepared. It would be a straightforward job, not worth mentioning but the only electronic copies I know about are stuck on my broken PC. Luckily I found a couple of paper copies last night, so just have to go through the rigmarole of re-creating that in Word, and adding the details of my current job. Which I love and have no intention of leaving, obviously.
• Fix my broken PC - talking of broken PC... I think I can cobble together one working PC out of my two old ones, I just need to find the time and patience to give it a go. I also need to perfect my soldering skills (of which I have none) to repair the USB connector on my portable drive. I had a try before Christmas but it didn't go well - I actually had more succcess sticking it back together with Blu-Tack!
• Learn to drive - yeah, right!

Anyway, I swear my doctor is actually making me sicker. I went the other week and my blood pressure was high (160 over 110) and then later in the day I was struck down with vomiting and diarrhoea. I went back last week (having been sick all week) and my blood pressure was even higher (180 over 120, fact fans) and the results of my blood tests showed that I had high cholesterol levels and type 2 diabetes! The only good news was that my thyroid functions appeared normal and my liver function tests showed an improvement. (Probably because I don't drink anywhere near as much as I used to!) So I'm on ACE inhibitors for the blood pressure, statins for the cholesterol and can look forward to some prescribed exercise. Woo hoo!

I have to confess that I bought Mojo magazine last month. Normally, I avoid buying it as it seems to be aimed at middle-aged men still desperately believing the 1970s were the best decade ever. But they lured me in with a free CD of various artistes covering the songs on Syd Barrett's 'The Madcap Laughs' album, an article about said album, an article on the recording of Captain Beefheart's 'Safe As Milk' album and a feature on Dr Feelgood. And once again I found myself conned. The cover CD has three decent covers on it - REM and Robyn Hitchcock (separately) doing 'Dark Globe' and Marc Almond doing 'Late Night'. The rest, well, the rest don't add anything to the orginals. Which is kind of a surprise given the album was mostly Syd and his guitar. In fact, some of them are pretty awful - I'll quite happily pay to never have to hear The Besnard Lakes' version of 'Love You' ever again. Luckily the article about the genesis of the original Madcap Laughs album, including a bit about the cover art, was pretty interesting. And the article on Dr Feelgood was worth reading. The Beefheart one less so. It was basically an extract from John 'Drumbo' French's book, and he clearly has an axe to grind. Anyway, given that you can still get The Madcap Laughs for only £4.98 from Amazon, I recommend it as being better value than shelling out £4.50 for Mojo's pee-poor cover CD. Heck, even £4.50's worth of Mojos are better value!

Still on a music tip, I made a rare trip out to see old faves, Sgt Wolfbanger at The Box t'other night. I might not have gone along, to be honest, as the credit crunch is biting hard, but I scooped a few quid on the Lottery. Not the jackpot, of course, but four numbers and enough for a couple of nights out. (Hey, even dwarves started out small.) I think there were four bands on the bill but by the time Jules and I had stopped chatting in the pub (I say "chatting" but really it was just Jules letting off steam about Cheshire East councillors, The Alex, and other general stuff) it was a quarter after nine so we missed the first band on. Apologies to you, Proud Proud People, I'm sure you were excellent. The second band on, Swim Into Scarlet, were all about 15, looked about 12, and were actually pretty good. They gave us a bit of an old skool indie sound with nods to Wire, Gang of Four and the like. With a little more practice and a bit more adventure they could develop into something special. The third band The Fears had a stadium-friendly sound - all big guitars, pounding rhythm section and epic vocals. It sounded slightly out of place in the tight confines of The Box, but if you closed your eyes and imagined yourself in a field somewhere it sounded perfect. Finally, Wolfbanger closed the night with another solid set. They even surprised us by chucking in a couple of new numbers, which fitted in seamlessly. And all too soon it was over. Another top notch night out. Might find time (and cash) for another one soon!

Go on, stick your oar in:

Paris is in India???

Sunday 31st January 2010

Books, glorious books. Something and something for cooling the blood. Or maybe not. Have to admit that I haven't really spent much time reading for the last year or so. There was always something more interesting on the Internet to grab my attention... Even when I couldn't watch the television (aerial troubles, compounded by the digital switchover, you really don't want to know) I didn't read much, preferring to waste my time on the Interweb. Anyway, I've acquired a few books recently so have started to read again. Well, I say 'read' but, to be honest, some these haven't been read so much as dipped in and out of at various times.

• The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown - Yep, the latest blockbuster from Dan Brown. Not a book I would have chosen for myself, obviously, but I was given it as a present by a dear friend, so I couldn't well refuse it. That said it turns out not to be as badly writtren as I was expecting. Yes, some of the prose is clunky and some of the expositional stuff is crudely levered in, but it's not a bad yarn for all that. Brown at least knows that the crucial thing in a thriller is to get you from A to B without giving away too much. This races through at breakneck pace, with all the action taking place in the space of about twenty-four hours. The trouble is that even at that speed things don't add up - the Masonic conspiracy theory, the dubious science, the convenience of some of the plot twists and the apparent incompetence of the CIA, for example. It's an OK read, but I wouldn't recommend going out of your way to get a copy.
• Liberty in the Age of Terror by A.C. Grayling - a fascinating and, at times, unsettling assemblage of Grayling's writings on the subject of civil liberites, highlighting how the State has eroded our freedoms in the name of the War on Terror. More importantly, Grayling explains why these freedoms are important and why we should not take their erosion lightly. Compelling reading.
• Our Times by A. N. Wilson - I have to say that, however witty the author may be, it's hard to feel comfortable reading a book which blames immigration for the disintegration of British society in it's preface. It's a shame because some of the points Wilson makes are both valid and amusing but one can't help feeling slightly distrustful of the basic premise of the book. In the end it seems that, like Morrissey, Wilson is pining for a lost Britain that never existed.
• Crewe And Its People by Jules Hornbrook - A bit of local colour from me old mucker, and author of crewe blog, Jules. Here he gives a potted history of several Crewe people, some of whom are famous and some of whom are well-known locally and some of whom just have interesting stories to tell. Yes, it is a "local book for local people", but it's also a good book for dipping in and out of. A perfect Toilet Book, in fact, if that's not too much information.
• American Flagg Vols 1 & 2 by Howard Chaykin - only books in the sense that they're compilations of Mr Chaykin's American Flagg comic books. Strange how time alters your perceptions. I thought these were a bit racy when I were a lad, now they seem a bit sad. 'Tis a simple tale of one lone man standing up against injustice. Standing up against injustice whilst also being irresistible to women... Clearly aimed at the adolescent me, rather than the mature (yeah, right) me.
• The Fallen by Dave Simpson - Journalist and uber-fan Simpson attempts to track down almost everybody who has ever played in The Fall. Given leader Mark E Smith's tendency to fall in and out with people fairly regularly, and the fact that some of those people haven't been heard of in twenty-plus years, it's a monumental task. In the end, Simpson doesn't quite manage to track down all 43 (at the time) ex-members of The Fall, but his travails in doing so make fascinating reading. If you've ever had any interest in The Fall, you should buy this book, although I'm sure MES would prefer you bought their latest album...
• Up Till Now by William Shatner - The Kirkster gives us a run-through of his life so far. And his co-author does us the favour of allowing Shatner to tell it in his own inimitable style. (Although it's probably best not to try to imagine Kirk reading it aloud - it might take too long with all those dramatic pauses!) To be fair, although Bill plays it coy when it comes to naming the leading ladies he's had dalliances with, he doesn't spare us the details of his failed marriages or the tragic death of his second wife, Nerine. Whether you enjoy this will, I guess, come down to how you feel about Shatner. I quite like him - he's demonstrated a rare ability to laugh at himself in later life - and think the book's a good read.
• Creeping Flesh - The Horror Fantasy Film Book Vol 1 - Another of the free books I received at Christmas. It's a labour-of-love guide to some of the forgotten delights of televisual and film horror. Covers such curios as the BBC's Ghost Story for Christmas series, Peter Cook and Dudley Moore's ill-fated Hound of the Baskervilles film and Times-Square-schlock-film fanzine Sleazoid Express. It's another good book for dipping in and out of. (Yes, a Toilet Book.) And yes, there is a Vol 2 available, apparently. Might have to look out for that.
• Headpress Guide to the Counter Culture - A harsh critic might say of this one "Hey, guys, if you want to get in to the alternative scene, these are the books/films/comics/albums you should have lying around at your flat to make you look really hip." I'm not a harsh critic. It's interesting and probably worth a flick through just to see how much of the material covered in here you can claim to have read/watched. It is, in fact another Toilet Book. That makes three on this list, so perhaps I ought to put a bookshelf up in the bathroom? Mind, I'd have to do something about the condensation and the damp in there, if I did that...

Well, that's it for now. I'm afraid my plan to avoid buying cheap DVDs went out of the window and I've got a few more to watch. But I'll save them for the next update - I've got to get round to watching them all at some point!

Go on, stick your oar in:

Yours sincerely, Albert Einstein

Friday 22nd January 2010

Who says the blog is dead? Well, obviously mine was until I got my day off... It's the third of my non-working Fridays (not counting New Years Day, obviously) and already I've done a second update for the website. That's as many as I managed in the last six months of last year! Not that I should be feeling proud of that because I haven't managed to do any of the other things I was thinking I could on my free day. Admittedly, some of my plans have not been helped by the recent cold weather. Most of my first free Friday was spent shivering under a duvet on the sofa, watching telly and trying to keep warm. It was so cold, fact fans, that pipes INSIDE my house froze. And whilst I've become used to the condensation freezing on the inside of my windows during the winter (especially the North-facing ones) I wasn't expecting the deep coating of frost on the inside of my bathroom window which I hope you can see in this lovely photo.

And, before you say it, I do know that it gets cold in the winter, thank you. But this year it got a lot colder a lot earlier than usual. Last time we had any snow laying for this sort of length of time, I was still at school! And I don't remember school closing at the time. I think we got an afternoon off when the heating broke once, but there was none of this nonsense about conditions being dangerous. It's OK though, I'm not bitter...

Anyway, this week's tedious list covers my recent-ish music purchases. Given that I've not mentioned much in the way of music purchases in a good nine months, the definition of 'recent' must be taken fairly loosely.

• Microdisney: Daunt Square and Elsewhere - Absolute genius blend of West Coast guitars and biting vocals from the 1980s. I still don't understand why they weren't so much more successful. Radio-friendly tunes and intelligent lyrics should have made for a success but somehow didn't. Still, at least it means I don't have to share them with thousands of other people, I suppose... Anyhoo, this is a quality compilation covering fairly evenly everything up to and including penultimate LP 'Crooked Mile'. Final LP '39 Minutes' is a tad under -represented but then it wasn't particularly liked by the band themselves so I guess that's fair enough.
• The Fatima Mansions: Viva Dead Ponies - Upon the demise of Microdisney, lead singer Cathal Coughlan pitched up with this bunch. Unlike his former band, I can very much understand why they weren't hit- laden either. Less radio-friendly musically and darker lyrically, and difficult to pigeonhole, there was no easy way to sum them up or lump them in as part of a scene or movement. It's all quality stuff though. Well worth the effort of seeking out this 2CD re-release. The first CD contains the 'Viva Dead Ponies' and the second is a compilation drawn from other releases.
• Stump: The Complete Anthology - Another bunch of Irish mavericks who surfaced in the mid-to- late 80s and never achieved much commercial success. (Hhmm, seems to be a theme here...) Stump were never really likely to achieve great commercial success though, despite being a fantastic live act. They nearly got close to the Top 40 with the brilliant Charlton Heston but that was about as commercial as they got. Their combination of Beefheartian riffing and wry tales is not for everyone I think. This anthology covers their first EP, the mini-LP 'Quirk Out' the debut LP 'A Fierce Pancake' and a number of tracks recorded post-Pancake which might have made a second LP if they hadn't split up first.
• Snuff: Six of One, Half a Dozen of the Other - A 2CD retrospective from 2005, covering just about the best of everything these loveable punk-popsters ever recorded (although no 'Bran Flakes' or my personal fave, 'Angles I-V') Conclusive proof that four chords and an ear for a tune is all you really need. Still occasionally gigging, apparently, so I might have to keep my eye out to see if they're doing anything near me.
• Chas 'n' Dave: Best Of - Gorblimey, guvnor, if it aint the kings of cockernee rockenroll, or rockney, to give it its proper name. All ver classix are 'ere - Gertcha, Rabbit, Margate, er, Snooker Loopy... Actually, it's all good fun and there's one or two surprises in there too.
• The Wurzels: The Finest 'arvest of - Not purchased in any expectation of classic tunes but merely for the novelty and to make sure I've got more material for any CDs I have to knock together for long car journeys with my sister and her family. That said the song 'I'll Never Get a Scrumpy Here' contains possible the greatest rhyme in all rock'n'roll - You never get surprises/Living in Devizes. Yeah, chew on that, Dylan.
• Linton Kwesi Johnson: Bass Culture - Back at the very end of the 70s, while I was still living in Walsall, I spent a lot of time at the Central Methodist Hall on a Thursday night, where they ran a 'youth' disco. I'm not sure my mum and dad approved, to be honest, but I'd be down there most weeks with my mate Daniel Lawson. It was there that I developed my taste for reggae and dub, which would dominate proceedings early doors till they switched to more chart-friendly disco stuff. When I moved to leafy Cheshire reggae was, unsurprisingly, thin on the ground, so when I came across LKJ's 'Di Black Petty Booshwah' single I snapped it up, despite having never heard anything else by him. It was great (I've still got it somewhere, I think) and Bass Culture is the album it came from. This is fantastic, politically charged dub poetry, backed by fine work from the legendary Dennis Bovell.
• Black Uhuru: The Dub Factor - Their 1980 LP 'Sinsemilla' was breaking during my final summer in Walsall and was considered the hottest thing of the day. I never really got to listen to it and still haven't got round to purchasing it, preferring instead to opt for this. It is an awesome dub album, produced by legends Sly and Robbie back in 1983. Probably best listened to whilst having a "smoke" it's still awesome stone cold sober. If you like this sort of thing, that is.
• Burning Spear: Marcus Garvey/Garvey's Ghost - Can't say I really remember hearing much Burning Spear back in the late 70s but I suppose I must have as I recall his name was dropped quite often. Still, here I got not only his classic 1975 LP, 'Marcus Garvey' but also the classic dub remix, 'Garveys Ghost'. Think I'm sorted for dub now.
• Pere Ubu: The Tenement Year - I was introduced to art-rock/no-wave stylings of Pere Ubu many years ago by my brother-in-law. I purchased their classic debut 'The Modern Dance' on cassette at some point, but never saw anything else by them, despite rumours of there being other albums. And then in 1987 this appeared, as if from nowhere. I didn't know they'd split up, then ended up sort of back together under a different name and decided to become Pere Ubu again. All I knew was that the band that had put out an album ten years ago suddenly had another out. I bought it and loved it. Favourites are probably 'George Had A Hat' and 'We Have the Technology'. This reissue has some bonus tracks which include another new fave in the shape of 'Postman Drove A Caddy'.
• Pere Ubu: Datapanik in Year Zero - At the same time as picking up the Tenement Year re-issue I picked up this box set which includes their early singles, all five studio albums up to 1982 (at which point they split) and a CD of odds and sods featuring various members of the group in their pre-Ubu guises. Well, the early stuff is good, the studio albums all have their moments, some more than others (obviously) and the odds and ends are interesting listening, so all in all I think I did quite well for the twelve quid I paid for this.
• Tom Waits/Crystal Gayle: One From The Heart soundtrack - Never thought I'd say this about a Tom Waits album, but I'm not sure I should have bought this. It's a re-issue of a CD I already own but has two additional tracks. The trouble is the two extra tracks aren't really worth the cost of the entire album. That said, the album itself is fantastic - top quality writing from Tom and lovely contrasting vocals from him and Crystal. These songs stand by themselves without the context of the film to support them. Just wish I'd thought to download the extra tracks and save myself a few quid...
• Various Artists: Now That's What I call Xmas - I think we should all have a Christmas album to listen to during the festive season and I got fed up of spinning Chas'n'Dave's Christmas Carols, so opted for this. Largely filled with your bona fide Christmas classics, there's enough here to keep you going in the kitchen while you're wrestling with the sprouts or trying to defrost the turkey. Hopefully you'll have managed those by the time you reach the slightly disappointing third and final disc...

Hhhmmm, having looked at that list I perhaps should have prefaced it as being my recent purchases of ancient music... Don't think I've bought anything that's been recorded in the 21st Century! Oh well. Never mind. Anyway, that's enough for this free Friday update. Next time I really will get round to talking about the books I've been reading. Honest.

Go on, stick your oar in:

You don't think you shine, but you do. But. You. Do.

Saturday 16th January 2010

Thought I'd get an update in before Christmas, but I never managed it. So anyway, what capers. What comedy capers. Since I was last with you, my company has had a round of redundancies. It's never a happy time when your company has to lose staff, especially as there wasn't much indication that this was coming. I wasn't one of the unlucky few this time round which, with my track record, was a pleasant surprise. A slightly less pleasant surprise was finding ou a few weeks later that the company had taken me up on my proposal and that from the 1st january, I've been working a four day week. Part of me doesn't mind - I like the idea of a four day week, to be honest - but I'd rather still be getting paid the same amount of money. Still, it's better than working no days a week, I suppose and does serve me right for volunteering. Just got to make sure I use the days off to do all the other stuff I keep saying I'd do if only I had the time...

As if getting an extra day off every week wasn't enough excitement for me, I managed to lose my wallet. There wasn't much cash in it but it did have my bank card, credit card and Crewe Alex season ticket. Not to mention my lottery ticket... In an early morning stupor, I'd forgotten to put it back in my pocket after I bought my ticket on the train. (The 8.33 London Midland from Crewe to London Euston, fact fans.) I got off at Alsager and went to work but my wallet didn't. I realised I was wallet-less about fifteen minutes after I got off the train. Luckily, while I was panicking, my boss found me a number for London Midland and I was able to explain to James at Customer Services my predicament. He tracked the train to Stafford, made a phone call or two and rang me back to tell me the train manager had found my wallet and left it at Stafford for me to collect. Not only that but all my cards and cash were still in it. Thank feck for that! I borrowed some cash and hopped on next train to Stafford to be re-united with said wallet. I didn't know whether to jump for joy, cry with relief or punch myself in the face for being so stupid. I owe someone up there big time.

The problem with the sporadic updates is that I forget things. For example, whilst writing down stuff that I've done recently for this update, I remembered that I went to the cinema to see Funny People a while back. So much of a while back, in fact, that I should have included it in the last update. Anyway, luckily it's not a third entry in the Babs Streisand's Funny Girl/Funny Lady series, but a Judd Apatow comedy starring Adam Sandler. It was alright and not certainly not the dumb-fest of other Apatow films (Knocked Up, Zohan, etc). In fact, despite the laughs, it's a noticeably darker film than some of Apatow's others - neither lead character is particularly likeable and the shadow of death and unfulfilled lives hang over everything. It does have a lot of funny moments and funny lines but it's not one I'll be rushing out to get on DVD, to be honest. Unless it's going really cheap, of course.

More enjoyable as a cinematic treat was Sherlock Holmes. It's an enjoyable romp through Victorian London, starring Robert Downey Jr as Holmes and Jude Law as Doctor Watson. It's directed by Guy Ritchie but is thankfully short of cockernee gangster-types. In fact, I didn't even realise it was Guy Ritchie film till I saw the credits. Anyway, it's a cracking movie even if it does take some liberties with Conan Doyle's most famous detective. Certainly anyone raised on Basil Rathbone or Jeremy Brett's iconic portrayals of Holmes will be gnashing their teeth but I think Downey does a good job and Law's Watson is much closer to the literary Watson than others have been. and there's two decent villains in the movie and a nice set up for any sequel. Definitely worth going to see.

Of course now, I'm on reduced wages, I'm either going to have to cut out the buying of cheap DVDs or buy stuff that's even cheaper that what I've been picking up recently. Either way, this is probably going to be the only list of DVDs I do this year, unless Morrisons/Amazon/HMV/whoever start knocking them out at 50p...

• Robobcop Trilogy - Ahead of the forthcoming "re-boot" of the franchise (which has recently been put on hold, hurrah!) I thought I'd re-acquaint myself with the originals. Easily summed up as the good first one, the surprisingly decent second one and the ludicrous third one in which RoboCop stops killing everybody, develops a social conscience and learns to fly...
• Leon - absolute classic starring Jean Reno as the titular hitman. Having reluctantly saved a young Natalie Portman from Gary Oldman's bent cop, who was gunning down the rest of her family at the time, Leon finds things spiral out of control as Natalie decides she wants to be a hitman and then tries to take revenge on Oldman. Thing end badly for Reno and Oldman, but at least Natalie lives to star in The Phantom Menace....
• Magicians - a Mitchell and Webb vehicle, in which they play their usual mis-matched characters who somehow get along together. This time the two play a magic double-act which falls apart after Mitchell accidentally kills his wife not long after catching her in flagrante delicto with Webb. A magic competiton brings them back in contact but can they reconcile their differences and work together to win the competition? Well, yes, sort of. The trouble with this is that it seems like an extended episode of their TV shows. I believe that David Mitchell has recently said he thought this film came tooearly for them, and he might be right. It's worth checking out though, but only if you can find it cheap, like I did.
• The Man With Two Brains - another classic, this time starring Steve Martin as brilliant brain surgeon Doctor Hfuhruhurr, who is married to manipulative goldigger, Kathleen Turner. Whilst visiting a fellow brainologist he meets and falls in love with the brain of Anne Uumellmahaye (voiced by Sissy Spacek, fact fans). Capers ensue as he tries to keep the romance secret from his wife and find a way of keeping Anne's brain alive. Top quality.
• Jerry Springer: The Opera - What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fucking fucking fuck? Classic 90s OTT skewering of Jerry Springer's televisual freak show. If you haven't seen this, you haven't lived.
• One From The Heart - Las Vegas provides the backdrop to this Francis Ford Coppola musical. Yes, the man who directed Apocalypse Now and the first two Godfather films also directed a musical. A musical which had a projected budget of 2 Million dollars, ending up costing 25 million and bankrupted Mr Coppola. Mind you, serves him right - he could have saved a fortune if he'd shot the film on location instead of building a mini version of Las Vegas in the studio... Anyhoo, it's a bittersweet love story, which has a fantastic soundtrack by Tom Waits and Crystal Gayle. The film is not bad either.
• Hollow Man - Kevin Bacon stars in this re-working of the Invisible Man story. Full marks for the FX but not many marks for the plot, I'm afraid. It's the usual cobblers about the mad scientist experimenting on himself and turning madder. Tedious.
• Omen Pentology Box Set - More satanic child nonsense than you can shake a stick at. The original is a true horror classic, of course. The second one neglects the plot in favour of ramping up the gore, whilst the third neglects the gore in favour of ramping up the ludicrous dialogue and Gregorian chanting. The Box set also include the made-for-TV 4th film and the recent remake of the original. I've not got round to watching either of those yet.
• Hector's House - Classic 1960/70s kids TV featuring a hound, Hector, his partner ZaZa (a cat) and the next-door neighbour, Kiki the frog. This was, like Magic Roundabout, actually a French production that was adapted for British TV. Unlike the Roundabout, this one was fairly faithful to the French original. Every episode, ZaZa and Kiki take the mickey out of big, stupid, old Hector, leading him to invariably end the episode with "I'm a silly old Hector" or some variant thereof.

And that's your lot for this brief update. Next time (hopefully next week) I'll give you a proper run down on some of the music that I've bought recently and a rare glimpse into my reading habits. Well, I say habits, but the truth is, I don't actually read that much and have only recently started ploughing through a few books. I might also include some photos - I've got a load from Christmas that I haven't uploaded yet. Don't hold your breath though.

Go on, stick your oar in:

the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends towards justice

Sunday 8th November

Well, I was going to start with the usual apologies for the delay between updates, but frankly, it's been so long any apology would be meaningless, and besides I've had other stuff to do. Not that I can guarantee to have remembered all of it. So, where to start? Well, how about a few highlights?

Nantwich Show - As usual I dragged my nephews round the Nantwich Show and International Cheese Festival. And as usual (or at least usual for the last three years) it was a tad damp. I took some pictures, of course, and a video of the rather underwhelming stunt biker and you can see them on my Nantwich Show 2009 set on flickr. I'm kind of getting used to the mud at the show now, but once again was left wondering why there was no metal roadway put down at the entrance to the showground. The main route up to the cheese marquee must have been about two inches deep in slurry-like mud by the time we left. Lord knows how anyone with a wheelchair or a pushchair coped with it. If I was organising the event, that would have been the first place I put any roadway.

Holiday - For the first time in ages I had a proper going-away holiday. A week with my sister and her family at the Pontins Holiday Park in Caister-on-Sea. And very nice and relaxing it was too. The weather even stayed nice all week. It was raining on the day we arrived, but after that it was pretty much sunshine all the way. We had a couple of days out at the Caister Castle Car Collection and the Great Yarmouth Sea Life Centre but mostly we stayed on site.

• Caister Castle Car Collection - Two attractions for the price one. An old ruined castle and a classic car collection. Except that the castle doesn't look as old as it actually is (being one of the first brick built examples) and you're not allowed to photograph any of the cars in the exhibition hall. I don't mind the first bit, but the second annoyed me, especially as they weren't giving us the hard sell to buy pictures, postcards or souvenir programmes on the way out. Perhaps they're overly paranoid about the cars being photographed and then stolen to order...? Anyhoo, I took a load of pictures of the castle and of the exhibits outside the main hall and have whacked them up on flickr in my Caister Castle Car Collection set.
• Sea Life Centre - We were saving this for a rainy day, but in the end it didn't rain so we ended up going on the Friday. There were plenty of things to see and look at and I have to say it was well laid out. No problems with photography here although they did ask you to refrain from using your flash. (Not the first time I've been asked to refrain from flashing in public...) Sadly, a fair few of me pictures turned out to be slightly out of focus. Never mind, I've salvaged the best and stuck them up on flickr in my Sea Life Centre set. The one downside of the visit for me was that the last exhibits were the seahorses and these always seem to make me feel melancholy for some reason. So instead of walking into the gift shop feeling cheery and ready to splash the cash, I just wanted to go home. Is it just me that feels like this about seahorses?
• The rest of the holiday Most of the rest of the holiday was spent within the confines of the camp. Which was alright - there was plenty for the kids to do, the beach was right next door and the pub opened at 8 in the morning for brekkie... And there was entertainment laid on every night, so there was always something to do just about every minute of the day. Good fun, and of course, pictures available on flickr in my Holidee 2009 set. I just wish I'd booked a couple of days of either side so that I had time to energise myself before I went and to recover when I got back... Lesson learned for next time.

UA Europe Conference - For the first time in ages I managed to persuade an employer to send me off to a conference. I couldn't manage to get them to stump up for me to go to LavaCon in New Orleans, sadly, so had to make do with the UA Conference in Cardiff. Can't say I've had any great times in Cardiff, to be honest, but that's probably because I've only been there to see Crewe get beaten... Anyway, that all changed this time round, because I had a great time - met some good people, learned some interesting things, heard some inspirational presentations and even managed to get a beer or two down me neck. Not sure exactly how much of it is directly applicable to my work at the moment (apart from the single-sourcing stuff) but all very interesting in a geeky way. Did you know that HTML 5 is coming, for example? I didn't.

Crewe Alexandra - Have to start wondering what's going on down at Gresty Road these days. Amid rumours of impending financial meltdown, the club have sacked a manager for the second time in less than year. I wasn't too disappointed to see Gudjon Thordarson get the heave-ho, to be honest, because we weren't playing attractive football, weren't winning and weren't developing our young players for the future. We lost two promising Academy graduates to Stoke during the summer due to GT's attitude towards them, apparently, That's not to say GT didn't do some good things - he signed two useful central defenders from non-league for nothing, got Zola fit enough to play 12 games in a row, sent a couple of lads to Iceland to get more experience and got rid of a lot of useless players over the summer. Sadly, he also sold two of our better players for next to nothing. In the end a run of four defeats including a dismal thrashing at Accrington Stanley and a woeful home loss to Bury was enough for the board to pull the plug. Dario has stepped into the breach once more and with only one training session got the team playing football again. There were promising signs in the defeat at home to Rotherham (although the defence and goalkeeper still looked suspect) and then a good win at Bradford. A painful loss at home to local rivals Port Vale got some fans grumbling, and they grumbled some more after the defeat at Notts County, but the recovery appeared to have started with a fine win at Cheltenham. Sadly, it all went titsup yesterday at York, where Crewe looked comfortable for 85 minutes and then conceded two late goals to crash out of the FA Cup at the first hurdle. I think there might be a bit more pain to come before we settle down and start fulfilling our potential. At least we can concentrate on the league now! In the longer term, Dario is pretty much likely to remain in charge till the end of the season and then things will be reviewed. Hopefully this signals the start of a proper succession plan, with assistant manager Steve Davis being groomed by Dario to gradually step up and take over first team affairs. Onwards and upwards. Hopefully.

Music stuff - Probably forgotten at least one of the gigs I've been to in the last couple of months, so apologies if you were expecting me to review your band. One of the things I can remember is that Sgt Wolfbanger have finally put their album out. 'Think Inside The Box', is the name of it and it's available from all good record sellers. And some crap ones. Actually, you can download it track-by-track from Amazon, or order the CD (cheaper than the download) online from bigCartel. Another of the things I can remember is going to see Wolfbanger, along with Bathroom Crooners and Heebie Jeebies supporting Slow Club. Bathroom Crooners opened the night. I liked them when I saw them last time, but this time I was a little disappointed. I think I was probably disappointed by the lack of original material as much as anything. They were just breaking in a new drummer and so were working round that, but I wanted to hear their songs not their covers of other people's. But maybe that was just me. Still think they can live without the ukulele cover of a Peaches song though. The other thing I noticed was that lead singer Sam was stuck behind his keyboards all gig, even when he didn't actually play them on a song. Think he needs to find a way to get out from behind them every now and then, to be honest - break the barrier the keyboards create. Next up were Sgt Wolfbanger, who were excellent as usual. Frontman Dan (that's a description by the way, not a nickname like he's in some Guy Ritchie-directed gangster musical) has really grown into the role and has a real stage presence now. Buy their album, see how good they are. Or at least check out their myspace page. Penultimate band were Rotherham's Heebie Jeebies. Frankly, I could live without ever hearing from them again. Their recorded material is riff-heavy stuff marred by sub-Libertines vocal stylings. Live, they were a godawful, shouty mess. Finally, boy-girl-acoustic-duo, Slow Club. I was fearful of a twee-cum-kitsch overload and they were a bit winsome at times. but overall they were very entertaining in a light acoustic American-folk-type way. Best moment of all was probably their totally acoustic encore in the middle of the audience. The other musical extravaganza I recall is the inaugural Club Sumo night at Square One in Crewe. I have to say, first off, that being slightly drunk, I probably wasn't in the best position to judge how good it was. On the other hand, I can tell you that when acoustic song boy Chris whatever-his-name-was started off down the other end of the pub, I couldn't hear him properly over the murmurings of the assembled throng. It was a situation easily resolved by moving down to the other end of the pub, but I reckon it wouldn't have hurt to have turned his mic and guitar up a bit. Unlike the Sumo Kings, who kicked off their set with the guitars turned down and the bass prominent in the mix, giving us a garage-rock sound reminiscent of Pere Ubu. Sadly they ruined it by turning the guitars and vocals up and then they sounded a lot like any other shouty indie band. They're a good shouty indie band, make no mistake, but we're not short of those.

Anyway, in the midst of all that, you'll be delighted to know I've continued splurging on the old cheapo DVDs. And I've bought a few as well...

• Quarantine - another in the long line of Hollywood remakes-cum-rip-offs. Here, it's Spanish horror, [rec] that gets the treatment. A TV documentary crew join a fire brigade unit on a shout and find themselves sealed in an apartment block with a multiplying horde of rage-zombies. It all ends badly.
• Shrooms - Drugs are bad. And the wrong sort of drugs are really bad and can instead turn you into a psychotic killer. Here, some irritating American youths travel to Ireland to sample the magic mushrooms, like you do. The cute one ingests the wrong fungus and via some trippy, hallucinatory expositions, it all ends badly.
• Hannibal Rising - The origins of Hannibal Lecter. Turns out he wasn't born bad after all. Who knew? In fact, it all started when his parents were killed during the war and he and his younger sister are "rescued" by a ragged bunch of deserters. Sadly, they live in the middle of nowhere and food is in short supply. Younger sister doesn't last long once the meat runs out. Luckily the arrival of the Russian army saves Hannibal from being eaten. Post-war, Hannibal gets taken in by his uncle in France. His uncle who just happens to be married to a martial arts expert. A martial arts expert who trains him up for his revenge mission. It all ends badly for the surviving deserters, of course, and Hannibal escapes to America.
• Outpost - Nazi Zombie Movies. Bleedin' fousands of 'em! Well, maybe not, but one of a few that have hit the shelves recently (Dead Snow, Outpost, er, that other one...) Anyway, your man here rounds up a bunch of mercenaries in some war-torn Eastern European country and heads off to an abandoned Nazi bunker. The mercenaries think they're off to retrieve some gold or something, but your man is after some sort of doomsday device that turns soldiers into invincible zombies. Sadly for him there's already some invincible Nazi zombies guarding it and they're not letting it go without a fight. Predictably, it all ends badly.
• Replacement Killers - John Woo lends his name to this caper as Executive Producer and it certainly reflects his bullet-heavy style. 'Tis a simple tale of an assassin whose conscience prevents him doing a job and must deal with the consequences. The consequences being that the gang boss has put a price on his head AND is going to kill his family back home in China too. Luckily, our hero gets some assistance from a sassy, beautiful forger. And while it's all ending badly for all our hero's other associates (and most of his would-be assassins) the two of them find a way through. It doesn't end too badly.
• O Brother, Where Art thou? - Light comic romp with George Clooney and two accomplices escaping from a chain gang and having various misadventures as they try to stay one step ahead of the chasing pack, while heading for George's home town so he can see his wife and children again. It doesn't end badly.
• Ideal Series 3 & 4 - More misadventures of Manchester's laziest drug dealer. His attempts to have a peaceful life are once again de-railed as things get ever more complicated. There's more capers with Psycho Paul's gang, Judith next door, some born-again Christian plumbers and the usual disintegration of relationships. Lots of things end badly.
• Shark in Venice - Ludicrous nonsense involving sunken treasure and sharks in the waterways of Venice. It starts badly, tails off in the middle and the less said about the end, the better...
• What Lies Beneath - I really wanted to see this at the cinema when it came out but was over-ruled by the mob and forced to watch Pitch Black instead. It's OK, I'm not bitter. Well, not any more. Or any less. The lovely Michelle Pfeiffer thinks she's being haunted and grumpy hubby Harrison Ford is no help. I wonder why..? Probably because he's read through to the end of the film and knows that it's all going to turn into a confused mess. It all ends badly. But not in a good way. In a "what the frick was that waste of my time all about" way, in fact.

And that really is enough for now. Hopefully next time, I'll be able to tell you how hilarious William Shatner's latest book is, or list the CDs by bands you've never heard of that I have purchased. I doubt it though - I'll probably be spending most of the time apologising for the lack of updates, assuming you haven't lost interest. Just remember, the update arc of the fatfakir universe is long but it bends towards eventuality...

Go on, stick your oar in: