Paris is in India???

Sunday 31st January 2010

Books, glorious books. Something and something for cooling the blood. Or maybe not. Have to admit that I haven't really spent much time reading for the last year or so. There was always something more interesting on the Internet to grab my attention... Even when I couldn't watch the television (aerial troubles, compounded by the digital switchover, you really don't want to know) I didn't read much, preferring to waste my time on the Interweb. Anyway, I've acquired a few books recently so have started to read again. Well, I say 'read' but, to be honest, some these haven't been read so much as dipped in and out of at various times.

• The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown - Yep, the latest blockbuster from Dan Brown. Not a book I would have chosen for myself, obviously, but I was given it as a present by a dear friend, so I couldn't well refuse it. That said it turns out not to be as badly writtren as I was expecting. Yes, some of the prose is clunky and some of the expositional stuff is crudely levered in, but it's not a bad yarn for all that. Brown at least knows that the crucial thing in a thriller is to get you from A to B without giving away too much. This races through at breakneck pace, with all the action taking place in the space of about twenty-four hours. The trouble is that even at that speed things don't add up - the Masonic conspiracy theory, the dubious science, the convenience of some of the plot twists and the apparent incompetence of the CIA, for example. It's an OK read, but I wouldn't recommend going out of your way to get a copy.
• Liberty in the Age of Terror by A.C. Grayling - a fascinating and, at times, unsettling assemblage of Grayling's writings on the subject of civil liberites, highlighting how the State has eroded our freedoms in the name of the War on Terror. More importantly, Grayling explains why these freedoms are important and why we should not take their erosion lightly. Compelling reading.
• Our Times by A. N. Wilson - I have to say that, however witty the author may be, it's hard to feel comfortable reading a book which blames immigration for the disintegration of British society in it's preface. It's a shame because some of the points Wilson makes are both valid and amusing but one can't help feeling slightly distrustful of the basic premise of the book. In the end it seems that, like Morrissey, Wilson is pining for a lost Britain that never existed.
• Crewe And Its People by Jules Hornbrook - A bit of local colour from me old mucker, and author of crewe blog, Jules. Here he gives a potted history of several Crewe people, some of whom are famous and some of whom are well-known locally and some of whom just have interesting stories to tell. Yes, it is a "local book for local people", but it's also a good book for dipping in and out of. A perfect Toilet Book, in fact, if that's not too much information.
• American Flagg Vols 1 & 2 by Howard Chaykin - only books in the sense that they're compilations of Mr Chaykin's American Flagg comic books. Strange how time alters your perceptions. I thought these were a bit racy when I were a lad, now they seem a bit sad. 'Tis a simple tale of one lone man standing up against injustice. Standing up against injustice whilst also being irresistible to women... Clearly aimed at the adolescent me, rather than the mature (yeah, right) me.
• The Fallen by Dave Simpson - Journalist and uber-fan Simpson attempts to track down almost everybody who has ever played in The Fall. Given leader Mark E Smith's tendency to fall in and out with people fairly regularly, and the fact that some of those people haven't been heard of in twenty-plus years, it's a monumental task. In the end, Simpson doesn't quite manage to track down all 43 (at the time) ex-members of The Fall, but his travails in doing so make fascinating reading. If you've ever had any interest in The Fall, you should buy this book, although I'm sure MES would prefer you bought their latest album...
• Up Till Now by William Shatner - The Kirkster gives us a run-through of his life so far. And his co-author does us the favour of allowing Shatner to tell it in his own inimitable style. (Although it's probably best not to try to imagine Kirk reading it aloud - it might take too long with all those dramatic pauses!) To be fair, although Bill plays it coy when it comes to naming the leading ladies he's had dalliances with, he doesn't spare us the details of his failed marriages or the tragic death of his second wife, Nerine. Whether you enjoy this will, I guess, come down to how you feel about Shatner. I quite like him - he's demonstrated a rare ability to laugh at himself in later life - and think the book's a good read.
• Creeping Flesh - The Horror Fantasy Film Book Vol 1 - Another of the free books I received at Christmas. It's a labour-of-love guide to some of the forgotten delights of televisual and film horror. Covers such curios as the BBC's Ghost Story for Christmas series, Peter Cook and Dudley Moore's ill-fated Hound of the Baskervilles film and Times-Square-schlock-film fanzine Sleazoid Express. It's another good book for dipping in and out of. (Yes, a Toilet Book.) And yes, there is a Vol 2 available, apparently. Might have to look out for that.
• Headpress Guide to the Counter Culture - A harsh critic might say of this one "Hey, guys, if you want to get in to the alternative scene, these are the books/films/comics/albums you should have lying around at your flat to make you look really hip." I'm not a harsh critic. It's interesting and probably worth a flick through just to see how much of the material covered in here you can claim to have read/watched. It is, in fact another Toilet Book. That makes three on this list, so perhaps I ought to put a bookshelf up in the bathroom? Mind, I'd have to do something about the condensation and the damp in there, if I did that...

Well, that's it for now. I'm afraid my plan to avoid buying cheap DVDs went out of the window and I've got a few more to watch. But I'll save them for the next update - I've got to get round to watching them all at some point!

Go on, stick your oar in:

Yours sincerely, Albert Einstein

Friday 22nd January 2010

Who says the blog is dead? Well, obviously mine was until I got my day off... It's the third of my non-working Fridays (not counting New Years Day, obviously) and already I've done a second update for the website. That's as many as I managed in the last six months of last year! Not that I should be feeling proud of that because I haven't managed to do any of the other things I was thinking I could on my free day. Admittedly, some of my plans have not been helped by the recent cold weather. Most of my first free Friday was spent shivering under a duvet on the sofa, watching telly and trying to keep warm. It was so cold, fact fans, that pipes INSIDE my house froze. And whilst I've become used to the condensation freezing on the inside of my windows during the winter (especially the North-facing ones) I wasn't expecting the deep coating of frost on the inside of my bathroom window which I hope you can see in this lovely photo.

And, before you say it, I do know that it gets cold in the winter, thank you. But this year it got a lot colder a lot earlier than usual. Last time we had any snow laying for this sort of length of time, I was still at school! And I don't remember school closing at the time. I think we got an afternoon off when the heating broke once, but there was none of this nonsense about conditions being dangerous. It's OK though, I'm not bitter...

Anyway, this week's tedious list covers my recent-ish music purchases. Given that I've not mentioned much in the way of music purchases in a good nine months, the definition of 'recent' must be taken fairly loosely.

• Microdisney: Daunt Square and Elsewhere - Absolute genius blend of West Coast guitars and biting vocals from the 1980s. I still don't understand why they weren't so much more successful. Radio-friendly tunes and intelligent lyrics should have made for a success but somehow didn't. Still, at least it means I don't have to share them with thousands of other people, I suppose... Anyhoo, this is a quality compilation covering fairly evenly everything up to and including penultimate LP 'Crooked Mile'. Final LP '39 Minutes' is a tad under -represented but then it wasn't particularly liked by the band themselves so I guess that's fair enough.
• The Fatima Mansions: Viva Dead Ponies - Upon the demise of Microdisney, lead singer Cathal Coughlan pitched up with this bunch. Unlike his former band, I can very much understand why they weren't hit- laden either. Less radio-friendly musically and darker lyrically, and difficult to pigeonhole, there was no easy way to sum them up or lump them in as part of a scene or movement. It's all quality stuff though. Well worth the effort of seeking out this 2CD re-release. The first CD contains the 'Viva Dead Ponies' and the second is a compilation drawn from other releases.
• Stump: The Complete Anthology - Another bunch of Irish mavericks who surfaced in the mid-to- late 80s and never achieved much commercial success. (Hhmm, seems to be a theme here...) Stump were never really likely to achieve great commercial success though, despite being a fantastic live act. They nearly got close to the Top 40 with the brilliant Charlton Heston but that was about as commercial as they got. Their combination of Beefheartian riffing and wry tales is not for everyone I think. This anthology covers their first EP, the mini-LP 'Quirk Out' the debut LP 'A Fierce Pancake' and a number of tracks recorded post-Pancake which might have made a second LP if they hadn't split up first.
• Snuff: Six of One, Half a Dozen of the Other - A 2CD retrospective from 2005, covering just about the best of everything these loveable punk-popsters ever recorded (although no 'Bran Flakes' or my personal fave, 'Angles I-V') Conclusive proof that four chords and an ear for a tune is all you really need. Still occasionally gigging, apparently, so I might have to keep my eye out to see if they're doing anything near me.
• Chas 'n' Dave: Best Of - Gorblimey, guvnor, if it aint the kings of cockernee rockenroll, or rockney, to give it its proper name. All ver classix are 'ere - Gertcha, Rabbit, Margate, er, Snooker Loopy... Actually, it's all good fun and there's one or two surprises in there too.
• The Wurzels: The Finest 'arvest of - Not purchased in any expectation of classic tunes but merely for the novelty and to make sure I've got more material for any CDs I have to knock together for long car journeys with my sister and her family. That said the song 'I'll Never Get a Scrumpy Here' contains possible the greatest rhyme in all rock'n'roll - You never get surprises/Living in Devizes. Yeah, chew on that, Dylan.
• Linton Kwesi Johnson: Bass Culture - Back at the very end of the 70s, while I was still living in Walsall, I spent a lot of time at the Central Methodist Hall on a Thursday night, where they ran a 'youth' disco. I'm not sure my mum and dad approved, to be honest, but I'd be down there most weeks with my mate Daniel Lawson. It was there that I developed my taste for reggae and dub, which would dominate proceedings early doors till they switched to more chart-friendly disco stuff. When I moved to leafy Cheshire reggae was, unsurprisingly, thin on the ground, so when I came across LKJ's 'Di Black Petty Booshwah' single I snapped it up, despite having never heard anything else by him. It was great (I've still got it somewhere, I think) and Bass Culture is the album it came from. This is fantastic, politically charged dub poetry, backed by fine work from the legendary Dennis Bovell.
• Black Uhuru: The Dub Factor - Their 1980 LP 'Sinsemilla' was breaking during my final summer in Walsall and was considered the hottest thing of the day. I never really got to listen to it and still haven't got round to purchasing it, preferring instead to opt for this. It is an awesome dub album, produced by legends Sly and Robbie back in 1983. Probably best listened to whilst having a "smoke" it's still awesome stone cold sober. If you like this sort of thing, that is.
• Burning Spear: Marcus Garvey/Garvey's Ghost - Can't say I really remember hearing much Burning Spear back in the late 70s but I suppose I must have as I recall his name was dropped quite often. Still, here I got not only his classic 1975 LP, 'Marcus Garvey' but also the classic dub remix, 'Garveys Ghost'. Think I'm sorted for dub now.
• Pere Ubu: The Tenement Year - I was introduced to art-rock/no-wave stylings of Pere Ubu many years ago by my brother-in-law. I purchased their classic debut 'The Modern Dance' on cassette at some point, but never saw anything else by them, despite rumours of there being other albums. And then in 1987 this appeared, as if from nowhere. I didn't know they'd split up, then ended up sort of back together under a different name and decided to become Pere Ubu again. All I knew was that the band that had put out an album ten years ago suddenly had another out. I bought it and loved it. Favourites are probably 'George Had A Hat' and 'We Have the Technology'. This reissue has some bonus tracks which include another new fave in the shape of 'Postman Drove A Caddy'.
• Pere Ubu: Datapanik in Year Zero - At the same time as picking up the Tenement Year re-issue I picked up this box set which includes their early singles, all five studio albums up to 1982 (at which point they split) and a CD of odds and sods featuring various members of the group in their pre-Ubu guises. Well, the early stuff is good, the studio albums all have their moments, some more than others (obviously) and the odds and ends are interesting listening, so all in all I think I did quite well for the twelve quid I paid for this.
• Tom Waits/Crystal Gayle: One From The Heart soundtrack - Never thought I'd say this about a Tom Waits album, but I'm not sure I should have bought this. It's a re-issue of a CD I already own but has two additional tracks. The trouble is the two extra tracks aren't really worth the cost of the entire album. That said, the album itself is fantastic - top quality writing from Tom and lovely contrasting vocals from him and Crystal. These songs stand by themselves without the context of the film to support them. Just wish I'd thought to download the extra tracks and save myself a few quid...
• Various Artists: Now That's What I call Xmas - I think we should all have a Christmas album to listen to during the festive season and I got fed up of spinning Chas'n'Dave's Christmas Carols, so opted for this. Largely filled with your bona fide Christmas classics, there's enough here to keep you going in the kitchen while you're wrestling with the sprouts or trying to defrost the turkey. Hopefully you'll have managed those by the time you reach the slightly disappointing third and final disc...

Hhhmmm, having looked at that list I perhaps should have prefaced it as being my recent purchases of ancient music... Don't think I've bought anything that's been recorded in the 21st Century! Oh well. Never mind. Anyway, that's enough for this free Friday update. Next time I really will get round to talking about the books I've been reading. Honest.

Go on, stick your oar in:

You don't think you shine, but you do. But. You. Do.

Saturday 16th January 2010

Thought I'd get an update in before Christmas, but I never managed it. So anyway, what capers. What comedy capers. Since I was last with you, my company has had a round of redundancies. It's never a happy time when your company has to lose staff, especially as there wasn't much indication that this was coming. I wasn't one of the unlucky few this time round which, with my track record, was a pleasant surprise. A slightly less pleasant surprise was finding ou a few weeks later that the company had taken me up on my proposal and that from the 1st january, I've been working a four day week. Part of me doesn't mind - I like the idea of a four day week, to be honest - but I'd rather still be getting paid the same amount of money. Still, it's better than working no days a week, I suppose and does serve me right for volunteering. Just got to make sure I use the days off to do all the other stuff I keep saying I'd do if only I had the time...

As if getting an extra day off every week wasn't enough excitement for me, I managed to lose my wallet. There wasn't much cash in it but it did have my bank card, credit card and Crewe Alex season ticket. Not to mention my lottery ticket... In an early morning stupor, I'd forgotten to put it back in my pocket after I bought my ticket on the train. (The 8.33 London Midland from Crewe to London Euston, fact fans.) I got off at Alsager and went to work but my wallet didn't. I realised I was wallet-less about fifteen minutes after I got off the train. Luckily, while I was panicking, my boss found me a number for London Midland and I was able to explain to James at Customer Services my predicament. He tracked the train to Stafford, made a phone call or two and rang me back to tell me the train manager had found my wallet and left it at Stafford for me to collect. Not only that but all my cards and cash were still in it. Thank feck for that! I borrowed some cash and hopped on next train to Stafford to be re-united with said wallet. I didn't know whether to jump for joy, cry with relief or punch myself in the face for being so stupid. I owe someone up there big time.

The problem with the sporadic updates is that I forget things. For example, whilst writing down stuff that I've done recently for this update, I remembered that I went to the cinema to see Funny People a while back. So much of a while back, in fact, that I should have included it in the last update. Anyway, luckily it's not a third entry in the Babs Streisand's Funny Girl/Funny Lady series, but a Judd Apatow comedy starring Adam Sandler. It was alright and not certainly not the dumb-fest of other Apatow films (Knocked Up, Zohan, etc). In fact, despite the laughs, it's a noticeably darker film than some of Apatow's others - neither lead character is particularly likeable and the shadow of death and unfulfilled lives hang over everything. It does have a lot of funny moments and funny lines but it's not one I'll be rushing out to get on DVD, to be honest. Unless it's going really cheap, of course.

More enjoyable as a cinematic treat was Sherlock Holmes. It's an enjoyable romp through Victorian London, starring Robert Downey Jr as Holmes and Jude Law as Doctor Watson. It's directed by Guy Ritchie but is thankfully short of cockernee gangster-types. In fact, I didn't even realise it was Guy Ritchie film till I saw the credits. Anyway, it's a cracking movie even if it does take some liberties with Conan Doyle's most famous detective. Certainly anyone raised on Basil Rathbone or Jeremy Brett's iconic portrayals of Holmes will be gnashing their teeth but I think Downey does a good job and Law's Watson is much closer to the literary Watson than others have been. and there's two decent villains in the movie and a nice set up for any sequel. Definitely worth going to see.

Of course now, I'm on reduced wages, I'm either going to have to cut out the buying of cheap DVDs or buy stuff that's even cheaper that what I've been picking up recently. Either way, this is probably going to be the only list of DVDs I do this year, unless Morrisons/Amazon/HMV/whoever start knocking them out at 50p...

• Robobcop Trilogy - Ahead of the forthcoming "re-boot" of the franchise (which has recently been put on hold, hurrah!) I thought I'd re-acquaint myself with the originals. Easily summed up as the good first one, the surprisingly decent second one and the ludicrous third one in which RoboCop stops killing everybody, develops a social conscience and learns to fly...
• Leon - absolute classic starring Jean Reno as the titular hitman. Having reluctantly saved a young Natalie Portman from Gary Oldman's bent cop, who was gunning down the rest of her family at the time, Leon finds things spiral out of control as Natalie decides she wants to be a hitman and then tries to take revenge on Oldman. Thing end badly for Reno and Oldman, but at least Natalie lives to star in The Phantom Menace....
• Magicians - a Mitchell and Webb vehicle, in which they play their usual mis-matched characters who somehow get along together. This time the two play a magic double-act which falls apart after Mitchell accidentally kills his wife not long after catching her in flagrante delicto with Webb. A magic competiton brings them back in contact but can they reconcile their differences and work together to win the competition? Well, yes, sort of. The trouble with this is that it seems like an extended episode of their TV shows. I believe that David Mitchell has recently said he thought this film came tooearly for them, and he might be right. It's worth checking out though, but only if you can find it cheap, like I did.
• The Man With Two Brains - another classic, this time starring Steve Martin as brilliant brain surgeon Doctor Hfuhruhurr, who is married to manipulative goldigger, Kathleen Turner. Whilst visiting a fellow brainologist he meets and falls in love with the brain of Anne Uumellmahaye (voiced by Sissy Spacek, fact fans). Capers ensue as he tries to keep the romance secret from his wife and find a way of keeping Anne's brain alive. Top quality.
• Jerry Springer: The Opera - What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fucking fucking fuck? Classic 90s OTT skewering of Jerry Springer's televisual freak show. If you haven't seen this, you haven't lived.
• One From The Heart - Las Vegas provides the backdrop to this Francis Ford Coppola musical. Yes, the man who directed Apocalypse Now and the first two Godfather films also directed a musical. A musical which had a projected budget of 2 Million dollars, ending up costing 25 million and bankrupted Mr Coppola. Mind you, serves him right - he could have saved a fortune if he'd shot the film on location instead of building a mini version of Las Vegas in the studio... Anyhoo, it's a bittersweet love story, which has a fantastic soundtrack by Tom Waits and Crystal Gayle. The film is not bad either.
• Hollow Man - Kevin Bacon stars in this re-working of the Invisible Man story. Full marks for the FX but not many marks for the plot, I'm afraid. It's the usual cobblers about the mad scientist experimenting on himself and turning madder. Tedious.
• Omen Pentology Box Set - More satanic child nonsense than you can shake a stick at. The original is a true horror classic, of course. The second one neglects the plot in favour of ramping up the gore, whilst the third neglects the gore in favour of ramping up the ludicrous dialogue and Gregorian chanting. The Box set also include the made-for-TV 4th film and the recent remake of the original. I've not got round to watching either of those yet.
• Hector's House - Classic 1960/70s kids TV featuring a hound, Hector, his partner ZaZa (a cat) and the next-door neighbour, Kiki the frog. This was, like Magic Roundabout, actually a French production that was adapted for British TV. Unlike the Roundabout, this one was fairly faithful to the French original. Every episode, ZaZa and Kiki take the mickey out of big, stupid, old Hector, leading him to invariably end the episode with "I'm a silly old Hector" or some variant thereof.

And that's your lot for this brief update. Next time (hopefully next week) I'll give you a proper run down on some of the music that I've bought recently and a rare glimpse into my reading habits. Well, I say habits, but the truth is, I don't actually read that much and have only recently started ploughing through a few books. I might also include some photos - I've got a load from Christmas that I haven't uploaded yet. Don't hold your breath though.

Go on, stick your oar in:

the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends towards justice

Sunday 8th November

Well, I was going to start with the usual apologies for the delay between updates, but frankly, it's been so long any apology would be meaningless, and besides I've had other stuff to do. Not that I can guarantee to have remembered all of it. So, where to start? Well, how about a few highlights?

Nantwich Show - As usual I dragged my nephews round the Nantwich Show and International Cheese Festival. And as usual (or at least usual for the last three years) it was a tad damp. I took some pictures, of course, and a video of the rather underwhelming stunt biker and you can see them on my Nantwich Show 2009 set on flickr. I'm kind of getting used to the mud at the show now, but once again was left wondering why there was no metal roadway put down at the entrance to the showground. The main route up to the cheese marquee must have been about two inches deep in slurry-like mud by the time we left. Lord knows how anyone with a wheelchair or a pushchair coped with it. If I was organising the event, that would have been the first place I put any roadway.

Holiday - For the first time in ages I had a proper going-away holiday. A week with my sister and her family at the Pontins Holiday Park in Caister-on-Sea. And very nice and relaxing it was too. The weather even stayed nice all week. It was raining on the day we arrived, but after that it was pretty much sunshine all the way. We had a couple of days out at the Caister Castle Car Collection and the Great Yarmouth Sea Life Centre but mostly we stayed on site.

• Caister Castle Car Collection - Two attractions for the price one. An old ruined castle and a classic car collection. Except that the castle doesn't look as old as it actually is (being one of the first brick built examples) and you're not allowed to photograph any of the cars in the exhibition hall. I don't mind the first bit, but the second annoyed me, especially as they weren't giving us the hard sell to buy pictures, postcards or souvenir programmes on the way out. Perhaps they're overly paranoid about the cars being photographed and then stolen to order...? Anyhoo, I took a load of pictures of the castle and of the exhibits outside the main hall and have whacked them up on flickr in my Caister Castle Car Collection set.
• Sea Life Centre - We were saving this for a rainy day, but in the end it didn't rain so we ended up going on the Friday. There were plenty of things to see and look at and I have to say it was well laid out. No problems with photography here although they did ask you to refrain from using your flash. (Not the first time I've been asked to refrain from flashing in public...) Sadly, a fair few of me pictures turned out to be slightly out of focus. Never mind, I've salvaged the best and stuck them up on flickr in my Sea Life Centre set. The one downside of the visit for me was that the last exhibits were the seahorses and these always seem to make me feel melancholy for some reason. So instead of walking into the gift shop feeling cheery and ready to splash the cash, I just wanted to go home. Is it just me that feels like this about seahorses?
• The rest of the holiday Most of the rest of the holiday was spent within the confines of the camp. Which was alright - there was plenty for the kids to do, the beach was right next door and the pub opened at 8 in the morning for brekkie... And there was entertainment laid on every night, so there was always something to do just about every minute of the day. Good fun, and of course, pictures available on flickr in my Holidee 2009 set. I just wish I'd booked a couple of days of either side so that I had time to energise myself before I went and to recover when I got back... Lesson learned for next time.

UA Europe Conference - For the first time in ages I managed to persuade an employer to send me off to a conference. I couldn't manage to get them to stump up for me to go to LavaCon in New Orleans, sadly, so had to make do with the UA Conference in Cardiff. Can't say I've had any great times in Cardiff, to be honest, but that's probably because I've only been there to see Crewe get beaten... Anyway, that all changed this time round, because I had a great time - met some good people, learned some interesting things, heard some inspirational presentations and even managed to get a beer or two down me neck. Not sure exactly how much of it is directly applicable to my work at the moment (apart from the single-sourcing stuff) but all very interesting in a geeky way. Did you know that HTML 5 is coming, for example? I didn't.

Crewe Alexandra - Have to start wondering what's going on down at Gresty Road these days. Amid rumours of impending financial meltdown, the club have sacked a manager for the second time in less than year. I wasn't too disappointed to see Gudjon Thordarson get the heave-ho, to be honest, because we weren't playing attractive football, weren't winning and weren't developing our young players for the future. We lost two promising Academy graduates to Stoke during the summer due to GT's attitude towards them, apparently, That's not to say GT didn't do some good things - he signed two useful central defenders from non-league for nothing, got Zola fit enough to play 12 games in a row, sent a couple of lads to Iceland to get more experience and got rid of a lot of useless players over the summer. Sadly, he also sold two of our better players for next to nothing. In the end a run of four defeats including a dismal thrashing at Accrington Stanley and a woeful home loss to Bury was enough for the board to pull the plug. Dario has stepped into the breach once more and with only one training session got the team playing football again. There were promising signs in the defeat at home to Rotherham (although the defence and goalkeeper still looked suspect) and then a good win at Bradford. A painful loss at home to local rivals Port Vale got some fans grumbling, and they grumbled some more after the defeat at Notts County, but the recovery appeared to have started with a fine win at Cheltenham. Sadly, it all went titsup yesterday at York, where Crewe looked comfortable for 85 minutes and then conceded two late goals to crash out of the FA Cup at the first hurdle. I think there might be a bit more pain to come before we settle down and start fulfilling our potential. At least we can concentrate on the league now! In the longer term, Dario is pretty much likely to remain in charge till the end of the season and then things will be reviewed. Hopefully this signals the start of a proper succession plan, with assistant manager Steve Davis being groomed by Dario to gradually step up and take over first team affairs. Onwards and upwards. Hopefully.

Music stuff - Probably forgotten at least one of the gigs I've been to in the last couple of months, so apologies if you were expecting me to review your band. One of the things I can remember is that Sgt Wolfbanger have finally put their album out. 'Think Inside The Box', is the name of it and it's available from all good record sellers. And some crap ones. Actually, you can download it track-by-track from Amazon, or order the CD (cheaper than the download) online from bigCartel. Another of the things I can remember is going to see Wolfbanger, along with Bathroom Crooners and Heebie Jeebies supporting Slow Club. Bathroom Crooners opened the night. I liked them when I saw them last time, but this time I was a little disappointed. I think I was probably disappointed by the lack of original material as much as anything. They were just breaking in a new drummer and so were working round that, but I wanted to hear their songs not their covers of other people's. But maybe that was just me. Still think they can live without the ukulele cover of a Peaches song though. The other thing I noticed was that lead singer Sam was stuck behind his keyboards all gig, even when he didn't actually play them on a song. Think he needs to find a way to get out from behind them every now and then, to be honest - break the barrier the keyboards create. Next up were Sgt Wolfbanger, who were excellent as usual. Frontman Dan (that's a description by the way, not a nickname like he's in some Guy Ritchie-directed gangster musical) has really grown into the role and has a real stage presence now. Buy their album, see how good they are. Or at least check out their myspace page. Penultimate band were Rotherham's Heebie Jeebies. Frankly, I could live without ever hearing from them again. Their recorded material is riff-heavy stuff marred by sub-Libertines vocal stylings. Live, they were a godawful, shouty mess. Finally, boy-girl-acoustic-duo, Slow Club. I was fearful of a twee-cum-kitsch overload and they were a bit winsome at times. but overall they were very entertaining in a light acoustic American-folk-type way. Best moment of all was probably their totally acoustic encore in the middle of the audience. The other musical extravaganza I recall is the inaugural Club Sumo night at Square One in Crewe. I have to say, first off, that being slightly drunk, I probably wasn't in the best position to judge how good it was. On the other hand, I can tell you that when acoustic song boy Chris whatever-his-name-was started off down the other end of the pub, I couldn't hear him properly over the murmurings of the assembled throng. It was a situation easily resolved by moving down to the other end of the pub, but I reckon it wouldn't have hurt to have turned his mic and guitar up a bit. Unlike the Sumo Kings, who kicked off their set with the guitars turned down and the bass prominent in the mix, giving us a garage-rock sound reminiscent of Pere Ubu. Sadly they ruined it by turning the guitars and vocals up and then they sounded a lot like any other shouty indie band. They're a good shouty indie band, make no mistake, but we're not short of those.

Anyway, in the midst of all that, you'll be delighted to know I've continued splurging on the old cheapo DVDs. And I've bought a few as well...

• Quarantine - another in the long line of Hollywood remakes-cum-rip-offs. Here, it's Spanish horror, [rec] that gets the treatment. A TV documentary crew join a fire brigade unit on a shout and find themselves sealed in an apartment block with a multiplying horde of rage-zombies. It all ends badly.
• Shrooms - Drugs are bad. And the wrong sort of drugs are really bad and can instead turn you into a psychotic killer. Here, some irritating American youths travel to Ireland to sample the magic mushrooms, like you do. The cute one ingests the wrong fungus and via some trippy, hallucinatory expositions, it all ends badly.
• Hannibal Rising - The origins of Hannibal Lecter. Turns out he wasn't born bad after all. Who knew? In fact, it all started when his parents were killed during the war and he and his younger sister are "rescued" by a ragged bunch of deserters. Sadly, they live in the middle of nowhere and food is in short supply. Younger sister doesn't last long once the meat runs out. Luckily the arrival of the Russian army saves Hannibal from being eaten. Post-war, Hannibal gets taken in by his uncle in France. His uncle who just happens to be married to a martial arts expert. A martial arts expert who trains him up for his revenge mission. It all ends badly for the surviving deserters, of course, and Hannibal escapes to America.
• Outpost - Nazi Zombie Movies. Bleedin' fousands of 'em! Well, maybe not, but one of a few that have hit the shelves recently (Dead Snow, Outpost, er, that other one...) Anyway, your man here rounds up a bunch of mercenaries in some war-torn Eastern European country and heads off to an abandoned Nazi bunker. The mercenaries think they're off to retrieve some gold or something, but your man is after some sort of doomsday device that turns soldiers into invincible zombies. Sadly for him there's already some invincible Nazi zombies guarding it and they're not letting it go without a fight. Predictably, it all ends badly.
• Replacement Killers - John Woo lends his name to this caper as Executive Producer and it certainly reflects his bullet-heavy style. 'Tis a simple tale of an assassin whose conscience prevents him doing a job and must deal with the consequences. The consequences being that the gang boss has put a price on his head AND is going to kill his family back home in China too. Luckily, our hero gets some assistance from a sassy, beautiful forger. And while it's all ending badly for all our hero's other associates (and most of his would-be assassins) the two of them find a way through. It doesn't end too badly.
• O Brother, Where Art thou? - Light comic romp with George Clooney and two accomplices escaping from a chain gang and having various misadventures as they try to stay one step ahead of the chasing pack, while heading for George's home town so he can see his wife and children again. It doesn't end badly.
• Ideal Series 3 & 4 - More misadventures of Manchester's laziest drug dealer. His attempts to have a peaceful life are once again de-railed as things get ever more complicated. There's more capers with Psycho Paul's gang, Judith next door, some born-again Christian plumbers and the usual disintegration of relationships. Lots of things end badly.
• Shark in Venice - Ludicrous nonsense involving sunken treasure and sharks in the waterways of Venice. It starts badly, tails off in the middle and the less said about the end, the better...
• What Lies Beneath - I really wanted to see this at the cinema when it came out but was over-ruled by the mob and forced to watch Pitch Black instead. It's OK, I'm not bitter. Well, not any more. Or any less. The lovely Michelle Pfeiffer thinks she's being haunted and grumpy hubby Harrison Ford is no help. I wonder why..? Probably because he's read through to the end of the film and knows that it's all going to turn into a confused mess. It all ends badly. But not in a good way. In a "what the frick was that waste of my time all about" way, in fact.

And that really is enough for now. Hopefully next time, I'll be able to tell you how hilarious William Shatner's latest book is, or list the CDs by bands you've never heard of that I have purchased. I doubt it though - I'll probably be spending most of the time apologising for the lack of updates, assuming you haven't lost interest. Just remember, the update arc of the fatfakir universe is long but it bends towards eventuality...

Go on, stick your oar in:

They squat in the cottages of our ancestors, making bloody pottery

Saturday 1st August

Apologies for the lack of updates on the website. There have been sporadic updates on thief-of-time.com, or Facebook as it's more widely known, but I really ought to keep this thing a more up-to-date. And, as I'm sure I've said before, I ought to do it more often because I end up with a massive update to do, like now, if I don't. Anyway, I haven't been updating because I've been doing other stuff. Yeah, Jim in social life shocker! Hold the front page...

First up was a weekend away in Blackpool to celebrate my friend Kerri's birthday. I won't say which, because a gentleman never reveals a lady's age. (First one to suggest that neither I am a gentleman nor Kerri a lady gets a slap!) There were about ten of us (I think) made the trip up on Friday afternoon and we were joined by a couple more on the Saturday. What goes on tour, stays on tour, of course, although I do remember gatecrashing some scantily-clad hen party's photo-opportunity... I expect that'll turn up on t'Internet somewhere, with a "who is this fat basket ruining our picture?" label on it. Anyway, it was a very enjoyable weekend of beers, beers and more beers. True to form, I did nod off for substantial periods on both Friday and Saturday nights and struggled to down beers on Sunday morning. Think I might be getting too old for this sort of malarkey... There are pictures on Facebook, but I'm not telling you where they are.

The following weekend I took a trip, with my sister, Liz, and her husband, Roger, "oop Narth" to visit my older brother, Mark, and his wife, Kate, at their swanky pad near Leeds. We were joined there by my younger brother, Eddy, for a civilised afternoon-cum-evening-cum late-night of drinking and dining and generally catching up. As we don't get together that often - having last met up at our Grandpa's funeral - it was nice to be able to catch up in more relaxed circumstances. Sadly, Eddy had to dash off on Sunday morning. Always the way, but if he will grow up and get responsible... The rest of us enjoyed a leisurely breakfast and the warm summer sunshine (whatever happened to that?) in the garden. All too soon it was time to leave though.

I then had a couple of weekends pottering about. Well one weekend of pottering and one weekend of semi-pottering and looking after my sister's kids for a night. And then it was time for the the annual works BBQ. As always it was a pleasant chance to be able to toss aside the cares/pressures of work and socialise with colleagues. And this year, we had a quiz. Which my team won. Of course. Post-BBQ (and a bit of a kip) it was off up to The Box (a venue I don't visit often enough) to see Sgt Wolfbanger in action, supporting Attack! Attack! (not to be confused with Attack Attack! of course...) I arrived to hear some fairly heavy sounds going on courtesy of some band or other. Sorry whoever you were, but at this remove I can't remember your name or find the info on t'Internet on who you were. Post shouty-rock, Sgt Wolfbanger gave us a fairly truncated set (just seven songs) but still managed to remind us why there's such a buzz about them at the moment. I missed most of the headline set by Attack! Attack! as I was outside trying to cool down a bit, but from what I heard I missed a cracking set. On the other hand, if I'd stayed inside I probably would have melted! Following the Wolfbanger experience, there was a day rehydrating and then, on the Sunday morning, it was off down to deepest Warwickshire for the annual Lawrence family gathering. We normally get together at the end of June but this year we had to re-arrange as our host was unavailable. Unfortunately, this meant that other family members weren't available, so we were down by about half the usual suspects. Also, due to our host's other commitments, there was no barbecue but instead amix of pizzas and stuff for the kids and for us adults, an enormous Indian takeaway. Still, we all had a jolly time and enjoyed a rather delicious curry. And there was a first for me - I managed to bring some beer back with me! Usually I drink it all, but this year, being forced to socialise a bit more and stuff my face with delicious food prevented me from managing my quota. I really must be getting too old for this malarkey.

As my social whirl continued, interrupted by occasional visits to the office, I found the time for my trip to Grimsby for a nostalgic weekend with Steve and Kev came round somewhat faster than expected. Having booked the afternoon off, my plan to get home for a bite to eat and a cup of tea was scuppered by an unreliable train and the necessity of going shopping on the way back from the station. So I was a bit flustered when Steve arrived in his (wife's) swanky Audi TT, to whisk me me across the country. Still, what was I worried about - I could eat my sandwich and drink my drink whilst Steve had to concentrate on the driving. He got us there safely (obviously) and there was just time for a cup of tea and a freshen up before it was off out to hit the town. First stop was the "new" college bar. I say new, but it's been there a few years. It was new to me and Steve though - when we were students in Grimsby, the nearest bar to the campus was the Wheatsheaf pub. Given that they were offering beer at student prices it was daft not to resist, although we probably stayed a bit too long. (In case you're wondering how we got in the student bar, I ought to point out that Kev is now a lecturer at the Grimsby College.) From t'college it was off to town, via the Wheatsheaf for some fish and chips before moving on to take in a few of the old haunts before stumbling up the stairs to Gullivers. Hard to believe that the place is still going, to be honest, but as the one alternative venue in town I guess it'll always get business. It hasn't changed that much since I was a regular, although the one notable change was that there's now a man in the gents trying to flog you tat while you're having a wee. Given the size of Gullivers toilet, there's no way to avoid him. It was most off-putting. Of course, that's about all I remember of Gullies, because I fell asleep. Proof positive that I'm getting too old for this malarkey... Saturday morning, after a restorative fried brekkie in Cleethorpes, it was off to the smallest pub in the world for a few liveners before making our way back into the centre of Cleethorpes for more booze, a bazillion games of pool, more booze, a curry and more booze. Oh, and some more booze. Trouble was that being old farts we couldn't manage the vast quantities of beer we could in our heyday, so by about 8 o'clock we were on the Vodka and Red Bulls and in danger of actually sobering back up again! Still, at least they were keeping me awake! A few more beer and a deciding game of pool (I am the supreme pool-playing champion of the universe or something. Or best out of me, Steve and Kev) and it was time to call it a night. Sunday, we had a leisurely breakfast and then a gentle tootle back home. All very pleasant and we'll have to do it again.

The following Friday, as if my liver hadn't suffered enough, I joined up with a load of ex-colleagues (and new friends) from MDS for the Rail Ale Trail. I've mentioned it before on here, but for the uninitiated, this is basically a train-based pub crawl from Warrington to Dewsbury and back, calling at Stalybridge, Huddersfield, Dewsbury, Huddersfield, Marsden and Stalybridge, which all have bars on or near the station. Trains are about every 45 minutes to an hour, giving you plenty of time to sample the real ales on offer. Or sip some lager, if you must. And because all the bars are in close proximity, it's not a pub crawl that's really affected by the weather. This year there was a pretty large turn-out and it was good to catch up with a few old colleagues and that. I nearly missed the train at Marsden due to going to the chippy and am not entirely sure how I got back from Manchester, as I was extremely drunk, but get home I did and I had a great time, I believe.

The following Friday I was off back up to The Box to catch The Lockdown playing one of their final gigs before the lads all bugger off to University. Despite comedy capers with a delayed train, I still managed to arrive in time to catch Secret Fiction, and I'm glad I did. Proper old skool indie, reminiscent of bands like The Monochrome Set, early Orange Juice, Felt, The Brilliant Corners, them types. Very enjoyable. By complete contrast, I could live without seeing Bad Attitude ever again. Definitely not my cup of tea - I'm not a massive fan of heavy rock, anyway - and compounded by the vocalist's appalling mid-Atlantic accent. I was half-expecting a shout of "Hello Cleveland! How ya doin'?" to be honest. Still, there were laughs to be had at the expense of their over-enthusiastic cheerleader. With pretty much a homer crowd, The Lockdown didn't have to try too hard, but they showed that they'd learned the lessons of their last headline spot at The Box and were much tighter this time round, delivering a set chock full of top tunes. They were still a little unsure how to handle the encore, but that's a minor quibble. Top notch entertainment, again.

Saturday afternoon, having recovered from the Lockdown gig, it was off to Leamington Spa for my mate John's 40th birthday. Many beers were consumed and I had a good time. I don't see John often enough, but then that's probably true for all my friends. I'm a bit rubbish at keeping in touch. Well, a lot rubbish really. Anyway, Leamington Spa is a lovely town, John and family have a fantastic house with a splendid garden and I really ought to make sure it's a lot less than four years before I go a-visiting again. Maybe next summer, during the close season... And next time I'll remember to take my train timetable with me so I don't end up having an hour's wait at Birmingham on the way back.

Despite my gallivanting up and down and across the country, I have, still found time to indulge my fetish for cheap DVDs. And this month, I have even managed to pick up a few that are better than alright. This month I have purchased and viewed the following:

• Magnolia - Tom Cruise has been in some right tat in the course of his career but this almost makes up for all that. Almost. It's hard to explain without making it sound either weird or just rubbish, but this is a quality film.
• Young Frankenstein - Gene Wilder as the grandson of the famous Herr Doktor, trying to live down his grandpa's reputation but ultimately giving in and trying to recreate the famous experiments. ably assisted by Marty Feldman as Igor. One of Mel Brooks's all-time classics, I fancy.
• Office Space - I have a friend who goes on about this, and has a red Swingline stapler that she's overly fond of, but until recently I had never seen it going cheap and, to be honest, the cover put me off a bit. I should have known better. A deeply cynical look at life in the cube farm.
• Lady Vengeance - Starts off appearing to be a straight-forward tale of a woman who took the rap for a lover and now wants revenge on him, but then sudddenly whacks you with with a whole new world of pain. I felt as if I'd been punched in the guts when the big reveal happened.
• The Notorious Bettie Page - a biopic of sorts of the the lovely Ms Bettie, who was a famous, erm, glamour model in the fifties and indeed rather lovely and not a little saucy. It's an interesting story but doesn't really add anything that aficianados of her life and work didn't already know.
• Sunshine - The sun is dying and a crew has been sent to re-ignite it. Sent in the unsuccessful footsteps of a previous attempt. And whaddya know, they find their predecessors and discover why their mission failed. But not before lots of them get bumped off, of course.
• Layer Cake - cor blimey guv'nor, if it ain't a little gangster movie starring a few good old British thesps and Daniel 'James Bond' Craig.
• War of the Worlds - Tom Cruise pisses all over the goodwill engendered by his appearance in Magnolia by starring in this awful re-make. The Special FX and that might be top notch but the plot is pretty woeful and Mr Cruise appears to be sleepwalking through the film. In fact you probably could have just edited together bits of any of his last ten roles to make this film.
• Silent Movie - proof perhaps that not everything Mel Brooks does is saturated with genius. It has its moments, of course, but it also drags at times.
• Hot Shots/Hot Shots Part Deux - 'I loved you in Wall Street!' Ahh the spoof - the sort of stuff Charlie Sheen did so much. Fair enough. take the money. These are OK and came in a double pack for £2.99, so I ain't complaining. So there.
• Monty Python - Almost Everything Box Set - surely the bargain of the month. A 15 disc (yes, fifteen) for a mere nine pounds and ninety-nine pence, courtesy of those generous folks at Morrisons. Not got through much of it yet, but I will. Might even make a side project out of it...
• Ideal Series 1 & 2 - The misadventures of Johhny Vegas' hapless small-time dealer. You must have seen an episode or two surely?
• Watchmen - the 2 Disc Special Edition, which wasn't cheap actually and doesn't contain the Tales of the Black Freighter on the second disc as I was originally led to believe. Arse. Still, the film itself didn't disappoint. I could complain about the stuff that got left out and the change in the crucial plot development at the end but unless you're a fanboy like me, you probably won't notice. Top stuff, in spite of what Alan Moore might think.

Anyway, that's yer lot. I would add more but I've got to go and have a couple hours kip before getting up to pack me bag and bomb off on holiday. Next time round I'll upload all me photos and give you reports on the Nantwich Show and International Cheese Festival and my holiday. Possibly.

Go on, stick your oar in:

That was the weekend that was

Wednesday 3rd June

I was going to start with a rhetorical question about why you always feel knackered after a Bank Holiday weekend but, frankly, I know the reasons why I felt so tired last week. Three days and four nights of taking in the gigs of Crewe's Volume Festival did me in, not to mention the all-day drinking....

Things kicked off on Thursday evening with a few beers as part of the Crewe Blog get-together, timed to coincide with the start of the festival. Opening proceedings, in Bar 22 were female duo Sahreal. Undoubtedly talented (and attractive, it must be said) their keyboard, violin and twin vocals are very easy on the ear. Sometimes a little too easy, but that's a minor quibble and one easily addressed by adding some more instruments. Promising start. From Bar 22, the Crewe Blog gathering rolled onto Square One where former Seahorses front man Chris Helme was doing a solo spot. He went down particularly well with the crowd, and clearly has a great voice, but I'm not a particular fan. (Feel free to point out that I've not performed on stage in more than 20 years, any time you like!) Moving swiftly on and under the influence of slightly too much alcohol, it was off to The Box for Mutha Humbucker, who were preceded by bonus solo artiste Jasmine (at least I think that was her name). She was alright although didn't make a lasting impression on me. The main act, the aforementioned Mutha Humbucker, are very good at what they do but I guess whether you like them or not will depend on your tolerance for rock-based cover acts. I don't mind them and they were good at it, so it was win-win for me. On the other hand, on the drink front it was lose-lose as I over-indulged and nodded off at the bar...

In my defence, I had been at work since the early morning, I hadn't had anything to eat since lunchtime and it was the end of a very long day...

Feeling rough on Friday was not good, as I had to get up early and travel over to Yorkshire for my granddad's funeral. Luckily, I was getting a lift and so could spend the journey dozing and slowly rehydrating with a bottle of cola. One of the first disapoointments of arriving in Conisbrough was finding that Butt Hole Road has been renamed Archers Way, as reported in your super, soaraway Sun (and several other newspapers) last week. On the bright side, it should be noted that Backside Lane in Warmsworth still exists. Anyway, the other disappointment was finding that none us had won the sweep on guessing what time Eddy would turn up, because he was already there by there by the time we arrived. After a brief rendezvous at my parents house, if it was off round to grandpa's and the sombre business of his funeral at St Peter's Church, Conisbrough. Although, funerals are never joyous occasions, it was hard to be too sad at this one. The grand old man had racked up 94 and a half years and, for us grandchildren, all we have of him are happy memories - his cheeky smile, his terrible jokes, his sharp wit, and his general warmth. And if those things weren't enough, we had the "comedy" moments of the funeral - the reluctantly-lighting candle, the vicar's inability to pronounce the word 'cordwainer' (he kept putting an extraneous 's' in the middle of it) and the organist who didn't seem to know the hymns. Those things though, were the sort of little things that would have amused him. That said, it was also a little humbling, during the eulogy, to be reminded that the kindly old man that I fondly remember had served with distinction alongside the Gurkhas during the Second World War. It also gave me great pride to see so many people turn out at the church for his service. I hope I can pull a crowd even half that size when I pop me clogs. Anyway, after the service it was a trip to the crematorium for final farewells, and then off to the wake. Which mostly consisted of catching up with the relatives that we hadn't recognised when we met at the church... It was nice to catch up with relatives I don't see very often, albeit under sad circumstances. There was still time for a brief stop off back at my parents house for more cups of tea (I was awash with the stuff!) before heading off back home.

Anyway, as a result of the events of the day on Friday, I was too frazzled to even contemplate going out when I got back home, so missed out on Sgt Wolfbanger, Sad Day for Puppets and other assorted delights. On the other hand there was still Saturday, Sunday and Monday to get through...

I joined the party a little after kick-off on Saturday, heading up to Square One to catch the Sumo Kings doing an acoustic set, as their appearance later in the day was scheduled to clash with The Lockdown. As it turned out a number of 'technical difficulties' meant that Sumo Kings gave us a full-on electric set and very good it was too. These guys have really moved it up a notch since I saw them last year. Top notch. From thence, my carefully laid plans went to pot as I met up with Mr Crewe Blog and a couple of other friends. We ended up watching some footy (the League 2 Play Off Final, to be exact) and thus I missed Autumn Fall at the Bank and the next act I caught was Seb Green at The Express. Despite the name, they turned out to be a decent band, not a solo act. Not sure how much Mr Crewe Blog saw as he was distracted by the arrival of Ipso Facto (more of whom later) and went off to get some informal snaps. From there it was hotfoot to The Bank to catch Yes Sensei, who fulfilled the criterion for all female-fronted rock groups by being fronted by a female... They were pretty good although, as with last year, the sound was too loud inside the actual pub and it sounded better out in the beer garden. Oh and minus points to The Bank for having run out of a lot of draught beers by early Saturday evening. Once they'd finished we moved back to The Express to catcha bit of The Decision. I'd not had them on my list due to the bland name, but as is usual at festivals, it's the bonus bands that turn out to be quite good. As the sun finally set, it was on to Bar 22 to see me old faves, The Lockdown. Much better performance this time round and although I'm still not convinced by the solo spot for the guitarist in the middle, it was much slicker than their appearance at The Box. After that, it was a quick dip into Square One to catch the second half of the set by Sway, an excellent covers band. They were running a bit late so we got more than I expected. Very enjoyable. I left before the end though, anxious to catch the psychedelic goth-pop of London cuties Ipso Facto at The Box. As it was, everything was running behind schedule and we arrived in time to see support act Bleached Wail take the stage. Blistering punky-rock, I think would be a fair description. I do think they need an extra guitarist to flesh out the sound a little more and to give the lead singer/guitarist a bit of a break at times, but that's a minor quibble. Finally, way past their scheduled start time, Ipso Facto took the stage. As predicted by Eddy (my younger brother), they weren't actually very thrilling but they are very fit. And their set ended rather abruptly. Ah well, never mind, time to go home and get some sleep in readiness for Sunday's marathon.

Sunday. The traditional day of rest. And yet there's no rest for the wicked, even on a Sunday. A decent breakfast, a couple of hours vegetating in front of the Monaco Grand Prix and then it was off to catch Sgt Wolfbanger in acoustic action at Square One. Except it wasn't Wolfbanger, but brother of Sgt Wolfbanger in action when I arrived. Can't knock him - he was very good - but he wasn't what I was expecting. And then there was another glitch in my plans as I was dragged away (no, really, totally against my will) to watch some more football on the telly and drink more dirty beer. By the time the footy had finished and I'd had a bite to eat it was time to catch The Clay Faces. Jolly folky-punky Levellers-cum-Men They Couldn't Hang-types they were (although they'll probably hate that description) and definitely worth going to see if you're into that sort of t'ing. They were a refreshing contrast too. I then staggered round to Square One to catch the saucy rock'n'roll antics of Gundogs. No denying the young ladies that front the band are easy on the eye, but musically they were no different to a hundred "rawk" bands I've heard before and their writhing stage antics neither new nor special (Hole, L7, Rock Bitch...). Perhaps I'm getting a bit old but I'd rather they concentrated on having some memorable songs. Mind, worse was to come. I headed down to the M Club to sample the atmosphere of the Punk all-dayer and try to catch a bit of the headliners, one-hit wonders, The Members. Sadly, there was no atmosphere. A bit of a cock-up on the planning front meant that the advertised all-dayer didn't actually start till 7pm and there was no information about any other bands that might have been playing. (As I understand it Wasted Life played and that was it.) Consequently there weren't many people in there and The Members had already started when I arrived. Judging from the quality of their new material it was probably just as well I missed some of it, though. Clearly even the few die-hard punks who were still there didn't like it. They saved their one hit, 'Sound of the Suburbs', till last and once that was done, I was out of the door (as indeed were the band, by all accounts). I headed back to The Box hoping to catch a bit of Silvertone Prophet Deluxe and The Old Romantic Killer Band and as I arrived Flux were just finishing. They were then followed by Highwired, a late addition to the bill, who opened with an Arctic Monkeys number. Alright, it wasn't an Arctic Monkeys number but it sounded so much like one, it might as well have been. Their second number was no less a carbon copy. I was so flipping irritated that I left. Alright, it wasn't just irritation - I was also hot, tired and little drunk. Given how knacked I felt on Monday morning, the early departure was probably no bad thing.

Monday. Final day of the festival and a bit of a chilled-out day. I only caught a few acts. First up were Bathroom Crooners, who were quirky, interesting and a little rough round the edges. From The Imp it was a swift trot to Square One to catch half of Heart of the Sun doing a few acoustic numbers before a stagger off to see synth-based electropop of Monochrome. From there it was back to Square One for some more acoustic stuff (from The Retrospective, I believe, although I'm not certain) before catching the train home for a relatively early night ahead of work on Tuesday.

So what are my reflections of the event? Well, overall, fantastic. Plenty of good bands seen, not too much walking done between venues and beer had at all stops on route. Stand out memories, in no particular order - Sway, Sahreal, Clay Faces, Sumo Kings, Ipso Facto (merely for being gorgeous), Bathroom Crooners. Frustrations - not being able to see all the bands that I wanted due to scheduling clashes or general knackeredness on my part, and that there wasn't an event like this 25 years ago, when I was a young, thrusting bass player in an aspiring indie band. Disappointments - well, I wasn't sold on the M Club's Punk All-dayer idea, but they really fecked that up; the annoying thing being that that reflected badly on the rest of the fest, which went really well. One noticeable thing about this year's festival was that the standard of bands had improved immensely on last year. And there were a lot of local bands popping up - this was a great showcase for local bands. Can't help thinking that next year it might be worth trying to get one of the national music press chaps to come and cover the event. I'm already looking forward to it.

I'm still waiting for this film Mega Shark versus Giant Octopus to be available on Amazon. It looks like a fantastic bit of nonsense, which clearly it is. It would have got a cinematic realease otherwise, surely? In case, you're wondering just how big the Mega Shark is, I can tell you without fear of spoiling the film that it's big enough to take a substantial bite out of the Golden Gate Bridge. And the Giant Octopus? Big enough to smash a submarine without too much effort. It looks soooo much like a B-Movie classic that I can't help feeling I might be a little disappointed.

And on the subject of visual trickery, I've seen a fantastic, if rather swear-heavy, treatment of The Apprentice. Any regular vistors to b3ta.com will have already seen it, so apologies if you have, although I make no apologies for extending it's shelf-life. I have long been a fan of Cassetteboy's audio work, but hadn't been aware he was branching out into video. Here, in all it's Not Safe For Work, sweary glory is Cassetteboy vs The Bloody Apprentice. Genius. Check out some of the related videos too - especially the David Attenborough and Gordon Brown ones.

And that's about it for this time. I'm sure I've forgotten to mention some blatant consumerism on my part (or crappy DVDs, as everyone else calls them). Got a couple of weekends away lined up so might risk taking my camera and grabbing some snaps. One of those weekends is in Blackpool though, so perhaps I might not. You'll just have to imagine me in my string vest and 'Kiss Me Quick' hat, staggering along the prom at four in the morning...

Go on, stick your oar in:

George Stanley Coe

28/11/1914 - 11/05/2009

Rest in peace, Grandad. 94 years young, died after a short illness. Much missed already.

Go on, stick your oar in:

Tuesday 12th May

...and I won the half-time draw. Which was nice.

Well, you may have noticed, I've changed my logo. Not sure if I'm happy with it myself, to be honest, but I thought I'd give it a go and see how I feel after a month or two. Yes, I did design it myself, which probably explains the blocky, dated look. I've actually had this sort of font knocking around as part of another project. A project that doesn't seem to be getting anywhere, so I re-used the graphic idea. You'll also be delighted to learn that I've now got a Facebook page where you can find out my real name, apply to be my friend and, er, read occasional postings from me. You can either use the link or the handy Facebook logo to your left. Get thee hence and get clicking through to me!

Anyway, you'll be delighted to know that not only have I changed my logo but I've also been maintaining my commitment to kick-starting the economy by the purchase of cheap CDs and DVDs. This months bargains include:

• The Rutles - The Rutles - A re-issued version of the soundtrack to the original Rutles mockumentary. Includes a few tracks not included on the original CD apparently, but as I didn't buy that, it makes no odds. What we have here though is Neil Innes accurately pastiching every element of The Beatles back catalogue. Outside of the context of the film though, these songs stand up as well as any and, unlike most comedy recordings, bear repeated listening.
• The Transformed Man - William Shatner - Quite frankly, staggering. A concept album like no other. Because no other features Captain Kirk, declaiming like Laurence Olivier on drugs and backed by lush orchestral arrangements. Beyond that simple description, I don't know how I can do it justice. If you've not heard any Shatner - check out his rendition of Elton John's Rocketman, on youtube. And that's tame compared to some of the stuff on the album...
• So Tonight That I May See - Mazzy Star - Starts off with the simply mesmerising 'Fade Into You' but then goes a bit downhill and gets a bit samey. Worth having for the opening track alone though.
• Blade Runner (The Final Cut) - A second revisiting of his classic film by director Ridley Scott. Better than the Director's Cut, as it's closer to the original film, and you'll be pleased to know that the new SpecialFX don't alter the story in any way, unlike George Lucas' digital trickery on the Star Wars trilogy.
• 28 Days Later - Danny 'Trainspotting' Boyle's zombie horror flick. I went to see this on it's cinematic release back in 2002. It's still slightly disappointing. Some of it is very good but there are occasional passages of arty nonsense which undermine it. On the other hand, it is an intelligent re-imagining of the zombie genre. I think however, I'll stick with my initial judgement that as a monkey-infecting-humans movie it's better than Outbreak but not as good as Braindead.
• 28 Weeks Later - Sequel to the above, featuring precisely none of the cast of the original. And none of the invention of the original. (Although Danny Boyle and original writer Alex Garland are credited as Executive Producers, I reckon that this is only because they had the rights to the original concept. They certainly didn't have a hand in the script or direction.) This is pretty much your standard zombie-cum-peril movie. Bob Carlyle's wife turns out to be immune to the Rage virus, which is handy when he abandons her in order to save his own skin. Bob's kids also turn out to be immune, which is also handy when Bob gets infected by his returning wife and then infects everyone else. An Army medic teams up with a soldier to try to get the kids, and assorted other characters, to safety. Along the way everyone dies, except the kids and they get flown off to infect France...
• Monty Python and the Holy Grail - classic Python, picked up cheap at Morrisons. A jolly romp through the mythology of King Arthur and the holy grail, if you don't know.
• The Life of Brian - Likewise picked up cheap at Morrisons. A jolly romp through the life of Jesus, except that it's not Jesus but a guy called Brian, who is mistaken for the Messiah. Still banned in Ireland, I believe.
• Last King of Scotland - picked up cheap in Morrisons (can you spot a pattern here?) but I haven't had chance to watch it yet. I might get round to it once I've finished this update.
• Saw V - The fifth instalment in the Saw canon and one that hints at closure. Well, there's closure of a kind, but even though Jigsaw himself died at the end of the third film, they've managed two more without him and there's plenty of scope for another. This time round, his assistant is continuing Jigsaw's work but has an FBI agent hot on his trail. Plenty of flashbacks to retro-fit the storyline to the previous films, which works well. And a somewhat downbeat end.
• There Will Be Blood - picked up cheap in Morrisons, again but, again, I've not yet had chance to watch it. Meant to be very good, which is why I bought it, of course.
• Snatch - Guy Ritchie's kind-of-sequel to Lock, Stock etc, that isn't a sequel really. If you don't take it seriously, and given Brad Pitt's accent I'm not sure how you can, it's an enjoyable caper. A caper with a lot of swearing and violence, obviously, but a caper nonetheless.
• Mum & Dad - Grimy, suburban Brit-horror, in which a homicidal cabbie and his sadistic wife, living by Heathrow, prey on the vulnerable. Their dysfunctional "family" gains a new member when Polish cleaner, Lena, is lured back to their house. Trapped in their House of Horrors she can either join them or die. Or wait for her chance and escape, killing Mum, Dad and daughter Birdie on the way. So which do you think she does? Yep, goes for the third option. There's a lot of horror and violence on the way, of course, but escape she does. It's a bit grim but in the end, it doesn't deliver anything I haven't seen before.

All this blatant consumerism has served as a welcome distraction from the fate of my little smashers, Crewe Alexandra, who flirted with escaping the drop but failed to win in their last ten games. In the end they were relegated back to the fourth tier of English football for the first time in fifteen years, going down with little more than a whimper in a tame defeat by champions Leicester. Not that I was there to see it - a dismal defeat away at Stockport eight days earlier had virtually guaranteed relegation and having witnessed that I was in no mood to see the final throes. It was all a bit disheartening and I'm having the summer off and won't be thinking about the footy too much until fixture lists come out... in about six weeks time!

In marked contrast to Crewe, Nantwich Town continued their recent excellent progress on the field and finished the season third in the Unibond Premier League. They had a little dip in form towards the end of the season but having exceeded all expectations in getting into the top six that was only to be expected. Sadly they narrowly missed out on promotion, losing a close play-off final at Ilkeston in a match that went to extra-time. I'm sure that once the disappointment has worn off the players will be able to feel proud of what they achieved and if Steve Davis stays on as manager, I'm also sure he'll be pushing the team to go one better next season.

Gigs. They're like buses. But not in the usual cliched sense of waiting for ages and then four come along at once. More in the sense that they're over-priced, full of sweaty people that you wouldn't normally associate with, and don't usually take you to exactly where you want to go. And sometimes they leave you stranded miles from home... All of which is a bit of a pre-amble to mentioning that I saw The Lockdown in action a few weeks back, headlining at The Box. To tell the truth it wasn't their most polished performance but given that they were studying for exams at the time, they can probably be excused a little. I hope they've learned though that it's not enough to simply turn up and hope for the best. We'll soon find out as they're playing at Bar 22 on Saturday 22nd May as part of the Volume Festival. The fest, for those who can't be bothered to click the link, sees a number of bands playing at a number of venues across Crewe over the late May Bank Holiday. I've already downloaded the line-up and am currently trying to work out a schedule that allows me to see as many bands as possible with the least amount of walking. Although more walking might mean less beer and, consequently, that I remember more of the bands I see...

Being a bit of a fat bloke, I was somewhat bemused recently to see a banner headline on The Sun proclaiming Fatties Cause Global Warming. In true Sun-style, there's a whole load of waffle from "scientists" stating that each overweight person contributes an extra tonne of greenhouse gases a year. All based on the "evidence" that global farming output is increasing to feed the fat people and that fat people are more likely to drive short distances rather than walk. Which you might think is reductively obvious. Of course, the same reductive science would also point out that you can reduce your contribution to global warming by not having children and by breathing less. Now, don't get me wrong, I acknowledge that as a tubster, I can help myself by eating less and exercising more (although I don't drive so I have to walk or use public transport) but it seems to me that global warming has become the latest stick with which to beat the overweight. Am I right? Or am I just getting unnecessarily over-worked over this ludicrously bad piece of journalism?

Go on, stick your oar in:

Previously on the Fat Fakir....