Sunday 17th August

Stop. Drop. And Roll.

Apologies for the lack of updates but I was busy and then I spent time recovering from being busy. It's been a little over two weeks since I went to the Nantwich Show and International Cheese Festival. It seems like it was ages ago and in web terms it probably was. Anyway, having moved back to Nantwich a few years ago, I now try to keep the last Wednesday of July free in my diary for the Show. Not because I'm particularly fond of agriculture or a cheese lover, but because it usually makes a good day out - thyere's a fine mix of traditional countryside pursuits on display, there are plenty of tat and junk food stalls to keep the kids amused and there are usually a couple of good attractions in the main arena. Plus there's more cheese on display in one place than you could possibly imagine. This year was no exception on the cheese front with a record of over 2,600 entries in the cheese classes. Ferom a small sideshow to themain agricultural show, the cheese festival has grown to be arguably the countries largest, and now attracts international cheeses to the competitive classes. You are no one in the cheese world if you haven't exhibited at Nantwich...

Anyway, after last year's cancellation of the agricultural show due to the excessive rainfall, it was somewhat troubling to wake on the day of the show to grey skies and persistent drizzle. Fortunately, the wind blew the rain away by about 10.30 and so at 11, with my two nephews in tow, I set off for the show, via town to stock up on drinks and stuff. Now, that was a wise move - if only I'd been able to stock up on burgers and ice cream too... Anyway we got up to the show around 11.45 and after parting with a substantial wedge of cash (must remember to buy tickets in advance next year) we were in. First stop was the programme seller for a show guide and a map. Establishing that we were going to miss the falconry display (damn!), we headed up to the Cheese marquee for a first look at the cheeses. After pottering around there for a bit we went to the main arena in preparation for the UK Freestyle MX Team. Unfortunately, due to the over-running of the horse competitons, we were stood in our spot for about an hour, during which time we missed out on opportunities to see the glass-blowing demonstration or have a look at the livestock arenas. (I did however have plenty of opportunity to spend a fortune feeding two bored kids...) Worse still, when the stunt bikers did come out, I realised I'd seen them (or someone very like them) before. So I was rather under-whelmed by their act. I think the kids enjoyed them though. Moving on from the arena, we took in the Mornflake Pavilion, which was the commercial end of the show - packed with various stalls flogging all kinds of produce. The kids loved the chocolate fountain stall and I reckon would have spent all their money there if I'd let them. I was more interested in the real ales myself. From there we had time for a leisurely stroll round the Arts and Crafts marquee before it was back to the main arena to witness the world's least daring stuntman and escapologist, Mark Stannage, and his family.

Now I love a good stunt as much as the next person, but in order for a stunt to succeed you have to convince the audience that there's an element of danger. An "Exploding box" which doesn't actually explode is a bit of a let-down even if said box is 60ft in the air at the time, but then I guess we wouldn't have hung around to see the "Bottom falling off a box" escape challenge... Likewise, the straitjacket escape hanging upside-down from a burning rope promised much but in the end it became clear that Hell was more likely to freeze over than for any of the supporting ropes to burn through so the frisson of danger soon dissipated. I don't think things were helped by the fact that the MC for the show was Mark's wife and I'm sure she's lovely and all that, but she's not a natural show-woman. Plus the incidental stuff to the two set-piece stunts was a little dull - the Fire Run (in a burning jacket) took place in the opposite corner of the arena, thus depriving about two-thirds of us a decent view, and the kid on the bike was impressive if he really is only 13, but frankly, he's been eating long chips for a lad of that age. Sadly, due to constraints of time we were unable to hang around for Mark Stannage's second performance when we might have been impressed by the Fiery Dive of Death, he was promising to perform.

From the main arena, with time ticking away, it was back to the Cheese tent with Will for a last look at some cheese and to attempt to grab some cheese for Dan (who had nicked off a bit earlier). We also still had time for an ice cream and a visit to the sweetshop before wending our way home, some six hours after we'd entered the showground. We didn't get to see any of the livestock this year, except for a close encounter with some bulls entering the main arena, which almost became an even closer encounter when they got involved in a cattle jam and one or two of them got a bit aggressive. I've never seen so many people move back so quickly as when a good tonne or more of aggrieved bull started swinging round to "have words" with the bull that had just hit him in the rear! Apart from that we missed out the falconry display, the glass-blowing demonstration s and one or two other things we ought to have got round to. I'm sure Dan would have liked a go on the climbing wall, for example, but by the time we found it, he was ready to go home. Anyway, I did take a fair few photos of the day, the best of which are available in my Nantwich Show photoset on Flickr. Enjoy.

After the excitememt of the Nantwich Show, I had a long weekend holiday, taking a relaxing break in Bridlington with my old mate, Kev. Lucky old Kev has just changed his job and is about to become a Senior Logistics Consultant at the Grimsby Institute or something like that. So, as he had some time to take off, and I needed a break, we fixed up a trip to the coast. We had originally planned to go camping but there were no vacancies at the nearby camp sites, so we had to rough it in a B&B for a couple of nights. We travelled up on Friday afternoon, meeting up at Doncaster station at lunchtime. In contrast to my usual luck with trains, I had no problems on my journey, so having set off an hour early, I had a n hour to kill on Donny station. I spent the time having breakfast and checking out the trains to Bridlington. When Kev arrived, he grabbed a sandwich and we found the right platform for our train. The journey to Bridlington was uneventful, except for the fact that the train went in to Hull and then back out, which was a bit puzzling. And also slightly annoying - we could have met at Hull as easily as Doncaster and it wouldn't have made much difference to either of our journey times. Still, we didn't know that. We got in theholiday mood by cracking open a beer or two and I gave Kev his copy of the list of pubs in Bridlington that I'd got off t'internet. The plan was to try to get round to as many of the 42 pubs on the list over the course of the weekend.

Arriving at Bridlington we noticed almost immediately that the station buffet, almost obscured by floral displays, wasn't on our list. After a brief photo opportunity, we gave it a miss anyway, and headed into town. Having by-passed The Cricketers because Kev didn't fancy the look of it, our first stop was The Half Moon. That was a much better choice. Not. If was writing an idealised, romantic view of the trip I'd describe the clientele as the unfortunate, down-trodden, forgotten, senior citizens of the town. But I'm not, so I'll describe them as nutters. Having ticked it off the list, we didn't stop for a second pint. We headed down to the sea front and a pub Kev knew would be alright - The Pavilion. Now that was really nice, except for the fact that it wasn't actually on our list. And the also the toilets were closed. By the time we left, I was in desperate need of a wee, so we stopped for a third pint in The Casino further down the Promenade. That was a decent place, although empty. It wasn't on our list either but we later discovered it was part of The Forum which was on the list. Having had a pint, taken a picture and emptied bladders, we headed off to check into our B&B, The Avalon Hotel. Having had a beer at the hotel bar, there was time for a quick wash and brush-up before we headed back out on the town. First stop was the Prior John for some tea. Then we had a stroll down to the harbour to give our tea time ot settle before attempting to carry on boozing. The next pub we visited was The George. This was a nice enough pub which has a view out over the harbour at the back. From there it was short stagger up the road to Jaz, which wasn't on our list. Turned out it used to be Bar 24, which was on the list. This was also the most expensive place we visited all weekend, with two triple gin and tonics coming in at little under a tenner. Yes, it serves us right for being a bit lightweight and going on the spirits but, even so, that's outrageous. Especially as they've got a board outside advertising "house triples £2.99 all day". Anyway, despite the fact that it wasn't much after 10pm, the day started catching up with us and we both nodded off, on separate occasions, so decided to call it a day. Kev at least had an excuse as he'd been out drinking till 3 in the morning, whereas I'd just gone to bed a bit late. Anyway, we headed off to the chippy before returning to the hotel for a nightcap and off to bed, hoping to hit a few more pubs on Saturday.

Saturday morning we were up for breakfast at 9 and after forcing a reasonable fried brekkie down us, it was off and out for the day's adventures. We were both feeling a bit rough, so took a stroll down the promenade in the hope that the sea air would help clear outr heads. It did alright, I think, although we should have picked up a bottle of Lucozade or two a bit earlier than we did. Having gone through the sea front amusements we ended up heading past the harbour and towards one of the other targets on our list. Unfortunately, the Bridlington Spa Catering didn't look open for customers and neither did any of the pubs that we canme across in the vicinity, except for the Yorkie's Bar (for Yorkshire folk) but I couldn't go in due to being Lancastrian. In the end we found The Hilderthorpe was open and setteld in there to read the papers and make use of their facilities. Our hoped-for peaceful Saturday pint was interupted by the arrival of a stag party, who were a bit loud AND sat on the table behind us. We would have moved on but the weather turned and there was a heavy shower going on. So we were forced to have another pint. When the rain stopped we supped up and moved on. On our way to the next pub, we were treated to the funniest sight of the weekend when an older gentleman walking along the road tripped on a kerb, stunmbled in comedy style and then slowly went down. As he got to pavement level, he rolled to minimise impact and rolled straight into a puddle. We did stop to check he was alright and helped him up but, to be honest, we were laughing about it for the next five hours. Next pub up was The Albion. A traditional pub kitted out with wood pannelling. It was also home to a parrot and had home videos of some sea salvage operations playing on the large screen at the other end of the bar. One operation sailed out of Grimsby, which we recognised, but once you've seen one condenser hauled up from a wreck, you've seen them all, I reckon. From the Albion it was on to The Coachman. We were the only customers, so took full advantage by settling into the back bar and shooting a few games of pool (I won 3-1, for the record). Once some more people came into the pub, we moved on. After a brief stop in a music shop for Kev to buy a cheap harmonica and for me to buy a couple of plectrums (plectra, perhaps?) we made it into The Station. There Kev had the first short of the day - a G&T, adorned with a lovely paper umbrella. After a quick toot on the old harmonica (and no, that's not a euphemism) we moved on, arriving at The Cricketers a mere 24 hours after we should have first visited it. In common with the previous two pubs, this one is slightly off the tourist route so was not too busy. It was even less busy once Kev got his harmonica out! After emptying that pub we made our way to THe Kings Arms. Another of Bridlington's decent boozers, this one has boxing memorabilia on the walls, including a pair of Joe Frazier's shorts. From there, my memory gets a bit confused. I know we went back to base and got changed (the camera never lies) but then the order of pubs we visited doesn't seem right. We definitely went to the Masala for tea and then to the New Inn, but somewhere along the way we fitted in Libertys, The Harbinger (of Doom) and the Beaconsfield Arms before astaggering off in search of the Hook and Parrott, which turned out to be shut. So we ended up in The Pavilion again. Transformed from the family pub of daytime to a lively disco-pub, with go-go dancers, we decided to stop there for a while. And there we stopped till late on, when we staggered by home at about two in the morning. Still, not that many pubs knocked off the list, but there wwas still Sunday morning...

Sunday morning was lovely and bright and the weather looked good. Which was more than I could say for me and Kev. I felt like tackling breakfast but Kev wasn't up to it. So We skipped it. Checking out of the hotel we set off for a stroll to the Old Town. Kev confused me by setting out in what seemed to be the wrong direction. Still, he claimed to know where he was going and, to be fair, we did get there in the end. Can't say I was too impressed though - once we got there everything except the paper shop was shut. There was about half a dozen of the pubs on our list there, but not a single one showed signs of life. Having had a rest and bought a drink, we headed back down to the harbour. By this time I was feeling rather peckish and had a slight headache, so wasn't in the best of moods. A mood not improved any when I realised that allt he pubs down the harbour end of town were shut too. We grabbed something to eat down by the harbour and I sat there sulking for a bit. After I'd cheered up a bit we had a discussion about plans for the day and decided to head off homewards. We got the train from Brid station just before 12 and arrived at Doncaster an hour and a hal later, to find that Kev would have to wait another hour for his connection. I could have legged it then, but decided to hang around and have a pint on Donny station with Kev. Well, the customer service in the Pumpkin buffet on Platform 3a left somethng to be desired. We stood by the bar (next to a man who had obviously been there a bit longer) but the woman serving behind the counter resolutely ignored us. Mind you, the bloke we were stood next to had started tapping on the bar to attract attention and frankly, I would have ignored him for that. When he finally spoke up, apparently, we weren't "in the queue" so she couldn't see us, let alone serve us. Quite how anyone was meant to detect that we had to queue at the food counter to get served in the bar area without using their psychic powers is beyond me. A sign on the bar, or even a quiet word to customers who made the mistake of queueing at the bar, might have been useful. Anyway, we finally got a beer, and then had a toastie, washed down with another beer before we parted company.

All in all, a decent weekend. With hindsight, we should have tackled the old town on Saturday afternoon and I should have packed less gear, but those areminor quibbles. Bridlington is a lovely little town with plenty of decent bars for those who like that sort of thing and plenty of things for kids to do for those with families. I certainly wouldn't mind going again. Oh, and for those of you who haven't seen it, there's a photographic record of most of ou trip in my Bridlington photoset on flickr. Enjoy.

After my relaxing holiday, I spent the next week feeeling absolutely knackered. A feeling not helped by seeing Nantwich Town lose tamely in a pre-season friendly with FC United of Manchester on the Friday night and then Crewe Alexandra lose tamely at home to Brighton on the opening Saturday of the season. Still, my spirits were lifted by a trip round the Nantwich Transport Festival on the Sunday afternoon. I took loads of photos, but I still haven't got round to sorting them out a week after the event, so you'll have to wait a few more days to see those. They'll be on my flickr site soon as they're ready. Honest.

Go on, stick your oar in:

Monday 21st July

She is the body electric

Well, I was wrong about having a massive hangover yesterday, instead I was just extremely tired. Once I got up, around lunchtime, I spent most of the day dozing on the sofa whilst watching the German Grand Prix and the Open Golf championship - two sports which are perfect for dozing in front of. Then I uploaded my photos from Saturday night's excursion, more of which later.

On Friday I met up with some ex-colleagues from MDS, and assorted others, for a train-based pub crawl. The route and plan was fairly straightforward: depart from Birchwood and have roughly an hour at each of the following stops for drinkage - Stalybridge, Huddersfield, Dewsbury, Huddersfield (again), Marsden and Stalybridge (again). In stark contrast to the last time I went on one of these, the weather was a bit poor, but then we were inside for most of the time, so it didn't matter. First port of call was the excellent station bar at Stalybridge (obviously). The station bar has had a reputation for serving decent beer for as long as I can remember and I certainly spent a couple of evenings there missing trains back to Manchester back in the late 80s. If you ever have occasion to take a leisurely train ride via Stalybridge, it's worth getting off for a good pint of real ale. (Unless, of course, you can't stand the stuff. In which case, there's nothing to see here.) Anyway, at Stalybridge I learnt several things. One, Crones Cider is horrible. Two, there are five crystallized forms of chocolate and the fifth is the one that tastes best. Three, the rather strange cartoon Salad Fingers not only exists but is rather popular. (Having watched it I now understand the obsession with the perfect spoon.) Four, I ought to sign up to Facebook. And five, there's nothing more deflating than being out-geeked by a girl. I was all set to impress by telling everyone I'm currently working on documentation for a space engine, but that paled in comparison to the discussion of fourth-generation, energy-recovering, light accelerators. Anyway, from Stalybridge it was on to the Head of Steam on Huddersfield station. Another good pub with a fine selection of real ales. And thence to to the furthest point on our journey - the West Riding Refreshment Rooms on Dewsbury station. Not only did they provide a fine selection of ales but they also put on a splendid buffet for us intrepid travellers. Unfortunately I mis-calculated on the beer to food ratio and overdid it on the potato salad and bred-and-dripping that was on offer. As a result, I was feeling a little over-full as we departed back to Huddersfield. A feeling that didn't subside until I'd had a tactical chunder in the Huddersfield station bogs. It was a good move though because after about an hour I felt much better. So much so that by the time we got to the Riverhead Brewery in Marsden I was getting beers in outside of the round. I also got into a heated discussion with a couple of fellow travellers about the location of the bar, which I insisted had not been moved since our last visit. Turns out I was wrong (shocker!) and the bar had been on the other side of the pub last time we did the Rail Ale Trail. Sorry, Carolyn, I should never have doubted you! After a good hour or so in Marsden it was back up the hill to the station and on to the last stop, back where the fun started, Stalybridge. I was feeling OK, the beer was flowing and the company was good. So it was with some regret that we boarded the train back to Warrington. As time was ticking on I knew I'd be cutting it fine if I went on to Warrington for a pint before getting the last train to Crewe, so I jumped off at Manchester (along with a few others) where I had time for another pint in the station bar and to spend far too much money on a couple of burgers and some onion rings. Then it was on to the train to Crewe, which fortunately only goes as far as Crewe, so I could have a kip. Once I got to Crewe I didn't have too long to wait to get the last train back to Nantwich, so I was back home well before midnight. As a double bonus I woke up on Saturday with no hangover. True, I did feel a bit knackered and incredibly thirsty but I could certainly live with that. Especially as there was drinking on the agenda for Saturday night too. Result. Top day out. Good company, good times, good beer, what more do you need?

So, Saturday and it was off to Mexborough Civic for Disarm's album launch party. The guys have a fantastic album out - 'By Any Means Necessary' on Imprint Records, check it out - and rightly it deserved a party to celebrate it's release. But not only did they lay on a party, they also provided the entertainment and persuaded Kitty Hudson to give us a twirl too. I took my camera and you can see the photos from the evening in my Disarm Party photoset on Flickr. If anyone wants to make use of any of those then at least do me the courtesy of asking permission first, please. Jamie and Brad kicked the evening off with some acoustic numbers, followed by a solo acoustic set from Richard of Kitty Hudson. After a break for some food, Kitty Hudson treated us to a full band set and Disarm closed out the night with a full set. It was a very enjoyable night all round - the bands were all good and the atmosphere was great. I wish Disarm all the success in the world with the album - they deserve it.

And of course, if they do make it big I intend to cash in with all the mp3's of their early stuff that I've got lying around. After five years (yes, I first saw them in July 2003, check out my archive) of championing their cause to the dedicated thirty or so people who follow this site, then I'm entitled to something, surely? Disarm - the Wilderness Years, coming soon to ebay. It's a forgotten classic already.

I'm just joking about the cash-in. 'The wilderness Years'? What a rubbish title! I'll have to come up with something much better... Anyway, one thing I won't joke about is a big thank you to Disarm and PapaKev for putting on a good party and making me feel welcome. And and even bigger thanks to my sister Liz, who, having been let down by her parents on the child-minding front, opted to drive over to Mexborough and back on Saturday night rather than miss the gig. I especially appreciated this as it saved me the train fare and a night in a hotel. It's a fair old trek from Nantwich to Mexborough and back and unlike me and Dan, Liz didn't have the luxury of having a kip on the way back. You're a star, Liz. Absolute star. Mind you, I might not be calling her that next week when I get to play childminder while she and Roger have a weekend away...

Go on, stick your oar in:

Sunday 13th July

Digging In

There are times when I think that, having bought a decent digital camera, I ought to get out and take more pictures than I do. And then there are times when I realise that I haven't uploaded the pictures I took last week, so there's not point in taking more pictures till I've got them sorted. And sorted them I have. So you can now pop along and have a look at my pictures from the Wrenbury Scarecrow Trail. It's an annual event in aid of Wrenbury School and the villagers all pitch in. Over three weekends you can go along to the village, buy a guide and walk round the trail, spotting the scarecrows and vote for your favourite. There's also a car boot sale and the school fayre on during the middle weekend. We had a wander around the central village bit then drove out to Wrenbury Heath to see the scarecrows there. We didn't sadly get as far as Aston for the scarecrows there, so if you want more information pop along to the Offical Scarecrow Trail site. As well as seeing the scarecrows we also saw the ancient lifting bridge in action. Not once but a couple of times. I filmed it in action but need to work out how to rotate the film before I can upload it. Oh and add a soundtrack, of course.

Having worked through the Carry Ons, anyone still interested in checking out my reviews, and pointing out any inconsistencies or spelling mistakes, can now check out my CarryOnathon page via the link added on the left. I've re-ordered the reviews in to film release order so it makes a bit more coherent reading. I won't necessarily be checking the page very often though, so if you want to make a comment it's probably best to e-mail me.

I did mention in my last update that I'd been challenged to name my top ten movies and that I thought I'd done that before. Well, I sort of did way back in February 2004, (check through the archives if you're really interested) when I named my ten favourite films of the time. Of the ten I named then, I reckon four would probably make it in to my all-time top ten of all time. I've still not settled on a definitive list though, so you'll have to wait a while longer for that. (Ooh, I'm such a tease!)

And that's it for this update. Still not decided which DVD boxset I'll be reviewing next, I'm afraid. Not much else to tell either - I've got a few things lined up next week though, which should make interesting reading on here at some point. I'm off for a railway-based pub crawl with some ex-colleagues on Friday. And then on Saturday I'll be at Disarm's album launch party. I reckon I'll have a cracking hangover by Sunday...

Go on, stick your oar in:

Wednesday 9th July

Carry On Commentary

So, I've had a week's rest, some decent nights of sleep and a chance to reflect on the CarryOn-athon. so, here are some of the questions I've been asked during the course of the last month or so.

WHY????

I've always had a soft spot for the Carry On films and my memories of them are mostly good. But I don't think I'd ever considered the series as a whole and my opinion of the series seemed to be based around a third of the films. I needed to to check them out and see how my opinion might change. Plus, I wasn't that interested in Euro 2008 amd June has thirty days, coincidentally the exact number of films that I had to watch, so I put two and two together and came up with a stupid idea.

Which is your favourite Carry On?

Screaming. Next question

Did you really watch all of them?

I cannot tell a lie and so I have to admit that I did watch them all but not necessarily on the day I reviewed them. I managed to sneak in a couple extra during the second weekend and so was almost always ahead of myself. I wrote up reviews after I'd watched the film but didn't post them until the relevant day, which is how I managed to go to the annual Lawrence family gathering and watch-slash-review 'That's Carry On'. I ought to point out though, that not only did I watch the films but I also checked out the extras on the DVDs too. On most of them this stretched as far as some trivia information, publicity stills, the cinematic trailer and audio commentary from some minor stars. On the later ones the extras also included episodes from the Carry On Laughing TV series. If you thought England and Emmannuelle were bad, you should see some of these. Clearly all shot in a studio for a cost of about three quid, most of which must have been spent on drugs, because they clearly didn't spend anything on sets, scripts or jokes. I think I found watchingv those dreadful TV shows more disheartening than the films...

Why didn't you include Carry On Columbus?

Apart from the fact that it's a sham of a mockery of a travesty of a farce? Two reasons - firstly, although it's recognised as a Carry On film, it isn't acknowledged as part of the classical canon. It is, in fact, the bastard offspring of the series. And the second reason for not reviewing it is that I don't actually have a copy of it on DVD or tape, and it's not currently available in the shops.

Is there a general rule of thumb that I can use to determine whether a Carry On is worth watching?

There's a couple of simple rules. Anything starring Jack Douglas is probably best avoided. The higher up the bill he is, the worse the film is. And then it depends on whether you find Babs Windsor attractive or not. It seems no coincidence to me that she isn't in most of the best ones. And let's not forget she only starred in nine of the films. Generally speaking, you can avoid the films with Babs in.

What's the best way of classifying the Carry Ons?

There is the obvious way of deciding which are the top ten, the bottom ten and whatever is left over, but that always leaves people arguing that such-and-such a film deserves to be higher in the list or that the same film should be in another list. So I think that it is better to break them down into the Delights, the Decent, the Distractions, the Disappointments and the Dross. The Delights are those films that you must watch, the Decent are those that are worth checking out, the Distractions are those that are best saved for a wet weekend, the Disappointments are those you should watch with low expectations, and the Dross are, of course, those that you should never watch. There's always the question of personal taste of course, but having trawled through the lot I think I can offer the following table with some authority.

And if you don't agree with me, well, tough. You will respect mah authoritah!

What are you doing next?

Well, I'm not sure, but whatever it is won't involve watching and reviewing a film a day for a month. That was just madness. I do, however, have some other box sets I could work through. I've got two Horror box sets with 20 films each and a Comedy boxset, also with 20 films in it. These, I think, I've mentioned before. I picked them up cheap at a discount store and each contains a mix of stuff - some classic, some foreign, some you've never heard of. I've also got the Comic Strip Presents... box set, which has all 39 episodes in. I could do that as a side project, I think - one a week, on a separate page. That might work. My brother, Mark, also suggested I name my top ten films. I think I might have done that before so will trawl back through the site to find out. I'll see. As soon as I've decided, I'll let you know.

Go on, stick your oar in:

Monday 30th June

Carry On Emmannuelle

And so we reach the end, the last of the accepted Carry On canon, Carry On Emmannuelle. The regulars hauling their creaking comedy bones back on set for this are Williams, Sims, Connor and Butterworth. The irregulars include Jack Douglas, Larry Dann (fourth Carry On), Michael Nightingale, Eric Barker and Victor Maddern. The hitherto umentioned Gertan Klauber also makes the last of seven Carry On appearances. Making their one and only Carry On appearances are Suzanne Danielle and Beryl Reid; the sublime and the ridicul;ous. (Please yourselves about which is which.) And for all you connections fans, Albert Moses and Dino Shafeek, who appear here, also starred together in the TV series Mind Your Language. Screenplay, for this film, handled by Lance Peters, based on a X-rated novel and toned down considerably for this Carry On.

The plot, or flimsy excuse for gratuitous nudity and endless innuendo, revolves around the French ambassador to England (Williams), his wife Emmannuelle (Danielle) and their troubled sex life. Ever since a close encounter with a church steeple during a parachute jump, Emile has been unable to fulfill his wife's desires. With his blessing she has getting her oats elsewhere, with as many and varied partners as she can. On her way over to England, she seduces a nerdy, mummy's boy, Theodore Valentine (Dann) who becomes obsessed with her and starts stalking her. Whilst Emmannuelle cavorts across London having erotic encounters with all and sundry, Valentine is following her and taking pictures. He reveals all to the tabloids, who have a field day and Emmannuelle appears on television to defend herself. Which she does by seducing the interviewer during the live broadcast. As you do. In the end after seeing to half of London and the winning team and the referee at the Cup Final (a team playing in a very familiar Manchester red strip, it has to be said) she gets what she really wants when Emile finds himself able to rise to the occasion again. And she gets a bit more than she bargained for because it turns out that sneaky Emile has replaced her contraceptive pill with a fertility pill. Cue hilarious scene in hospital with sextuplets when nurse says they look like their dad and the camera pans to reveal a room crammed with candidates-cum-suspects.

I thought Carry On England was the worst, I may well have been wrong. There's nothing at all funny in this film. Plenty of nudity, including dear Kenneth Williams himself exposing more flesh than might have been advisable, but not a single laugh-out-loud moment. Williams' delivers the wobbliest French accent in history - veering from the south of France to south of Fulham in an instant - and is matched by Danielle's accent being so heavy that some of her lines are almost unintelligible. The other Carry On regulars are wasted in inconsequential roles that appear to have been written solely to give them something to do. The plot is as flimsy as one of Ms Danielle's negligees and the jokes are, well, pretty much non-existent. In fact, this is pretty much a blueprint of the sort of sex comedy that the British used to do so badly in the Seventies. Not only does it have a cheesy disco theme tune, most of the sex is implied and the producers spent so long on working out how to get the occasional flash of flesh past the censors that they neglected the script. Dreadful from start to finish.

I'm afraid I can't even bring myself to give it one. Or a score out of 10. (And, believe me, that's funnier than any joke in the film.) Yep, 0 out of 10. Absolutely no redeeming features - no great performances, no classic gags, no nothing. If Carry On England was scraping the bottom of the barrel, this is turning the barrel over, scraping the mud and slime off the outside of the bottom, grilling some bread and serving the two up as toast and pate. This shouldn't be avoided like the plague, this should be avoided like the Biblical plagues of Egypt.

And that's it. Thirty days and thirty films. I'm now going to take an evening or two off, catch up with my sleep, and come back to give you my considered lists of the ten best, ten worst and ten not-the-best-or-worst. Just in case you were planning to start up your own Carry On viewing society or film library. And then I've got a few other movie projects I could work on. None of which will involve watching a film a day for a month, because that's just madness.

Go on, stick your oar in:

Sunday 29th June

That's Carry On

Celebrating 20 years of the Carry On films, along comes this compilation, That's Carry On. Regulars? Well technically they're all in it, along with plenty of the irregulars, but the only new scenes in this compilation are the linking sequences featuring Kenneth Williams and Babs Windsor. The dialogue for their scenes was written by Tony Church, but later Williams claimed to have changed much of it.

There is no plot really, it's just Ken and Babs in a projection booth, mucking about and watching edited highlights of virtually all of the films in the series. The only one that doesn't make the final cut appears to be Carry On England, for which we should be truly thankful. Otherwise the rest are all present and correct, although the clips are shown with scant regard for the chronology of the releases. And in some cases, scant regard for the order of the scenes in the actual films. The clips themselves were chosen by the director and the producer of the Carry Ons, Gerald Thomas and Peter Rogers, whittled down from an original selection that was over six hours long.

Call me a curmudgeon but I can't help feeling that we would have been better served by a concentration on the better films in the series here rather than by the potted highlights of each and every one we get. That way, we could have avoided some of the clunkers in the series and the jokes and set-ups in the other films could have had a bit more screen-time and probably made a bit more sense. On the other hand, only a true devotee like myself would surely have watched all those films, so if it encouraged people to go back and have a look at some of the others then all well and good.

Overall though, it's a 3 out of 10. The linking shots between Babs and Ken are pretty weak - the innuendo and stuff is almost as overdone as in Carry On England - and Babs seems enormously pleased with herself despite appearing in less than a third of the films. And the highlights don't work - they're too short to convey much of the theme or plot of each film and some of the jokes fall flat out of context. This is one for the completists only, as they say.

Go on, stick your oar in:

Saturday 28th June

Carry On England

The end is nigh and the series almost ends up back where it started - in the army - with Carry On England. The only regulars enlisting this time around are Connor, Sims and Butterworth. Kenneth Williams, Babs Windsor and Bernard Bresslaw were all unavailable, and although never slated to be in this film, Sid James died before the start of filming. The territorial army of irregulars include Julian Holloway, Michael Nightingale, Jack Douglas, Windsor Davies, and David Lodge. The familiar names joining the cast here are Patrick Mower, Judy Geeson (sister of Sally) and Melvyn Hayes (Gloria from It Aint Half Hot Mum). Diane Langton came in to do the Babs Windsor part. Screenplay was handled by David Pursall and Jack Sneddon, who had presented it originally for the Carry On Laughing TV series. Another regular absent from this one is composer Eric Rogers, who pulled out of scoring the film when budget cuts reduced the orchestra from 40 to 20 players.

We're back in the war years, 1940, to be precise and 1313 Experimental Battery is giving the Army no end of trouble. Having sent their best officers down there and seen them all fail, the top brass take a new track and send one of their worst - Capt S. Melly (Connor) - to have a crack at it. And what is it? Why, it's a mixed battalion, with both men and women in service. Except the only thing they are servicing is each other. Cpt. Melly, assisted by Sgt-Major Bloomer (Windsor Davies) tries his best to instill discipline, whilst the soldiers, led by Sergeants Able (Mower) and Willing (Geeson) try to get on with the business of knocking each other off. Not that there's much else to do - they're an anti-aircraft battalion without a gun. As the battle of wits between officer and soldiers continues the ante is upped considerably when an anti-aircraft gun is finally delivered. The batallion then have to pass an inspection in order to continue their existence. Of course, they pass but not without incident. Incidents affecting Cpt Melly, mostly.

I think you can generally judge a Carry On by the standard of the characters names and Captain S Melly, has to be the worst, weakest gag name in the entire series. Swiftly followed up by Sgts Willing and Able and Privates Ready and Easy. Notably here too, out has gone the subtle wit, the double entendre and the gentle humour and in has come a load of single entendres, gratuitous nudity and absolutely no subtlety whatsoever. Even the clean jokes are delivered badly. This is a disaster from beginning to end and not even Windsor Davies manic turn as the Sgt-Major can save this from the dung heap. Absolute toss. No wonder not many of the regulars were in it - if they'd read the script they would have known instantly to avoid it. Even Pink Floyd, who originally put up half the money to finance the film, pulled out of this one. And if you want an example of the level this sinks to, well, take the Reveille scene. When the Reveille sounds through the speakers in the barracks, both the men and the women sit up in their beds to complain. In the men's hut, all the soldiers are wearing pyjamas whereas next door the women all apparently sleep naked, or topless at least.

Score on the door, er, well, there isn't one. Oh alright 1 out of 10, but only for Windsor Davies' performance, despite the fact he'd been playing that character for a couple of years in It Aint Half Hot, Mum. This is, as far as I'm concerned the absolute worst film of the series. Dreadful from start to finish. Odious characters, preposterous set-up and no wit or subtlety at all. Avoid like the plague.

Go on, stick your oar in:

Friday 27th June

Carry On Behind

Hey, hey, hey, it's the first full day of Glastonbury and I'm at home watching Carry On Behind. The regulars who signed up for this one are Williams, Butterworth, Connor, Bresslaw and Sims. The irregulars include Patsy Rowlands, Jack Douglas, Marianne Stone, and David Lodge. Making his eighth and final Carry On appearance is Billy Cornelius and Hugh Futcher notches up his seventh. Liz Fraser returns for her fourth Carry On, having not been seen since Carry On Cabby. Special guest star is German totty Elke Sommer. There's a bit of an Army connection with Windsor Davies, Donald Hewlett and Ian Lavender all turning out - Davies and Hewlett starred in It Aint Half Hot Mum and Lavender in Dads' Army. There's also a Coronation Street connection as both Mike Baldwin, aka Johnny Briggs and Mrs Reg Holdsworth, aka Sherrie Hewson are in this too. Larry Dann sets what must be the record for time between Carry Ons, making his second appearance 16 years after being in Carry On Teacher. The screenplay is handled by Dave Freeman this time out. Mr Freeman had plenty of experience, including writing the Carry On Laughing TV series and contributing to the Christmas specials.

Archaeologist Professor Crump (Williams) and visiting Russian expert Professor Vooshka (Sommer) are off to a dig of some Roman ruins on a campsite. It's the height of summer, of course, so also on their way to the camp site are two single girls looking for "fun", a couple of married men likewise, a hen-pecked husband with his wife and mother-in-law and a couple and their enormous dog. Crump and Vooshka are forced to share a caravan and there are hilarious consequences over that. In fact, there's just general hilarity to be had from Vooshka's mangled English. Meantime Ernie (Douglas) and Fred (Davies) have convinced their wives that they're off on a fishing trip and have met up with Carol (Hewson) and Sandra (Carol Hawkins), Unfortunately, their attempts to impress the girls backfire and they end up destroying the girls' tents. Elsewhere on the campsite Arthur Upmore (Bresslaw) is putting up with his wife (Rowlands) and her mother Daphne (Sims), who has insisted on bringing her pet Mynah bird with her. The relationships deteriorate even more when the bird escapes. And there are misunderstandings galore as Arthur goes in search of the bird, whose favourite phrase is "Show us yer knickers!". As the two professors get to grips with their living arrangements and each other, the girls ditch Fred and Ernie for some strudents who arrive to help out on the dig, Fred and Ernie's wives turn up unexpectedly, and Arthur's mother-in-law is re-united with her husband. And that's about it.

It doesn't sound much and that's because it isn't much. Dave Freeman makes sure he sticks to the tried-and-trusted Carry On formula by basically copying Carry On Camping, but replacing the tents with caravans. Sure there are one or two tweaks but nothing too radical; Windsor Davies and Jack Douglas play the Sid James and Bernie Bresslaw characters from Camping, Butterworth appears to be wearing the same outfit from that film and Bresslaw himself gets the Terry Scott role, albeit with Sims as the unwelcome third party instead of Hawtrey. And to complete the symmetry, this was shot in the same location - Pinewood Orchards.

Overall, 5 out of 10. Not a bad film per se but a pale imitation of the glorious Carry On camping. And whilst I don't miss the cackling of Babs Windsor, there's clearly a Sid James-shaped hole in the film. A hole that Windosr Davies just can't fill. I have seen a case made that this is an overlooked gem but, in the context of the series, the best you can say is that it is the least worst of the final few films and certainly the last of the ones worth watching.

Go on, stick your oar in:

Thursday 26th June

Carry On Dick

The Carry On crew stand and deliver once again, with the 26th outing in the series, Carry On Dick. Regulars on patrol here are Bresslaw, Butterworth, Connor, Jacques, James, Sims, Williams and Windsor. Heading up the irregulars are Jack Douglas, Patsy Rowlands, Bill Maynard, Michael Nightingale, Marianne Stone and Maragaret Nolan. David Lodge appears in his third Carry On, having appeared in Regardless and then having to wait twelve years before getting his part in Girls (ooh-er!). The screenplay was done by Talbot Rothwell and this one proved to be his last - an attack of nervous exhaustion near the end of the script-writing process not only meant that his daughter had to type up the final draft but it also put the mockers on a deal for a further five Carry On scripts. Mind you, it was perhaps not surprising he was exhausted - not only had he been knocking out Carry Ons at the rate of two a year for the last ten years but he'd also written the Carry On London stage show, the Carry On Christmas TV specials and done Up Pompeii for Frankie Howerd. sadly, after being advised to rest, he never wrote another thing and passed away in 1981.

'Tis 1750 and criminals roam England. The King has formed the Bowe Street Runners to try to cut down on crime but despite their successes, there's still one highwayman who eludes them - Big Dick Turpin (Sid James). So called because of the size of his weapon...(yawn!) Anyway, Captain Fancy (Williams) is tasked with apprehending Turpin and his gang. Aided by Sgt Jock Strapp (the appalling Jack Douglas) he travels north to track Turpin down, going undercover as a criminal. Of course, he lets the local vicar in on his secret, which is a bit of a shame as the Reverend Flasher is none other than Turpin himself. There then follows some comic episodes where Fancy is outwitted by Turpin and then later taken to be Turpin by the slow-witted local constable, who promptly arrests him. There's also a bit of frippery with Joan Sims and her troupe of "models" which seems to be included largely to up the cleavage count. (Not that Babs isn't managing that on her own as Turpin's saucy assistant, Harriet.) In the end, when the truth finally dawns on Fancy, he tries to arrest Flasher on leaving his church one Sunday morning, only for Turpin to outwit him again and escape, riding off into the sunset with his accomplices.

Couple of major problems with this one, I'm afraid. One is the increasing amount of screen time given over to cackling sex dwarf Babs Windsor and the other is that we've seen this film before in the shape of Don't Lose Your Head. Apart from a few minor changes the plot is virtually identical. Even the normally flag-waving notes accompanying the DVD admit as much. The whole affair is, therefore, as predictable as the references to Babs' norks and as about as amusing. Worse still, there aren't any decent comic characters or good performances to lighten up proceedings.

Sorry to say but I'm afraid this only gets 4 out of 10. The wholesale recycling of plot, characters and jokes just seems lazy and uninspired. And even what new jokes there are in the piece are unsubtle and unamusing. "Big Dick" indeed. That said, there is something about this film that makes it more appealing than some of the others in the series, so I reserve the right to come back and change my rating later.

Go on, stick your oar in:

Wednesday 25th June

Carry On Girls

It's off to the sleepy seaside town of Fircombe, for Carry On Girls. The regulars taking the sea air are James, Sims, Windsor, Connor, Butterworth and Bresslaw. Irregulars also on the promenade include June Whitfield, Jack Douglas, Patsy Rowlands, Valerie Leon, Marianne Stone, and Joan Hickson. And the odious Robin Askwith, later to star in the downmarket Confessions... series, makes his one and only Carry On appearance. Talbot Rothwell turns in what proves to be his penultimate Carry On screenplay.

As mentioned before, we're down by the seaside in the sleepy town of Fircombe and local councillor Sidney Fiddler (James) persuades the Mayor (Connor) that they should run a beauty contest in order to boost tourism. Seems like a good idea but they reckon without the Women's Libbers, lead by Councillor Augusta Prodworthy (Whitfield). She's against it, alright. Not looking too amused either is Sid's long-time dalliance Connie (Sims), who finds herself corralled into putting up the contestants for free in her hotel. Sid also ropes in Peter Potter (Bresslaw) the PR man to help him. And Potter travels down from London, leaving behind his austere looking girlfriend, Paula (Valerie Leon). Things start going downhill when Miss Easy Rider, Hope Springs (Windsor, of course) arrives and starts a catfight with Dawn Brakes (the lovely Margaret Nolan) during the first publicity shoot. And then there's the hilarity of Bernie Bresslaw in drag as a publicity stunt. That (predictably) backfires when the police arrive, along with Potter's girlfriend Paula. All the while the Women's Libbers have been making the Mayor look a laughing stock - not a difficult task - and plotting to disrupt the contest. On the night of the show, they put itching powder in the girls outfits, sprinkle pepper on the contestants and then turn on the fire sprinklers. Fiddler finds himself run out of town, with Hope Springs hot on his heels. Just about everyone else gets to live happily ever after.

Despite the acres of cleavage on display, this is a bit of a letdown. Williams and Hawtrey are obviously missed and it falls to Jimmy Logan to play the camp role and he makes a bit of an arse of it. The other thing is, this film is noticeably a Babs and Sid vehicle, and they may have been an item in real life but on-screen their relationship looks like your uncle trying to get off with one of your girlfriend's mates. It's just wrong. Not even decent performances from Butterworth (as the lecherous Admiral, a hotel resident) and Bresslaw can disguise the gripping, not-very-goodness of this film. For example, the battle of the sexes set-up ends, without any deviation from predictability, with the women coming out on top (ooh-er!) as they always do in the Carry Ons. As another example, Paula's transformation from uptight, repressed secretary to sexy siren involves the standard removal of spectacles and shaking out of hair. Gosh, how novel. And furthermore Kenneth Connor's performance as the Mayor appears to be an exercise in self-parody whilst Joan Sims apparently phoned in her performances. Worse still though than the easy resort to cliche and the lacklustre acting, is the increased screen time given to Jack Douglas, a one-trick pony whose trick does not bear repeated viewings. (He's the guy doing the tedious physical spasms stuff throughout, if you haven't guessed.)

So, out of 10, I can only give this 4. That may be a tad harsh, as there is much worse to come, but really, I didn't find this funny. Definitely in the bottom ten of all time.

Go on, stick your oar in:

Tuesday 24th June

Carry On Abroad

After churning them out at the rate of about two a year, the series slows down to just one a year now, with 1972's offering Carry On Abroad. Pretty much a complete cast of regulars are booked in for this trip - Williams, Hawtrey, James, Connor, Sims, Jacques, Butterworth, Bresslaw, and Windsor. Also along for the ride are the irregulars - Patsy Rowlands, Derek Francis (the last of six Carry Ons for him), June Whitfield (second of four, first since Nurse), the harbinger of doom Jack Douglas, and Hugh Futcher. Jimmy Logan comes in for the first of his two Carry Ons and Sally Geeson, who starred in Bless This House, does likewise. The screenplay is, as ever, in the capable hands of Talbot Rothwell.

It's 1972 and the package holiday is still pretty much a novelty, so it's ripe for a send-up. And here a disparate group go on a four-day getaway to the Mediterranean island of Elsbels. There's Vic Flange (James) who was planning a dirty weekend with Sadie (Windsor) till his wife Cora (Sims) got to hear about it and decided to go along with him. There's a repressed couple, Evelyn and Stanley Blunt (Connor and Whitfield). There's also Mr Tuttle (Hawtrey) travelling alone, the aforementioned Sadie, a couple of young girls looking for fun and a party of priests, including Brother Bernard (Bresslaw), who are off to the tomb of St Cecilia. Looking after the lot of them is Stuart Farquhar (Williams), the tour guide. They arrive in Elsbels and, shocker, their hotel isn't finished. Not only are the top four floors not built but there are only three staff - Pepe (Butterworth) who does everything. Giorgio (Ray brooks) who does nothing and Floella (Jacques) the cook. They do their best to accommodate the party but there are one or two, or three, or maybe half a dozen, things wrong; the shared bathrooms, the unfinished wardrobes and drawers and the dangerous balconies to name but four. Not to mention the teething troubles in the kitchen where Floella just can't work her cock, er sorry, coke-powered ovens. Still, having managed to get past those minor inconveniences, most of the party head off on a sight-seeing tour. Evelyn Blunt gets left behind and Giorgio, if you'll pardon the expression, finally does something. The sightseers meanwhile are enjoying the market, whilst the priests are visiting the tomb of St Cecilia. One of the stallholders is flogging a dodgy love potion call Liquer D'Amoura and more than a few of the party are stocking up. However, when the Brits are abroad, you know trouble can't be far behind and Mr Tuttle sparks outrage in the local stripclub by trying to play leapfrog. It descends into a full-scale fight involving the rest of the sightseers and then the priests and they all spend the night in the police cells. When they get out, it's back to the hotel for a farewell party. Pepe lays on a champagne punch and everyone spikes it with a good helping of Liquer D'Amoura. Cue scenes of drunken lechery, with even the priests getting in on the act, having been persuaded to have "just one glass". Outside the hotel, a storm is raging and storm waters flood under the hotel, ruining its foundations and the whole thing comes tumbling down. Luckily, the various romantic plots have all been resolved and everyone escapes before the hotel collapses. Cut back to Vic's pub some time later and various characters all turn up for a re-union including Mr Tuttle, who closes the film.

I mention Mr Tuttle because, sadly, this was to be Charles Hawtrey's last Carry On. After a solid run of 18 consecutive Carry Ons and appearing in all but one of the series (Carry On Cruising being the one he missed), he was unable to resolve his differences with the film's producers over his position in the credits and so left the series, never to return. Indeed, he made only one more film and appeared in an episode of SuperGran and lived a fairly reclusive life in retirement. Not quite the end of the era, but another sign that the end was nigh.

Perhaps another sign was the rather dreadfully stereotypical lines that Butterworth, as Pepe, had to put up with. Or more appropriately, had to be "making the puttings up with". That and the fact that yet again Sid James was playing the lothario despite the fact he's got a face like a walnut. A pickled one at that. All in all, despite some good gags (I was especially amused to spot the balloons arranged like a penis and testicles in the background at the farewell party) the series here starts to show a bit of wear and tear. Maybe it's because they just introduce a load of characters and there's no sense of a back story or a common history between them. Or maybe it's because the cackling dwarf, Babs Windsor, gets too much time on screen again.

Perhaps a little controversial but I'm only giving this 5 out of 10. It's by no means bad, but it's not particularly great either. In fact, it's a bit dull. It may pass the time pleasantly enough on a late Friday evening but given what's gone before it's not really up to scratch. There are better Carry Ons worth checking out before you get to this one.

Go on, stick your oar in:

Monday 23rd June

Carry On Matron

Making almost as many return visits to hospital as George Best, the team are back on the wards for Carry On Matron. The fully registered regulars here are Williams, Hawtrey, James, Jacques, Sims, Connor, Windsor and Bresslaw. The ancillary staff are headed by Terry Scott, with Jacki Piper, Patsy Rowlands, Bill Maynard, Valerie Leon and Margaret Nolan amongst the rest filling out the minor roles. Kenneth Cope comes in for his second and final Carry On. There are also appearances by future Eastenders stalwart Wendy Richard and future Everton chairman Bill Kenwright. Also making his first appearance is that one-trick pony and signifier of rubbish Carry Ons, Jack Douglas. Screenplay by Talbot Rothwell, knocking out his 17th Carry On in the space of 9 years. No wonder some of them were a bit patchy...

We're at Finisham Maternity Hospital this time round. A hospital run by the hypochondriac Dr Cutting (Williams) and Matron (Jacques) who is in love with him (shocker!). Not only do they have to deal with awkward cases like Mrs Tidy (Sims) who eats like a horse but shows no sign of producing her overdue baby, but there's another danger in their middst. Yes, it's scheming Sid Carter (James) and his gang, who are looking to steal a load of contraceptive pills for sale abroad. Sid goes in to have a recce but decides the only way to get a proper map of the layout is to send in his son, Cyril (Cope), disguised as a nurse. Unfortunately Cyril's planned quick look round turns into an extended stay, as first he has a run-in with the lecherous Dr Prodd (Scott), then gets billeted with Nurse Ball (Windsor) and then has another entanglement with Dr Prodd. To cap things off, he then ends up on the front pages of the newspapers after helping film star Jackie Darling (Leon) have triplets. Following his heroics, Matron gives "Cyrille" the day off but on returning to the nursing home, Nurse Ball discovers his secret. She agrees to keep quiet on the understanding that he's going straight once the heist is over. Meantime, when Sid visits the hospital to talk to Cyrille, Matron becomes suspicious and follows him. Sid makes a narrow escape and decides they must do the job that night. So come nightfall, the job is on. The gang manage to get into the hospital and past the security guard but then things go a bit pear-shaped. They get their hands the contraceptives but find themselves locked in the hospital and pursued by staff and patients alike. In the end they have to strike a deal to get away. Whilst the crime caper has been going on the romantic sub-plot between Matron and Dr Cutting has been developed, mainly by way of comedy misunderstanding, and the film ends with the two marrying. At the ceremony are Cyril and Nurse Ball, who have become an item and Sid and the rest of the gang. As Sid outlines his next caper the two henchmen, Ernie (Bresslaw) and Freddy (Maynard) exchange glances and then do a runner.

It has to be said, the plot here is a bit of a clunker. The comedy crime caper has been done better and the romance between Jacques and Williams runs almost exactly the same course as their previous relationships in both Carry On Doctor and Carry On Camping. Plus Ken Cope doesn't fool anyone in his attempts at crossdressing. Of course, that's largely the desired effect for comedic purposes, I suppose. And for all the flaws with the plot, the dialogue is excellent - Williams and Jacques both get some splendid lines, along with Hawtrey's psychiatrist. And Sid plays better as small-time crook than the lecherous types he usually played.

Overall this has to be a 7 out of 10. Possibly the best hospital comedies and probably because it didn't concentrate on the patients too much. The resolution might be a little glib, but the story gets told, the boys get the girls and everyone lives sort of happily ever after. Certainly in the running for the end of season top ten.

Go on, stick your oar in:

Sunday 22nd June

Carry On At Your Convenience

It's back up to the modern day and into the world of work for Carry On At Your Convenience. The regulars clocking in are Williams, Hawtrey, James, Sims, Jacques and Bresslaw. The part-time staff include Patsy Rowlands, Jacki Piper, Bill Maynard and Marianne Stone. Richard O'Callaghan returns for his second and final Carry On. Magaret Nolan's magnificent figure makes the third of six Carry On appearances. Julian Holloway also makes an uncredited appearance. Also worth noting for the older members of the audience is the appearance of Geoffrey Hughes, who later found fame as Eddie Yeats in Coronation Street. And Kenneth Cope, who starred in TV Series Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased), makes the first of two Carry On appearances. The screenplay is in the capable hands of Talbot Rothwell, once again.

It's all about the trials and tribulations of the staff and mangement of WC Boggs & Son, toiletware manufacturers. Up in the office Mr Boggs (Williams), works foreman Sid Plummer (James) and designer Mr Coote (Hawtrey) are putting a new design through it's paces, aided by Mr Boggs' secretary, Miss Withering (Rowlands). Down on the factory floor, bolshie union leader Vic Spanner (Cope) is stirring up trouble again. He's outraged by Lewis Boggs' (O'Callaghan) decision to axe the tea round. He takes the workers out on strike, again. With the factory at a standstill, everone goes home. Well, Vic tries to get canteen girl Sally (Piper) to go on a date, but she blows him out in favour of Lewis. Sid goes home to a rather dismal dosmetic scene but he discovers that his wife's budgie, Joey, has a knack for picking winners at the horse races. This turns out to be really useful later. Anyway, the strike is resolved, the workers are all back in the office and Lewis returns triumphant from an overseas sales deal with a contract for 1,000 bidets. Boggs Sr. overcomes his resistance to manufacturing them, especially when they work out the profit margin on the deal and OKs the production. Sadly, the bank refuses to back them but Sid stumps up the cash instead, aided by the aforementioned bird. All looks set fair but then Vic spots that the new fitting on the bidet is crossing labour demarcation borders - it's a combined tap and waste pipe fitting and thus can't be fitted by either the tap fitters or the waste pipe fitters, as they'll be doing each others' job. He takes the workers out on strikem again. They stay out for two weeks and the factory looks like losing the contract and going bust. Boggs decides to sell to save the workforce. The workforce return, but not to save their jobs - they don't know they're in danger - but to go on the annual works outing to Brighton. Cue capers as stuff Boggs gets drunk and his secretary takes advantage. And the rivalry between Lewis and Vic finally gets settled when Sally plumps for Lewis. Meanwhile Sid tries his best to get off with neighbour Chloe, despite the fact they're both married. After the trip to Brighton the threat to jobs comes out and Vic's mum rounds up the women workers and the men's wives and they storm down to break the strike and save the factory.

Absolute classic Carry On this one - it has plenty of toilet humour (of course) but also wit and decent writing. Sadly, though, the protrayal of the Union leader as a bit of a clot didn't sit well with the Carry Ons largely working class audience and this film was a relative flop. Most of the films hit their break even point after three days release (because they were so cheap) but this one didn't pull in the numbers and didn't break even until it had been released in Europe.

It scores 8 out of 10 from me. It's a corker. It's got a good story, with a decent sub-plot or two, and the jokes are pretty funny. Of course, it'd be a shame if they couldn't hit the spot in a comedy set in a toilet factory. The actors appear to have a great time and the location shoot in Brighton looks like it was a definite hoot. Top hole!

Go on, stick your oar in:

Saturday 21st June

Carry On Henry

More moralising on the nature of love as we hit number 21 in the series, Carry On Henry. Members of the royal court of Carry on in attendance here are James, Williams, Sims, Hawtrey, Connor and Windsor. Peter Butterworth puts in an even more fleeting uncredited cameo than last time out. The minor courtiers are led by Terry Scott, with Patsy Rowlands, Julian Holloway and Peter Gilmore. Norman Chppell make a second Carry On appearance after having his scene deleted from Carry On Loving. There's even a Marjie Lawrence in this film although, having checked, it's not my Aunt Marjorie, which is a shame because I could have asked her all about the film at next week's family gathering. Anyway, the screenplay, yadda, yadda, Talbot Rothwell.

Yes, the Carry On team are tinkering with history in this tale of Henry VIII's other two wives. One (un-named)Queen (Rowlands) is heading off to the executioner and as the deed is done, Henry (James, of course) is away to marry his next bride, Marie of Normandy (Sims). Unhappily, she turns out to be a garlic-munching terror and the King is put off straight away. - he can't stand garlic, you see. He instructs Lord Chancellor Cromwell (Williams) and Cardinal Wolsey (Scott) that they must get rid of her. Having helped him dispose of at least four previous wives, they find the task is more difficult each time. They advise the King to delay consumating the marriage whilst they try to sort things out. In the meantime, the King's tester, Sir Rodger De Lodgerley (Hawtrey) has already tested the Queen out, so to speak. And elsewhere in the court Lord Hampton of Wick (Connor) is plotting against the King. There are some capers as the King tries to avoid getting into bed with Marie and a failed abduction attempt, but then news of the Queen's pregnancy becomes known. Her cousin, Francis, the King of France (Gilmore) is delighted with the news. Henry is not so, as he's not responsible. Also, he has become infatuated with Lady Bettina (Windsor), the Queen's new lady-in-waiting. Realising that if he gets Sir Rodgwer to confess to his part (ooh-er!) in the Queen's pregnancy, he can divorce her and marry Bet, the King gets Cromwell and Wolsey on the case. The Queen is locked in the Tower of London and Sir Rodger is tortured until he confesses. Unfortunately, it all goes pear-shaped when the Queen manages to get a message to Francis and he turns up with an army demanding to see the Queen. Cue capers as Francis discovers Bet in the Queen's bed and Hampton turns up with Marie, determined to expose the King's treachery. Henry manages to buy Hampton's silence, and throws Cromwell and Wolsey in the Tower to prevent them exposing his plot but has to accede to King Francis' and Queen Marie's demands in order to prevent a war with France. All's well that ends well and despite losing Bet to Francis, Henry is much taken with the Queen's new lady-in-waiting, Katherine Howard. Unsurprisingly Cromwell and Wolsey decide they'd rather be executed than go through all that again.

Well, apart from the diabolical liberties that Talbot Rothwell appears to have taken with history, this one is pretty decent. Still let down by the presence of cackling dwarf Babs Windsor, in my opinion, but even she can't spoil this. The team are back on solid ground doing what they did best - taking an already existing story and mucking about with it. Hawtrey gives one of his best performances and here James' lothario act stands up because he is the King - he can do what he wants. Williams is also excellent as the scheming Cromwell.

Overall, a good 7 out of 10 for this. It's edging towards an 8 and I think will definitely make the top ten at the end of the month. Good solid performances, a few good running gags and plenty of that innuendo we all like. And it features future Darth Vader, Dave Prowse, as a torturer, although his does use his own voice. If only they'd thought to call in James Earl Jones to overdub it...

Go on, stick your oar in:

Friday 20th June

Carry On Loving

Love is a losing game, so Amy Winehouse says and we're off on a loser here - it's Carry On Loving. The regulars performing their conjugal duties here are James, Jacques, Williams, Hawtrey, Sims, and Bresslaw. Butterworth also appears but blink and you'll miss him. Irregulars include Terry Scott, Julian Holloway, Jacki Piper and Patsy Rowlands. Joan Hickson returns for the fourth of her five Carry Ons, having last appeared in Carry On Regardless. Bill Maynard makes the first of his 5 appearances. Richard O'Callaghan comes in as a replacement for Jim Dale, with limited success (he only made two Carry Ons). Amd further down the bill, there's a turn for Mike Grady, better known as Ken in Citizen Smith, and Barry in Last of the Summer Wine. Screenplay by, yes, you guessed it, Talbot Rothwell.

Sidney Bliss (James) run the Wedded Bliss Agency with his partner Sophie (Jacques), and they use computer dating to match up their clients in the town of Much-Snogging-on-the-Green. Yes, that's about as subtle as it gets. Of course, Sid is also using the agency to play the field and string along his partner, who he promised to marry a long time ago but seems to have gone cool on. Anyway, the clientele of the agency are all a bit odd really, and the compuuter that supposedly matches them up doesn't actually work - it's a just a load of junk and Sophie in the back office actually does all the work. Cue a series of comic sketches as the clients come in, get matched up and go off on their dates, all with hilarious consequences. There's the naive virgin Mr Muffet (O'Callaghan) who accidentally picks up a model who is expecting a photographer. The Mr Philpott gets sent to meet a girl with a decidedly creepy family and makes an ass of himself. And Sid himself has a disastrous time with his bit on the side, Esme Crowfoot (Sims) when her boyfriend, the wrestler Gripper Burke (Bresslaw) returns home unexpectedly. Meantime, for those courting couples who need advice where better to turn than to Percival Snooper (Williams) the marriage guidance counsellor at the Citizens Advice Bureau? Well, anywhere to be honest - the man is a confirmed bachelor and he too is forced to seek out the services of the Wedded Bliss Agency. Having employed a private detective, Mr Bedsop (Hawtrey) to tail Sid and discovered the extent of his infidelities, Sophie herself makes a move on Mr Snooper. Just as Sid's love life starts fallng apart though Philpott's and Muffet's are blooming. Mr Muffet hits it off with model Sally (Jacki Piper) and Philpott discovers that his first date, Jenny (Imogen Hassall) has escaped the influence of her family and turned out to be a right cracker, and no mistake. In the end, after a few more comic misadventures, love finds a way and it all turns out right for Sid and Sophie, culminating in a massive food fight at their wedding. Obviously. The same food fight currently being used in them sodding Bounty adverts.

Well for a film with Loving in the title, there ain't any actual "loving" going on, although the action is frequently interrupted by a game couple who seem to be trying to set a world record for necking. This also has more of a feel of the early Carry Ons, with a number of set-pieces being built around a central point, but with little or no plot development. This time though the comedy and wit have been abandoned for lazy reliance on smut and innuendo, with whole sketches being premised on people talking at cross-purposes, usually about sex.

Overall, it's a disappointing 4 out of 10. There's nothing here to detain you - no exceptional set-pieces, very few genuine laughs and the Carry On team seem to drain all the sex out of, well, sex. If, like me, you're on a mission to get through the entire catalogue, then try to get this one out of the way early on, and if you're not a Carry On completist, then this one can probably be safely avoided.

Go on, stick your oar in:

Thursday 19th June

Carry On Up The Jungle

Lawks a-mercy it's off to the dark continent for the 19th caper in the series, Carry On Up The Jungle. The regulars on safari this time are James, Hawtrey, Sims, Bresslaw and a returning Kenneth Connor. The irregulars joining them are Terry Scott, Frankie Howerd, and Valerie Leon. Jacki Piper makes the first of four carry On appearances, taking the lead romantic role usually occupied by Angela Douglas. Absent from this production is Kenneth Williams, who was busy filming his TV show. And Jim Dale turned down the role of Jungle Boy and didn't appear in a Carry on again till the lamented Columbus in 1992. Screeplay once agian done by Talbot Rothwell, and despite his earlier purple patch, maybe it was time to try someone else.

It's Tarzan meets She meets Cannibal Holocaust. Well, maybe not the last one. Lady Evelyn Bagley (Sims) has organised a safari to try to find her long-lost son, Cecil (Scott). Joining her on the expedition are Professor Tinkle (Howerd) the ornithologist and Chumley (Connor) his assistant. Making up the party is June (Piper), Lady Bagley's maid. Their guide is alcoholic, hunter Bill Boosey, with his manservant Upsidaisi (Bresslaw). As they venture deep into the jungle (well, Pinewood set) they have a run-in with a gorilla, are followed by the Jungle Boy (Scott) and stalked by the Nosha tribe (they're cannibals, see). Young June finds a pool, goes for a swim alone and has a close encounter with Jungle Boy. He's instantly infatuated. The expedition party end up captured by the Noshas. They get away but then get captured by the all-female tribe, the Lubis. Turns out their king, Tonka the Great (Hawtrey) is Bagley's husband. Unfortunately for Howerd, Connor and James, the Lubi women have no other men and they are forced to mate with the women. Hard life, but there are a lot of women and they all want seeing to. Luckily, the faithful Upsidaisi has organised a rescue party. Which arrives just as Jungle Boy stages a rescue of his own. Our Carry On-ers escape but the rescue party gets captured after being bushwhacked by stampeding elephants. Oh well, the Lubis will look after them, I suppose.

This is an undoubted improvement on the last film, but there's almost too much crammed in here. Perhaps they could have cut out the Noshas and expanded on the other parts and made the film feel a little less rushed. On the other hand, if the pace had dropped a bit, perhaps we would have noticed that some of the characters are a bit rubbish, the jokes are screamingly obvious and that the Jungle set was less than convincing. We might also have mused on the un-PC-ness of Bernie Bresslaw blacking up and donning a curly wig. (Although Bernie did, apparently, learn his lines in a genuine African language. Which was a complete waste of his time as the genuine blacks in the film were all of Caribbean origin...) Whatever the pace of the film it was not hard to see why Jim Dale refused to play the part of the monosyllabic idiot, Jungle Boy. Incidentally, despite playing the mother of Terry Scott's Jungle Boy, Joan Sims was actually three years younger than him.

Score on the door? Well, despite my reservations, this passes the time really quite quickly and is amusing in places, so scores a solid 6 out of 10. A workmanlike outing for the team - never out-and-out hilarious but never quite falling back solely on smut and innuendo for laughs. If this is in the Top Ten at the end of the series it'll be number nine or ten I should think.

Go on, stick your oar in:

Wednesday 18th June

Carry On Again Doctor

It's off to Long Hampton Hospital for Carry On Again Doctor. On duty this time are James, Hawtrey, Williams, Dale, Windsor, Sims, Butterworth and Jacques. Irregulars include the dependable Peter Gilmore, Patsy Rowlands, Valerie Leon, and Frank Forsyth (in his last Carry On). Also appearing is Wilfred Bramble, meaning that both Steptoe AND Son have clocked up a Carry On. And making an uncredited appearance is the man that, according to Half Man Half Biscuit, 99% of gargoyles look like, Bob Todd. The screenplay is handled by the increasingly hit-and-miss Talbot Rothwell, who apparently adapted a rejected script that he'd done for the Doctor.. series of films.

It's a film of three halves, Brian, as Dr Nookey (Dale) the accident-prone-yet-loveable medic gets himself into a lot of trouble with Matron (Jacques), Dr Stoppige (Hawtrey) and senior surgeon Mr Carver (Williams). It all culminates in one final episode when, sabotaged by Dr Stoppige, he makes a drunken fool of himself and ends up losing everything, including his girlfriend, actress-model-whatever, Goldie Locks (Windsor). Mr Carver has, in the meantime been soaping up Mrs Moore (Sims) in the hope of getting her to pony up the dosh for his new clinic. In order to get into her good books, Carver packs off Nookey to Mrs Moore's medical mission in the Beatific Islands. The resident orderly at the mission, Gladstome Screwer (James) isn't exactly delighted to see the doc as he's got a cushy life going - no one comes to the mission for treatment (they all use the local witch doctor) and his wives and children are living in the ward. Still, he tries to help the doctor out and as a result of one good turn, reveals a miracle slimming serum created by the local medicine man. Realising it's potential Nookey strikes a deal for supplies with Screwer and flies back to England to make his fortune. Just in time to miss Carver who flies out to see him at Mrs Moore's request and gets stuck there for three months. While Carver is stuck on the Beatific Islands, Dr Nookey sets about making his fortune, setting up a lovely new clinic with backing from Mrs Moore. (Yes, it's the Moore-Nookey Clinic. Hilarious.) When Carver returns, he's shocked to see how succesful Nookey is and sets out to destroy him. Also turning up is Gladstone Screwer, and he's after a fair share of the profits. Cue the comedy capers as each man tries to get what he wants. And not only does Nookey have to deal with them but who should come back into his life but Goldie Locks, now known as Melody Madder and a successful film star in Italy. Can Dr Nookey satisfy all three interested parties?

With the, frankly, limp Carry On Doctor still fresh in our minds, there was surely no need for a return to the medical so quickly was there? Well, despite the fact that we have to put up with dumpy Babs Windsor exposing more flesh than a butcher's window, this isn't actually as bad as I feared it might be. There are a few decent gags in there and one or two classic set-pieces and a few dependable plot-devices. It's a bit sillier than the previous medical Carry Ons too - with Dale and others upping the ante on the stunts. Plus, this does at least have a plot of sorts, unlike Camping which was just a series of comic set-pieces based on a theme.

So, for not being as crap as I expected this gets 5 out of 10. It's not in my list of essentials but I'd certainly stay in to watch it on a rainy Sunday afternoon or even a rainy Wednesday evening. Perhaps the most worrying thing about this film is knowing that there are still 12 to go in my marathon and some of the remaining ones make this look like a work of genius. I'm quite tempted to wave the white flag now and pack it all in. However, having come this far, I'm determined to stick it out (Hyack! Hyack!). Just as long as I don't get arrested for it.

Go on, stick your oar in:

Tuesday 17th June

Carry On Camping

What can I say? Day 17, and it's time for Carry On Camping. The regulars packing up their troubles here are Williams, Hawtrey, James, Sims, Jacques, Windsor, Butterworth and Bresslaw. Irregulars helping out are Terry Scott, Dilys Laye, Julian Holloway and Michael Nightingale. Also, Valerie Leon makes the second of her six appearances (having first been in ..Up The Khyber). Also pitching up for her one and only Carry On is Betty Marsden, who was well-known for her work on the radio show Round The Horne. The screenplay is done by Talbot Rothwell, as per, and apparently went through several re-writes before they settled on the camping theme. Some of the unused material apparently got recycled in Carry On Behind.

It's the Swinging Sixties we're definitely in now (the film was released in 1969, by the way) and, hey, everyone's going camping. There's Sid (James) and Bernie (Bresslaw) trying to get their girlfriends to a nudist camp, there's Charlie Muggins (Hawtrey) the camping virgin, there's Peter Potter (Scott) and his dreadful wife Harriet (Marsden) on their annual holiday and lastly there's Dr Soaper (Williams) and Miss Haggard (Jacques) taking the girls of Chayste Place school on a summer trip. Needless to say, after some misadventures on the way, they all pitch up at the Paradise camp site. Sid and Bernie have the sort of comedy capers putting up their tents that my mate Kev and I used to have when we went camping, and then they promptly ditch their girlfriends (played by Sims and Laye) once the schoolgirls arrive, focussing in particular cackling sex dwarf Barbara (Windsor) and her friend, Fanny. Having been reluctant to embark on the holiday, Peter Potter finds himself further put out when he's attacked by a bull and then shot at by an irate farmer. It's the last straw when his wife "adopts" Charlie Muggins and lets him share their tent. Meantime Dr Soaper and Miss Haggard have trouble controlling the girls and themselves (well, Miss Haggard does). And presiding over all this is Josh Fiddler (Butterworth) the campsite owner, who spends his time either trying to screw money out of the guests or worrying about his hens.

I'm kind of ambivalent about this one - there are some great performances (Butterworth, Scott, Marsden) and overall the film is pretty amusing, BUT this film also clearly marks the decline of the Carry On franchise. There's the gratuitous nudity at the start, and Babs Windsor flashing her norks too. There's also less innuendo and more smut. If I was pushed, I'd say this is the film where the Carry Ons "jumped the shark". There's still some decent films to come but this one is definitely the beginning of the end. Perhaps it's a bit unfair to blame her personally, but whenever Babs Windsor is in a Carry On, it is, generally, a bit rubbish. You could argue that she only came into the series late on and the general quality of the scripts and films was decreasing anyway, but I'd say her increasing presence only underlines the decline of the series.

As this is acknowledged as one of the classic Carry Ons and does have it's high points, I'll have to give it 8 out of 10. I would have given it more - certainly Butterworth's scene with James at the camp gate deserves better - but the smut's laid on with a trowel, we've seen that relationship between Jacques and Williams at least once before and the idea that Sid and Bernie could pull some schoolgirls is frankly ludicrous. Oh, and that hippy festival scene towards the end is risible. Oh dear, still 13 days to go and things don't look good from here on in.

Go on, stick your oar in:

Previously on the Fat Fakir....